Yes, again with the hiatus. I'm not sure what's with me these days, I don't really feel like doing anything. Not studying, not doing work, not learning stuff, not even playing, chatting or reading ToK. Heck, any more and I'm going to start to not feel like thinking. >_>
I.... dunno, but I've entered a kind of... boredom? I can't even properly entertain myself anymore. I don't even know what I'm thinking about, what I'm blogging about, what I'm typing about, nor what I'm typing for.
My brain's at a standstill. I'm not interested in anything. I'm... not fading away, am I? Into the world of oblivion. To be forgotten by others... as if I was just another 'somebody', being spoken of in the past tense (Phrase taken from Squall)
I... don't know. I need someone. Something. Someplace. Not for entertainment. For validification. I want to know that I still exist, still there to anywhere, still someone to anyone, something to anything. I... need some company.
I feel really bored right now, but well, there was a study a few years ago that when kids said that they were bored, they really meant that they were lonely. Perhaps my heart is playing tricks with me? I don't know. But I need someone. A friend, or anything, before I begin to fade into nothingness.
"To be forgotten is worse than death." Freya, FF9
I dunno. Am I scared of this? I know I won't be forgotten by anyone, but... I know I'll mean everyone to someone, be someone to anyone, but I'm scared of being anyone to everyone.
*sigh* I'm lonely. I think. It's foolish, isn't it? I've so many friends around, SZ, Hen, Gid, Shaun, JY, Jar, Gwin, Mel, Wensi, Matt, HW, Dar, Kevs, Bry, and I'd go on till 50+, but here I am saying I'm lonely. Why? Am I turning into one of those fashion maniacs, who looks at a wardrobe-full of clothes and sadly says that she has nothing to wear, while I stare at all of my friends and sadly say that I'm lonely and need company?
It can't be, can it? *sigh*
*sigh* What is this emotion? Sadness? Guilt? Pain? Angst? Disappointment? Envy? Despair? or mere silence?
I feel so much more confused about my emotions these days. So much for my apparent capability in intrapersonal relationships. Heh. Well, this is better than me being angsty, ain't it XD
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Friday, August 26, 2005
Iro Iro Na Koto
I apologize for the hiatus on my blog. But well, I hadn't had anything which I felt I wanted to blog about at that point of time.
Personally I believe I wouldn't have blogged at all for a longer period of time if not for Friday.
But I felt I needed to. Or my thoughts will go.
I assume none of you want to hear me blog about ToK because you will be bored to death.
-----------------------------------------
Gid and Josh had a pretty bad argument at the start of the day. Kev and I tried to intervene, he took Josh while I took Gid.
Now Gid may have been in a very bad mood at that point of time, but at least he said what he most likely wanted to say to me for a very long time now.
He said that I've no right to stop him because I went around carrying my hockey stick and being violent and hurting people. He said that since I'm just as violent what right do I have in stopping him? I'd just be a hypocrite.
I felt annoyed, but well, then again, what he said IS true to a certain extent. But anyway.
Yes, I'm violent. Yes, I go around swinging a hockey stick around in class pretending it's a sword. No, I don't think I'm some sort of ninja unlike SZ, but I do think myself capable of handling the hockey stick.
Now, how many people have I hurt from my habits? Boey, Shaun, SZ, Jun Yi, who knows, maybe a whole lot more.
I will agree that I have hurt quite a number of people from what I have done. I will agree that what I'm doing is dangerous to some extent.
But I ask. How many of those people have complained to me? When I hit Boey, I said sorry to him (I really didn't intend to hit him. I swung it backwards and he was walking there at that point of time.) He said it's ok.
When I hit SZ and Jun Yi, I took care not to hit them hard. In fact I don't think I've yet to hit Jun Yi deliberately. SZ yes, but I can't remember whether I did it with the hockey stick or not, since I don't remember fighting him a single time non-barehanded and hurting him. They don't complain. Why? Because they know that to participate in this kinda thing, and to complain that it hurts, is stupid.
So far, the two people whom most obviously hold me in much contempt for holding ze hockey stick is Louis, and Gid.
Perhaps I may have hurt Gideon accidentally (Who knows? If I hurt him he'd remember, not me.) but I am very sure I haven't hurt Louis. Of course this arguing is screwed up.
Thus far, I have thrust the stuck right up to their neck or face (Usually it's further though, for far people that is). And btw the way, not a single time have I hurt someone doing so.
Why haven't I hurt anyone seriously nor had complaints from anyone who got hurt? Because I knew what I was doing, and if I hit someone I apologized, explained that it was an accident and asked how bad it hurt. And almost every time they'd say it was ok.
Gid goes around grabbing people and swinging them around, then putting them on the chair. He hasn't hurt a single person thus far doing this IIRC. And yeah, I let him do it. Why? Because he knew what he was doing.
How many people complain about him? Well, I don't know. Maybe none, maybe 5. I've seen some OM members complain, but I doubt that counts.
The thing is this.
I don't stop you on the grounds that you know very well what you're doing. You can, and you will minimalize injury if there even is one.
That's what I'm doing too. Why are you stopping me? I don't require you to stop all resentment towards me, but do you realize that what you're doing is no less dangerous than mine? If someone got hurt because of you swinging them around, you're taking responsibility. That's obvious. And it's obvious I'm taking responsibility if anyone got hurt because of me.
I doubt this is going to stop your resentment towards my habits, but if you continue at least realize that I AM prudent enough while handling the stick to prevent injury as far as possible.
