The failure of living in faith

It was a thought I only realized recently.

There was an extreme amount of superficiality in the way I've treated life the past two years. It was an interesting thought, no doubt. But I realized the fatal flaw in my treatment and viewpoint on life. And if I'm not wrong, it's probably something that applied to many more people as well, today's pastor included.

It's a thought, but perhaps there is just some intense flaw in living any faith-based lifestyle, secular in nature or not. Christians will shoot me down, of course, but give me some time.

Now, under definition we have two meanings of faith.

• religion: a strong belief in a supernatural power or powers that control human destiny; "he lost his faith but not his morality"
• complete confidence in a person or plan etc; "he cherished the faith of a good woman"; "the doctor-patient relationship is based on trust"

They're similar but ultimately the first one is very religious in nature and the second one more generalized, inclusive of secular aspects as well. I mean the 2nd one when I refer to faith-based lifestyles.

Now what's the problem with 'complete confidence in a person or plan'? The pastor this morning showed me the problem with people - they betray you eventually. If they don't? They die. The problem with faith in any sentient being or object is that it eventually will perish, and with it your faith and beautiful reason for living. "Each day is wonderful because my wife is always next to me when I wake up and always there to open the door when I go home." Bam. Wife dies. Your life's ruined. Life isn't beautiful anymore.

School fun? You graduate.
Company fun? You get fired.
Relaxing and hanging out fun? Let's see you keep that up.

Then you say; why not an ideology? Hope, for instance. Live life thinking that the next day will always be better. Live life thinking that humanity takes a step forward each and every day. That won't perish, ideologies don't rot and decompose like us humans do. Problem is it's easy to make someone lose faith in an ideology - just prove it wrong. Living with faith in humanity is easy to destroy with people like Siu Fung around. I know it did that for me, and if not for the pastor this morning I'd probably have been worse off for the rest of the week.

Which comes to the essential point. Any faith-based reasoning for living fails ultimately because it's so easy to tear apart. Once you take it away, what do you have? Nothing.

Maybe that's why people turn to God so often, yeah? God won't die on you like a human does, and if you think about it correctly (without any connotation as to whether this "correct" is moral or right) it's hard to prove Him wrong. Yet thinking about it, it's also why people who turn from Christians to Atheists almost never turn back - they cannot place faith in a system where faith is so integral to its functionality.

Now the audience cries - isn't that obvious, o Showman? And perhaps it is. Perhaps everyone already knew that it was impossible to have any sustainable reason for living. Perhaps that's why Carpe Diem is so well-accepted - for all the arguments of Carpe Diem being hedonistic in nature it's not a way of life that will fail you (unless you go against the law while seizing the day. That's another matter altogether)

If there is anyone out there who can live life purely because life is life and we're alive, congrats to you. I pray you live that way for as long as you live, because I cannot think of any way to destroy that single most fundamental ideology.

ワッド・ザ・ファック。

How far the scum have sunken.

How far the scum have sunken,
How faithless is the world,
How those of might have fallen,
How comedy unfurls.

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The society has been a problem, so to speak. The greed, the deceit, the backstabbing, the debauchery, the desecration of any ideal for whom the forefathers once stood for.

At such an age.

Terrible, isn't it? That a fool has to crossdress in order to whore himself into getting what he needs. Because he can't do it himself.

Poison, I call it. That you taint your friend's honour so. That you make him go against his morals just to affirm his honour - isn't it shameless? That you treat your friend as a tool for your own ends.

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If you got the poison, I've got the remedy.

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All for a fucking assignment. All because you were scared that I had a bad opinion of you.

Guess what. You did a pretty good job killing whatever hope I had left in you. It takes quite a bit of skill to do that, honestly. But you did it, somehow.

I like Rodney. I think he's a pretty cool guy, hilarious at times, insecure at others but he's a nice guy and a good man at heart. He just has suckass friends like you who put him in horrible positions because he has to cover up for your ass. You know he feels terrible doing that and you know I feel terrible taking it out on him for that.

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The remedy is the experience.

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Y'know, there're those kind of people who move on in life by stepping on the bodies of others. Those are the masterminds, the backstabbers. The ones you never know were behind the scenes until it's waaaaaaaay too late.

You're not one of them. Don't bother.

The weirdest things

Sometimes the things we least expect to happen to some people just do happen.

Well, if it takes that once-in-a-lifetime out-of-this-country experience to change your life for the rest of this year, that's what it takes and be glad you got it.

I'll be glad to see next year on the stage too, o Vaudevillian V. Hopefully you don't end up too vindictive by then, vexed by the vox populi.

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Screw it I'm not cut out for trying to make people sound awesome

A list of thankful people

A LIST HERE I WRITE DOWN FOR PEOPLE WHO ASK ABOUT MATH PORT WITHOUT ANGERING THE GODS:







ANYONE ELSE WHO HAS ASKED ABOUT MATH PORT CONSISTENTLY HAS ANGERED THE GREAT GODS.

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Nah it's not actually that bad there're about 11 people who didn't piss me off while asking. Anyone whom I used cruise control on I was pissed off at, so just take it as is.