If I were truly using my full strength each time I doubt Boey's arm would've been fine after 5 minutes.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Kong strikes again. Each time he goes into the immature form he astounds me even more with how low he can go.
What has he done up till now?
Graded people in class based on unjudgeable spectrums. (Look at Jun Yi's post for a explanation of this. I think the 2nd one from the start of his philosophical posts.)
Believed that ISAAC, of all people, was his best friend. (Cue wtf sounds.). If it were Hsieh Wen it'd make more sense. But why not Hsieh Wen? A few disagreements. (Cue wtf sound again.)
Given CONTRACTS of friendship to his 'friends'. (You know the cue.)
Proved incapable of taking a single insultive joke towards him as a joke instead of a "baseless argument/accusation".
He's one of the only people I know that does not have a single friend. He's being fair-weathered to every one of his friends and he's INCAPABLE of realizing it.
Right now I really pity Hsieh Wen and Isaac. Hsieh Wen because his friendship isn't returned to him because of him doing the right thing, and Isaac because he has a newfound source of stress.
HECK, Even KEVIN WONG's having his doubts about JK. If that isn't bad enough in the least bit (Exception being against Boey)...
I dunno how to put it. Can we have a single teacher who would treat him the way Karen Wong did? If no teacher can do that, then we'll have to be the ones doing this.
I wonder if I'll enjoy treating Jeremy the way Karen Wong did. Aah well, if it's for the better.
...then again, what if he commits suicide...
*sigh* I'm going to need much thought about this. Not everyday do we have a delusional, pampered idiot who suffers from a negative EQ.
------------------------------------------------------------
Still have some thoughts, but I think I'll keep them. Well, comment on this comeback post.
Personally I believe I wouldn't have blogged at all for a longer period of time if not for Friday.
But I felt I needed to. Or my thoughts will go.
I assume none of you want to hear me blog about ToK because you will be bored to death.
-----------------------------------------
Gid and Josh had a pretty bad argument at the start of the day. Kev and I tried to intervene, he took Josh while I took Gid.
Now Gid may have been in a very bad mood at that point of time, but at least he said what he most likely wanted to say to me for a very long time now.
He said that I've no right to stop him because I went around carrying my hockey stick and being violent and hurting people. He said that since I'm just as violent what right do I have in stopping him? I'd just be a hypocrite.
I felt annoyed, but well, then again, what he said IS true to a certain extent. But anyway.
Yes, I'm violent. Yes, I go around swinging a hockey stick around in class pretending it's a sword. No, I don't think I'm some sort of ninja unlike SZ, but I do think myself capable of handling the hockey stick.
Now, how many people have I hurt from my habits? Boey, Shaun, SZ, Jun Yi, who knows, maybe a whole lot more.
I will agree that I have hurt quite a number of people from what I have done. I will agree that what I'm doing is dangerous to some extent.
But I ask. How many of those people have complained to me? When I hit Boey, I said sorry to him (I really didn't intend to hit him. I swung it backwards and he was walking there at that point of time.) He said it's ok.
When I hit SZ and Jun Yi, I took care not to hit them hard. In fact I don't think I've yet to hit Jun Yi deliberately. SZ yes, but I can't remember whether I did it with the hockey stick or not, since I don't remember fighting him a single time non-barehanded and hurting him. They don't complain. Why? Because they know that to participate in this kinda thing, and to complain that it hurts, is stupid.
So far, the two people whom most obviously hold me in much contempt for holding ze hockey stick is Louis, and Gid.
Perhaps I may have hurt Gideon accidentally (Who knows? If I hurt him he'd remember, not me.) but I am very sure I haven't hurt Louis. Of course this arguing is screwed up.
Thus far, I have thrust the stuck right up to their neck or face (Usually it's further though, for far people that is). And btw the way, not a single time have I hurt someone doing so.
Why haven't I hurt anyone seriously nor had complaints from anyone who got hurt? Because I knew what I was doing, and if I hit someone I apologized, explained that it was an accident and asked how bad it hurt. And almost every time they'd say it was ok.
Gid goes around grabbing people and swinging them around, then putting them on the chair. He hasn't hurt a single person thus far doing this IIRC. And yeah, I let him do it. Why? Because he knew what he was doing.
How many people complain about him? Well, I don't know. Maybe none, maybe 5. I've seen some OM members complain, but I doubt that counts.
The thing is this.
I don't stop you on the grounds that you know very well what you're doing. You can, and you will minimalize injury if there even is one.
That's what I'm doing too. Why are you stopping me? I don't require you to stop all resentment towards me, but do you realize that what you're doing is no less dangerous than mine? If someone got hurt because of you swinging them around, you're taking responsibility. That's obvious. And it's obvious I'm taking responsibility if anyone got hurt because of me.
I doubt this is going to stop your resentment towards my habits, but if you continue at least realize that I AM prudent enough while handling the stick to prevent injury as far as possible.
If I were truly using my full strength each time I doubt Boey's arm would've been fine after 5 minutes.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Kong strikes again. Each time he goes into the immature form he astounds me even more with how low he can go.
What has he done up till now?
Graded people in class based on unjudgeable spectrums. (Look at Jun Yi's post for a explanation of this. I think the 2nd one from the start of his philosophical posts.)
Believed that ISAAC, of all people, was his best friend. (Cue wtf sounds.). If it were Hsieh Wen it'd make more sense. But why not Hsieh Wen? A few disagreements. (Cue wtf sound again.)
Given CONTRACTS of friendship to his 'friends'. (You know the cue.)
Proved incapable of taking a single insultive joke towards him as a joke instead of a "baseless argument/accusation".
He's one of the only people I know that does not have a single friend. He's being fair-weathered to every one of his friends and he's INCAPABLE of realizing it.
Right now I really pity Hsieh Wen and Isaac. Hsieh Wen because his friendship isn't returned to him because of him doing the right thing, and Isaac because he has a newfound source of stress.
HECK, Even KEVIN WONG's having his doubts about JK. If that isn't bad enough in the least bit (Exception being against Boey)...
I dunno how to put it. Can we have a single teacher who would treat him the way Karen Wong did? If no teacher can do that, then we'll have to be the ones doing this.
I wonder if I'll enjoy treating Jeremy the way Karen Wong did. Aah well, if it's for the better.
...then again, what if he commits suicide...
*sigh* I'm going to need much thought about this. Not everyday do we have a delusional, pampered idiot who suffers from a negative EQ.
------------------------------------------------------------
Still have some thoughts, but I think I'll keep them. Well, comment on this comeback post.
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
Randomness
Just when you thought I could go more serious...
WELL, GUESS WHAT, YOU'RE RIGHT!
Today I have here in me a new bout of randomness.
I have decided to ask my friends a question I wondered whether they knew the answer to.
KW:
In sooth, I know not why I am so cool. says:
Why are Koko Crunch Breakfast Cereals so chocolatey?
Let's believe in the future!*车到山前终有路, 船到桥头自然直!*IAMOTAUYOC* says:
O_o
Let's believe in the future!*车到山前终有路, 船到桥头自然直!*IAMOTAUYOC* says:
Erm, cos' the Koko the koala and the boy went to disturb some dragon in his palace by stealing his chocolate pillow and thus caused some chocolatey flood to cover the wheatfields and poof, it became Koko Crunch?
Bryan:
In sooth, I know not why I am so cool. says:
Why are Koko Crunch Breakfast Cereals so chocolatey?
Nasi "何を見てるの？" says:
because a dragon stole all the chocolotes and hid them away
Nasi "何を見てるの？" says:
but 2 brave warriors went to the dragons lair
Nasi "何を見てるの？" says:
and the dragon got angry and breathed fire
Nasi "何を見てるの？" says:
then the chocolate poured onto the wheatfield
Nasi "何を見てるの？" says:
and Poof! it became Koko Crunch!
SZ:
In sooth, I know not why I am so cool. says:
Why are Koko Crunch Breakfast Cereals so chocolatey?
Inuyasha says:
umm
Inuyasha says:
O_o
Inuyasha says:
the LH produces lots of testosterone...?
Inuyasha says:
lol
In sooth, I know not why I am so cool. says:
O_O WRONG ANSWER'D
Inuyasha says:
OH NO O_O
Inuyasha says:
>_>
Inuyasha says:
lol
In sooth, I know not why I am so cool. says:
Why are Koko Crunch Breakfast Cereals so chocolatey?
Inuyasha says:
crazy ninjas went and threw shurikens at a pot and broke the jar, releasing chocolate into the windfill
Inuyasha says:
and POOF
Inuyasha says:
it became koko crunch >_>
Inuyasha says:
lol
In sooth, I know not why I am so cool. says:
PHEW.
Jun Yi:
In sooth, I know not why I am so cool. says:
Why are Koko Crunch Breakfast Cereals so chocolatey?
staining the twilight black_// memories of perfect love you gave to me my sacrifice; says:
-.-;;
staining the twilight black_// memories of perfect love you gave to me my sacrifice; says:
because they had chocolate poured on them by a giant spaceship
In sooth, I know not why I am so cool. says:
And?
staining the twilight black_// memories of perfect love you gave to me my sacrifice; says:
and...?
staining the twilight black_// memories of perfect love you gave to me my sacrifice; says:
i mean isnt that why theyre chocolatey
staining the twilight black_// memories of perfect love you gave to me my sacrifice; says:
what thing is not chocolatey after having that happen
Kevin Low:
In sooth, I know not why I am so cool. says:
Why are Koko Crunch Breakfast Cereals so chocolatey?
*IAMOTAUYOC* My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it's all gone. says:
Once upon a time, there was a great chocolate factory. One day, a boy called Charlie went in there because of a golden ticket he had bought, and messed with the switches. The factory exploded, and all the chocolate flowed onto a wheat field, and POOF! KOKO CRUNCH!
Cleon:
In sooth, I know not why I am so cool. says:
Why are Koko Crunch Breakfast Cereals so chocolatey?
Jacko is now, a bona fide dumbass. Guess who he's sueing next? The richest man in the world. BILL F-ING GATES. says:
Uhh, wtf?
In sooth, I know not why I am so cool. says:
>_>
Jacko is now, a bona fide dumbass. Guess who he's sueing next? The richest man in the world. BILL F-ING GATES. says:
They have cocoa beans in them? >_>
Zhang Quan:
In sooth, I know not why I am so cool. says:
Why are Koko Crunch Breakfast Cereals so chocolatey?
HPGW! ||. boingboing! let's bounce off into paradise and be happy! says:
O_O
HPGW! ||. boingboing! let's bounce off into paradise and be happy! says:
okayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy...
In sooth, I know not why I am so cool. says:
That's your answer?
HPGW! ||. boingboing! let's bounce off into paradise and be happy! says:
no...
HPGW! ||. boingboing! let's bounce off into paradise and be happy! says:
waitwait
HPGW! ||. boingboing! let's bounce off into paradise and be happy! says:
because the koko got crunched lor. because if you crunch koko when you pronounce it then it becomes like COCO like koko i singurushiisu so it becomes crunched so it's westernized then it's like coco lee and then you get chocobo also because it's a western song so hahahahaha then it becomes engurushiisu and westerners like chocolate more so must be chocolatey
HPGW! ||. boingboing! let's bounce off into paradise and be happy! says:
it's just like a roaring cement truck then goes COCOCOCOCOCOCO
HPGW! ||. boingboing! let's bounce off into paradise and be happy! says:
and cement is liquid and starts with the same letter as chocolate but is of a lighter hue. so before it solidifies the chocobo went to pour cocoa seeds inside and the cement became chocolate
HPGW! ||. boingboing! let's bounce off into paradise and be happy! says:
yay!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Please see for yourself. Out of 8 people (myself included), only 4 people know of the true tale of Koko Crunch, and it's outdated info on Koko Crunch some more. Only 3 (Bryan knows but that was post-question) know about recent Koko Crunch findings.
THE WORLD IS AT STAKE! WE MUST EDUCATE OUR CHILDREN ON WHY KOKO CRUNCH IS SO CHOCOLATEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WELL, GUESS WHAT, YOU'RE RIGHT!
Today I have here in me a new bout of randomness.
I have decided to ask my friends a question I wondered whether they knew the answer to.
KW:
In sooth, I know not why I am so cool. says:
Why are Koko Crunch Breakfast Cereals so chocolatey?
Let's believe in the future!*车到山前终有路, 船到桥头自然直!*IAMOTAUYOC* says:
O_o
Let's believe in the future!*车到山前终有路, 船到桥头自然直!*IAMOTAUYOC* says:
Erm, cos' the Koko the koala and the boy went to disturb some dragon in his palace by stealing his chocolate pillow and thus caused some chocolatey flood to cover the wheatfields and poof, it became Koko Crunch?
Bryan:
In sooth, I know not why I am so cool. says:
Why are Koko Crunch Breakfast Cereals so chocolatey?
Nasi "何を見てるの？" says:
because a dragon stole all the chocolotes and hid them away
Nasi "何を見てるの？" says:
but 2 brave warriors went to the dragons lair
Nasi "何を見てるの？" says:
and the dragon got angry and breathed fire
Nasi "何を見てるの？" says:
then the chocolate poured onto the wheatfield
Nasi "何を見てるの？" says:
and Poof! it became Koko Crunch!
SZ:
In sooth, I know not why I am so cool. says:
Why are Koko Crunch Breakfast Cereals so chocolatey?
Inuyasha says:
umm
Inuyasha says:
O_o
Inuyasha says:
the LH produces lots of testosterone...?
Inuyasha says:
lol
In sooth, I know not why I am so cool. says:
O_O WRONG ANSWER'D
Inuyasha says:
OH NO O_O
Inuyasha says:
>_>
Inuyasha says:
lol
In sooth, I know not why I am so cool. says:
Why are Koko Crunch Breakfast Cereals so chocolatey?
Inuyasha says:
crazy ninjas went and threw shurikens at a pot and broke the jar, releasing chocolate into the windfill
Inuyasha says:
and POOF
Inuyasha says:
it became koko crunch >_>
Inuyasha says:
lol
In sooth, I know not why I am so cool. says:
PHEW.
Jun Yi:
In sooth, I know not why I am so cool. says:
Why are Koko Crunch Breakfast Cereals so chocolatey?
staining the twilight black_// memories of perfect love you gave to me my sacrifice; says:
-.-;;
staining the twilight black_// memories of perfect love you gave to me my sacrifice; says:
because they had chocolate poured on them by a giant spaceship
In sooth, I know not why I am so cool. says:
And?
staining the twilight black_// memories of perfect love you gave to me my sacrifice; says:
and...?
staining the twilight black_// memories of perfect love you gave to me my sacrifice; says:
i mean isnt that why theyre chocolatey
staining the twilight black_// memories of perfect love you gave to me my sacrifice; says:
what thing is not chocolatey after having that happen
Kevin Low:
In sooth, I know not why I am so cool. says:
Why are Koko Crunch Breakfast Cereals so chocolatey?
*IAMOTAUYOC* My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it's all gone. says:
Once upon a time, there was a great chocolate factory. One day, a boy called Charlie went in there because of a golden ticket he had bought, and messed with the switches. The factory exploded, and all the chocolate flowed onto a wheat field, and POOF! KOKO CRUNCH!
Cleon:
In sooth, I know not why I am so cool. says:
Why are Koko Crunch Breakfast Cereals so chocolatey?
Jacko is now, a bona fide dumbass. Guess who he's sueing next? The richest man in the world. BILL F-ING GATES. says:
Uhh, wtf?
In sooth, I know not why I am so cool. says:
>_>
Jacko is now, a bona fide dumbass. Guess who he's sueing next? The richest man in the world. BILL F-ING GATES. says:
They have cocoa beans in them? >_>
Zhang Quan:
In sooth, I know not why I am so cool. says:
Why are Koko Crunch Breakfast Cereals so chocolatey?
HPGW! ||. boingboing! let's bounce off into paradise and be happy! says:
O_O
HPGW! ||. boingboing! let's bounce off into paradise and be happy! says:
okayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy...
In sooth, I know not why I am so cool. says:
That's your answer?
HPGW! ||. boingboing! let's bounce off into paradise and be happy! says:
no...
HPGW! ||. boingboing! let's bounce off into paradise and be happy! says:
waitwait
HPGW! ||. boingboing! let's bounce off into paradise and be happy! says:
because the koko got crunched lor. because if you crunch koko when you pronounce it then it becomes like COCO like koko i singurushiisu so it becomes crunched so it's westernized then it's like coco lee and then you get chocobo also because it's a western song so hahahahaha then it becomes engurushiisu and westerners like chocolate more so must be chocolatey
HPGW! ||. boingboing! let's bounce off into paradise and be happy! says:
it's just like a roaring cement truck then goes COCOCOCOCOCOCO
HPGW! ||. boingboing! let's bounce off into paradise and be happy! says:
and cement is liquid and starts with the same letter as chocolate but is of a lighter hue. so before it solidifies the chocobo went to pour cocoa seeds inside and the cement became chocolate
HPGW! ||. boingboing! let's bounce off into paradise and be happy! says:
yay!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Please see for yourself. Out of 8 people (myself included), only 4 people know of the true tale of Koko Crunch, and it's outdated info on Koko Crunch some more. Only 3 (Bryan knows but that was post-question) know about recent Koko Crunch findings.
THE WORLD IS AT STAKE! WE MUST EDUCATE OUR CHILDREN ON WHY KOKO CRUNCH IS SO CHOCOLATEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
More thoughts
More thoughts lately. Bear with me if you don't understand. >_>
----------------------------------------------
Is it a sin to cry? Is it a sin NOT to cry? In this society, where men are stereotyped into being people who don't cry, I've always questioned this one thing.
Why I have this question now? IYE.
As all people know parting from friends after 4 days together is always a very sad thing. At the end of it, I shook hands with people like Red-san, Waka-san, Pico-san, Minton, Dabo, and more. As we got up, I saw Wei Ming crying. Well, I suppose that's normal, given she's a girl, and there's nothing wrong with a girl crying. It's normal. Then I sit down, and Zhang comes up, and sits next to me. He's crying as well.
Me: ...be glad you can cry, Zhang.
I don't know if Zhang remembers, but he asked me why I wasn't crying.
Zhang: Aren't you crying? It's so sad!
Me: I don't cry, Zhang, whether I'm sad or not.
Jodie *Turns around*: Are any of you crying?
Me: Only Zhang. Is Jie Ying or Wei Ming crying?
Jodie: Only Wei Ming. Why aren't you crying, isn't it sad at all?
Me: I don't cry whether I'm sad or not. *She didn't hear this I think*
Dane *I overheard him speak*: Y'know, you just have to take in your sadness and move on, right?
I was thinking about this. I knew very well I wanted to cry. I knew very well I was just as sad as Zhang. But the tears wouldn't come out. They just wouldn't. I didn't want to bottle it up or anything. But it stayed in. I couldn't let my sadness out. Why couldn't I cry? I was confused. I wondered whether I was able to cry. I ended up being even more sad because I couldn't let out my sadness and have others see it.
This is my dilema. This is my question. Why can't I cry even if I'm so sad?
After the trip, I asked Jodie on MSN. What she said is 'maybe we're restrained.'. By what? I asked. "Dunno.". I can't ask Jie Ying (I'm not sure she'll take me seriously), I can't ask Zhang (He won't understand this, he was crying). And I can't ask Wei Ming either because of the same reason as Zhang. Now, I'm left alone confused with no answer.
Go ahead and try to answer this. I doubt any of you'll be able to tell me why.
Why is it that my emotions won't come out as I please? Is society's stereotypes really that ingrained in our heads that we can't cry no matter what?
If that's so, I hate society. It's turned me into this person incapable of revealing his sadness.
I don't care what anyone says. The ability to cry is a privaledge. The ability to show that you're vulnerable is a strength. Tears are something everyone should have, and whoever says that they should be left to girls alone is mad.
-------------------------------------------------------
On the bus back home from the MOELC, I met Samuel Ng on the bus. Well, I saw him, he saw me, but there was 10 people inbetween us. Talk about human barrier. I wanted to say hi and ask him how life was in Chinese High. After all, he was one of my best friends in P3 (The other being Ding Liang. Yu Min wasn't that good a friend yet. It was P4-6 where Gid, Yu Min and I really banded together.). I can't shout, right? So I wait. Slowly, the human barrier decreases from 10 to 8. Then 8 to 6. Then 6 to 4.
But then, it was 4 at Pei Hwa. That was our old school, and one stop from our place. Samuel and I look at each other, sigh, and chuckle a little bit when we realize both of us sighed at the same time.
Then, two people sat down at the seats. Two people. So close, yet so far. Still incapable of speech. Then it was my stop. I looked at him, he was already waving goodbye. I smiled; he still remembers where I live after 4 years. =) I know he lived nearby, but I've never been to his house before.
I got off the bus, then the most ironic thing occured. The human barrier of two came down with me. Like, wth. That was pathetic, stupid, yet immensely ironic.
When I told Gid about this, he called me a dumbass and said I should've waited one more stop and talked to him in that time. I don't think he understands. Both of us, at those 3 points of time, knew what the other person was thinking. It's a conversation of thoughts. I suppose some of you would understand what I'm talking about. Seriously, I doubt he minded one bit that I didn't talk to him. I don't think it would've made a difference either. It's not something that needs to be said in words. Of course, I didn't manage to find out how life was like in Chinese High, but does that really matter? The two of us sure have changed alot, but we're still friends, heh.
I wonder. Is this a high level of friendship, or is this a pure delusion? I really wonder at times, y'know.
----------------------------------------------
Is it a sin to cry? Is it a sin NOT to cry? In this society, where men are stereotyped into being people who don't cry, I've always questioned this one thing.
Why I have this question now? IYE.
As all people know parting from friends after 4 days together is always a very sad thing. At the end of it, I shook hands with people like Red-san, Waka-san, Pico-san, Minton, Dabo, and more. As we got up, I saw Wei Ming crying. Well, I suppose that's normal, given she's a girl, and there's nothing wrong with a girl crying. It's normal. Then I sit down, and Zhang comes up, and sits next to me. He's crying as well.
Me: ...be glad you can cry, Zhang.
I don't know if Zhang remembers, but he asked me why I wasn't crying.
Zhang: Aren't you crying? It's so sad!
Me: I don't cry, Zhang, whether I'm sad or not.
Jodie *Turns around*: Are any of you crying?
Me: Only Zhang. Is Jie Ying or Wei Ming crying?
Jodie: Only Wei Ming. Why aren't you crying, isn't it sad at all?
Me: I don't cry whether I'm sad or not. *She didn't hear this I think*
Dane *I overheard him speak*: Y'know, you just have to take in your sadness and move on, right?
I was thinking about this. I knew very well I wanted to cry. I knew very well I was just as sad as Zhang. But the tears wouldn't come out. They just wouldn't. I didn't want to bottle it up or anything. But it stayed in. I couldn't let my sadness out. Why couldn't I cry? I was confused. I wondered whether I was able to cry. I ended up being even more sad because I couldn't let out my sadness and have others see it.
This is my dilema. This is my question. Why can't I cry even if I'm so sad?
After the trip, I asked Jodie on MSN. What she said is 'maybe we're restrained.'. By what? I asked. "Dunno.". I can't ask Jie Ying (I'm not sure she'll take me seriously), I can't ask Zhang (He won't understand this, he was crying). And I can't ask Wei Ming either because of the same reason as Zhang. Now, I'm left alone confused with no answer.
Go ahead and try to answer this. I doubt any of you'll be able to tell me why.
Why is it that my emotions won't come out as I please? Is society's stereotypes really that ingrained in our heads that we can't cry no matter what?
If that's so, I hate society. It's turned me into this person incapable of revealing his sadness.
I don't care what anyone says. The ability to cry is a privaledge. The ability to show that you're vulnerable is a strength. Tears are something everyone should have, and whoever says that they should be left to girls alone is mad.
-------------------------------------------------------
On the bus back home from the MOELC, I met Samuel Ng on the bus. Well, I saw him, he saw me, but there was 10 people inbetween us. Talk about human barrier. I wanted to say hi and ask him how life was in Chinese High. After all, he was one of my best friends in P3 (The other being Ding Liang. Yu Min wasn't that good a friend yet. It was P4-6 where Gid, Yu Min and I really banded together.). I can't shout, right? So I wait. Slowly, the human barrier decreases from 10 to 8. Then 8 to 6. Then 6 to 4.
But then, it was 4 at Pei Hwa. That was our old school, and one stop from our place. Samuel and I look at each other, sigh, and chuckle a little bit when we realize both of us sighed at the same time.
Then, two people sat down at the seats. Two people. So close, yet so far. Still incapable of speech. Then it was my stop. I looked at him, he was already waving goodbye. I smiled; he still remembers where I live after 4 years. =) I know he lived nearby, but I've never been to his house before.
I got off the bus, then the most ironic thing occured. The human barrier of two came down with me. Like, wth. That was pathetic, stupid, yet immensely ironic.
When I told Gid about this, he called me a dumbass and said I should've waited one more stop and talked to him in that time. I don't think he understands. Both of us, at those 3 points of time, knew what the other person was thinking. It's a conversation of thoughts. I suppose some of you would understand what I'm talking about. Seriously, I doubt he minded one bit that I didn't talk to him. I don't think it would've made a difference either. It's not something that needs to be said in words. Of course, I didn't manage to find out how life was like in Chinese High, but does that really matter? The two of us sure have changed alot, but we're still friends, heh.
I wonder. Is this a high level of friendship, or is this a pure delusion? I really wonder at times, y'know.
Sunday, August 14, 2005
IYE
I shall be posting about my IYE trip when I feel I should. But anyways,
http://pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/jokerus2001/album?.dir=8678&
My photos I took during the IYE trip. Take note that I took more than this, XD just that I didn't upload all of them yet.
I have my reasons for not blogging about the IYE. The blog's mine, right? =)
Besides, you know me. I don't make chronicles of events. I put down my feelings and stuff about the aftermath.
I spoke to Jodie about the trip, and my problem I got from it, and other stuff. She's a nice person. (Which is amazing, since there's only been so many girls who have been so nice to me throughout my life. I think I can count it with a hand. Feng Yi, Ke Xin, Mel (To a lesser extent, but hey, she's still my cousin.), Wensi, her. XD That's 5. =P)
I asked her about the emotional identity crisis thing, she couldn't reply to me properly (I didn't exactly expect her to. Pity, though. It's not a question anyone else would understand apart from her. Well, technically Jie Ying too, but I doubt she'll take me seriously. XD) Oh well. She's quite a mature person, compared to people like Hsieh Wen and JK. I appreciate her company.
Been talking to Duck and Nat (The tall one) abit. They're nice people too. =) The Germans haven't emailed us yet. =/ So much for Jodie and Jie Ying making fun of me XD (In fact, Jie Ying still is. >_>) Gensan hasn't replied back yet. The two girls have got loads of mails from Minton already >_< Haven't emailed my host family yet. >_> Haven't emailed Kousuke and Pico rarr. Pity Akira doesn't use email.
*sigh* I feel so sentimental towards the whole thing. *Don't get sentimental, 'cause half of it gets mental.*
Put between a choice between this and OM, it's a very tough choice, but I'll put this over OM. I'm not saying that OM is inferior in any way, but they're completely different in matters. Gid is absolutely right in saying that OM was way more fun than this. (Ok, maybe not the 'way more' part. OM's just a little more fun.). But I felt that there was something lacking in OM, and that was company. Sure, I had my OM teammates. Sure, I had the buddy team. But then I'll see my OM teammates everyday anyway! That's not much of company is it. Among everyone out there, they were what they were, strangers. Nice strangers, but essentially strangers. I didn't feel any emotional attachment to them whatsoever. I mean, seriously, did ANYONE from my OM team make any effort to know the person whom which they were trading pins? His/her name? The most you knew was which state they were from.
IYE was different. The only original company I had was Zhang and Yeo-sensei (Who wasn't there 1/2 of the time). Jodie, Jie Ying, Wei Ming, despite all those dance/singing practises, weren't exactly people I knew (The fact that I kept forgetting Jie Ying's name prior to the trip stands testimony to that). The only time where I actually talked with any of the three was with Jodie, on the first day, because we were deciding which song to sing.
There, we were suddenly placed with Japanese, and associated overseas delegation members. By the end of the first communication event I was friends with Gensan, Kousuke, Akira, Pico, Nat, Nat, and Duck. Yuuta to a lesser extent (Didn't manage to talk with him after that.). Zhang and I traded namecards with Kousuke and Gensan during the short break (I bet that was the first exchange of namecards, hehe. =)
Throughout the days I managed to make good friends with the Thais (They are nice people. =), the Germans (Very fun and sociable. But quite disturbing too XD), the Koreans (Slightly lesser extent). The girls made friends with the Chinese, Filipino, Germans, and the Koreans too. See, the company I had in the IYE was a very nice and close one, and everyone I made friends with I shan't forget anytime soon. Jodie, Minton, Dabo, Pico, Gensan, Kousuke, Keigo, Akira, Nat, Duck, Red-san, Waka-san, Zhang Yu, Julius, Maximillian, everyone has been amazing company, and that is something that OM is incapable of achieving: Binding everyone together despite language barriers, problems of all sorts, etc. That, I believe, is a very powerful friendship that is not easily forgotten. =)
...I guess missing something like this isn't a bad thing, huh. =) What worth are good memories if they aren't treasured?
Well, I've done penning my thoughts for today. I've much stuff to blog about now. Mdm. Lena Yeo, Jun Yi's blog, and a few more thoughts.
Y'know something? Thanks for reading this blog.
-------------------------------------------------
そうさ 悲しみをやさしさに
自分らしさを力に
迷いながらでもいい 歩き出して
もう一回 もう一回
誰かの期待にずっと応え
誉められるのが好きなのですか
なりたい自分を摺り替えても
笑顔はいつでも素敵ですか
始まりだけ 夢見て起きる
その先なら いつか自分の腕で
そうだ 大事な物は いつも
形のないものだけ
手に入れても なくしても
気付かぬまま
そうさ 悲しみをやさしさに
自分らしさを力に
迷いながらでもいい 歩き出して
もう一回 もう一回
ずるい大人は出逢うたび
頭ごなしな説教だけ
自分を素直に出せなくなって
傷つけながらすぐに尖って
新しい風 味方につけて
探していいんだ いつか青い鳥を
そうだ 大事な物は いつも
形のないものだけ
手に入れても なくしても
気付かぬまま
そうさ 悲しみをやさしさに
自分らしさを力に
迷いながらでもいい 歩き出して
涙の後は なぜか吹っ切れてた
空に虹が出るように 自然なこと
雨は上がった
だから 大事な物は いつも
形のないものだけ
手に入れても なくしても
気付かぬまま
そうさ 悲しみをやさしさに
自分らしさを力に
君ならきっとやれる 信じていて
もう一回 もう一回
もう一回 もういいかい?
http://pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/jokerus2001/album?.dir=8678&
My photos I took during the IYE trip. Take note that I took more than this, XD just that I didn't upload all of them yet.
I have my reasons for not blogging about the IYE. The blog's mine, right? =)
Besides, you know me. I don't make chronicles of events. I put down my feelings and stuff about the aftermath.
I spoke to Jodie about the trip, and my problem I got from it, and other stuff. She's a nice person. (Which is amazing, since there's only been so many girls who have been so nice to me throughout my life. I think I can count it with a hand. Feng Yi, Ke Xin, Mel (To a lesser extent, but hey, she's still my cousin.), Wensi, her. XD That's 5. =P)
I asked her about the emotional identity crisis thing, she couldn't reply to me properly (I didn't exactly expect her to. Pity, though. It's not a question anyone else would understand apart from her. Well, technically Jie Ying too, but I doubt she'll take me seriously. XD) Oh well. She's quite a mature person, compared to people like Hsieh Wen and JK. I appreciate her company.
Been talking to Duck and Nat (The tall one) abit. They're nice people too. =) The Germans haven't emailed us yet. =/ So much for Jodie and Jie Ying making fun of me XD (In fact, Jie Ying still is. >_>) Gensan hasn't replied back yet. The two girls have got loads of mails from Minton already >_< Haven't emailed my host family yet. >_> Haven't emailed Kousuke and Pico rarr. Pity Akira doesn't use email.
*sigh* I feel so sentimental towards the whole thing. *Don't get sentimental, 'cause half of it gets mental.*
Put between a choice between this and OM, it's a very tough choice, but I'll put this over OM. I'm not saying that OM is inferior in any way, but they're completely different in matters. Gid is absolutely right in saying that OM was way more fun than this. (Ok, maybe not the 'way more' part. OM's just a little more fun.). But I felt that there was something lacking in OM, and that was company. Sure, I had my OM teammates. Sure, I had the buddy team. But then I'll see my OM teammates everyday anyway! That's not much of company is it. Among everyone out there, they were what they were, strangers. Nice strangers, but essentially strangers. I didn't feel any emotional attachment to them whatsoever. I mean, seriously, did ANYONE from my OM team make any effort to know the person whom which they were trading pins? His/her name? The most you knew was which state they were from.
IYE was different. The only original company I had was Zhang and Yeo-sensei (Who wasn't there 1/2 of the time). Jodie, Jie Ying, Wei Ming, despite all those dance/singing practises, weren't exactly people I knew (The fact that I kept forgetting Jie Ying's name prior to the trip stands testimony to that). The only time where I actually talked with any of the three was with Jodie, on the first day, because we were deciding which song to sing.
There, we were suddenly placed with Japanese, and associated overseas delegation members. By the end of the first communication event I was friends with Gensan, Kousuke, Akira, Pico, Nat, Nat, and Duck. Yuuta to a lesser extent (Didn't manage to talk with him after that.). Zhang and I traded namecards with Kousuke and Gensan during the short break (I bet that was the first exchange of namecards, hehe. =)
Throughout the days I managed to make good friends with the Thais (They are nice people. =), the Germans (Very fun and sociable. But quite disturbing too XD), the Koreans (Slightly lesser extent). The girls made friends with the Chinese, Filipino, Germans, and the Koreans too. See, the company I had in the IYE was a very nice and close one, and everyone I made friends with I shan't forget anytime soon. Jodie, Minton, Dabo, Pico, Gensan, Kousuke, Keigo, Akira, Nat, Duck, Red-san, Waka-san, Zhang Yu, Julius, Maximillian, everyone has been amazing company, and that is something that OM is incapable of achieving: Binding everyone together despite language barriers, problems of all sorts, etc. That, I believe, is a very powerful friendship that is not easily forgotten. =)
...I guess missing something like this isn't a bad thing, huh. =) What worth are good memories if they aren't treasured?
Well, I've done penning my thoughts for today. I've much stuff to blog about now. Mdm. Lena Yeo, Jun Yi's blog, and a few more thoughts.
Y'know something? Thanks for reading this blog.
-------------------------------------------------
そうさ 悲しみをやさしさに
自分らしさを力に
迷いながらでもいい 歩き出して
もう一回 もう一回
誰かの期待にずっと応え
誉められるのが好きなのですか
なりたい自分を摺り替えても
笑顔はいつでも素敵ですか
始まりだけ 夢見て起きる
その先なら いつか自分の腕で
そうだ 大事な物は いつも
形のないものだけ
手に入れても なくしても
気付かぬまま
そうさ 悲しみをやさしさに
自分らしさを力に
迷いながらでもいい 歩き出して
もう一回 もう一回
ずるい大人は出逢うたび
頭ごなしな説教だけ
自分を素直に出せなくなって
傷つけながらすぐに尖って
新しい風 味方につけて
探していいんだ いつか青い鳥を
そうだ 大事な物は いつも
形のないものだけ
手に入れても なくしても
気付かぬまま
そうさ 悲しみをやさしさに
自分らしさを力に
迷いながらでもいい 歩き出して
涙の後は なぜか吹っ切れてた
空に虹が出るように 自然なこと
雨は上がった
だから 大事な物は いつも
形のないものだけ
手に入れても なくしても
気付かぬまま
そうさ 悲しみをやさしさに
自分らしさを力に
君ならきっとやれる 信じていて
もう一回 もう一回
もう一回 もういいかい?
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Confusion
"In sooth, I know not why I am so sad.
It wearies me; you say it wearies you;
But how I caught it, found it, or came by it,
What stuff 'tis made of, whereof it is born,
I am to learn;
And such a want-wit sadness makes of me,
That I have much ado to know myself."
Antonio, Merchant of Venice,
Scene 1: Venice, A street.
My head's in a mess right now. It's... I dunno. What Antonio says above describes my state rather nicely.
To blog or not to blog. I am confused. This trip bore many emotions (and lack-of) in myself and I'm not sure I'd really want to blog about it. It's changed my mind quite a bit, y'know what I mean. Seriously, I'm sorry, but I may choose not to blog about Japan. It's... not something I may want to blog about. It's a very nice event and all, but it's also made me think alot about certain things in regards to myself.
...just give me some time to myself, please. I have a problem in myself none can solve, except for myself.
*sigh* I'll see. I may blog about it or I may not,
It wearies me; you say it wearies you;
But how I caught it, found it, or came by it,
What stuff 'tis made of, whereof it is born,
I am to learn;
And such a want-wit sadness makes of me,
That I have much ado to know myself."
Antonio, Merchant of Venice,
Scene 1: Venice, A street.
My head's in a mess right now. It's... I dunno. What Antonio says above describes my state rather nicely.
To blog or not to blog. I am confused. This trip bore many emotions (and lack-of) in myself and I'm not sure I'd really want to blog about it. It's changed my mind quite a bit, y'know what I mean. Seriously, I'm sorry, but I may choose not to blog about Japan. It's... not something I may want to blog about. It's a very nice event and all, but it's also made me think alot about certain things in regards to myself.
...just give me some time to myself, please. I have a problem in myself none can solve, except for myself.
*sigh* I'll see. I may blog about it or I may not,
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