To all trolls on my tagboard

雨宮優子; ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ says:
*nice troll on ur tagboard
素晴らしい人生だから　自分を愛する勇気を持とう says:
*yes
*I wonder where i get these from
*and they all speak and type in proper english
雨宮優子; ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ says:
*i counter trolled him for u
*but yes
*why do they flock to ur blog
素晴らしい人生だから　自分を愛する勇気を持とう says:
*I have no idea
雨宮優子; ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ says:
*can u make like a post telling trolls to go to theendthewhy
*where i will gladly engage in a flame war
*kill 2 birds with 1 stone, u get them off ur tagboard and i get to have some entertainment


As mentioned above by my kind partaker cherilyn, recommendations are made for trolls on my tagboard to head of to theendthewhy for fun trolling, free of charge. I'll add a link at the side so trolls can go there easy

Personally, though, I really do wonder how these kinda people come across the blog. If rickroll's around, do give a story or something. It might be interesting to hear.

Oh, who you actually are might be interesting to hear too, yeah.

A Dream

Wednesday morning. Ever so peaceful.

He left us that day, never to come again. Of course, only three of us knew. The rest of the world moved on while the three of us had our minute of silence.

It just happened too quickly for words. Before anyone had the chance to comment on anything the world came rushing at them again. The right words never came out because the right time disappeared so quickly.

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I saw Jack at the rooftop, staring out at the fields, the road coming in and the cars and students all lined up like little ants in their designated paths. Staring.

"Hey Jack," I asked.

"Yeah, Herr?" he replied. I couldn't continue. I didn't know what to ask.

"Let's go," he said, "assembly's staring in a few minutes."

"...yeah."

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"Y'know, Herr, John hasn't been coming to school lately, has he?" Daryl asked me. We were walking down towards the canteen.

"Yeah, guess he hasn't. Wonder what's up with that, huh," I replied. Why did you have to ask me such questions when I couldn't answer them?

Down the staircase, we saw a girl sitting on the benches, all by herself.

"Hey, that's her, isn't it? The girl that John liked. Qing; that's her name, wasn't it?" Daryl headed over. I trailed behind him.

"Hey, Qing." he said.

"Hey there, both of you." she looked at me for a short moment, looking into my eyes, searching for something, something that might have or might not have been there. Then she immediately looked back at Daryl and smiled.

"Hey Qing, where's your Johnny? I thought he's always with you. Did he run off somewhere or something?" he laughed a bit. Qing smiled back at him.

"Perhaps he is. I don't know." she said, smiling. The best disguise anyone could have worn. You never knew what the smile was for - whether it was because she was happy or because she was sad or because she was hiding something. You almost always knew why someone looked sad or angry, but you never knew why someone looked happy.

"Haha, yeah maybe he is," Daryl said, laughing again, the carefree man he was. I nudged him a bit. "Anyway, we're going for recess, so catch you later, yeah?"

As Daryl turned his head around she stopped smiling. It served its purpose.

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I was walking back to class. Each step as loud as the other. Mechanical. Lifeless.

"Hey Herr!" I immediately turned around. Could it be? He said it the exact same way. It was Ginny.

"Oh, hey Ginny. What's up?" Right. He did speak a bit high.

"Could you help me out with my math later? I just can't seem to catch how you do Question 6."

"Sure thing, I've done my portfolio since monday, actually."

"Aaah. I should've asked Jack if I could go over and did my work with you guys too. All you smart people." she said, pouting that slight bit. "Anyway, thanks, gotta go now!" and went off.

Mechanical. Lifeless.

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The guitar at the back was playing. People were singing along.

"Go Johnny go go
Go Johnny go go
Go Johnny go go
Go Johnny go go
Johnny B. Goode"

I just kept silent throughout.

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Mom asked me one day.

"Hey, y'know Herr, there was this guy who kept crashing our house, right? Absolutely loved the cookies I made."

"Yeah. What about Johnny?"

"I kinda wish he'd come more often. There's still quite a bit of cookies around here and you and Gwin don't seem to eat them much."

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Jack was staring out at the world again. He did that more often now.

"Hey, Jack," I said.

"Hey, Herr." he replied, still staring out on the rooftop.

"Have you ever wished that this was all a dream?" I asked. "It all seems too unreal."

"And yet it is."

I went back. I wonder what he was thinking, staring out from the rooftop like that.

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(Not a real story, but kept as realistic as possible. In fact, completely false if anyone asks. So far the count is two.)

And just whose fault was that

"Fine! I don't want to come!"

"Our class is how bloody not bonded. Every outing is like. 5 people? How much is this one Herrick"
"Ten"
"Wow. Ten. At least that's half the class."

And whose bloody fault is that

The Ex-SAC

Walk down the stairs towards the roundabout. Look to the right. The fiberglass panes, the minispiral staircase.

The entire section that didn't exist 4 years ago. What was it like before then, again? It took me more than a minute to remember the image.

I knew there was a ramp. I knew this area was road. I knew this place wasn't like that.

But why couldn't I picture it?

I knew they were there. I couldn't put any mental picture to it. It felt like a scenery I had read in a storybook that was incapable of being pictured in real life realistically.

The ramp that was where the current parade ground is.
The road that every UYO member marched on towards the old parade ground (Now a tiny field of untouched grass).
The substation that used to see the light of day.
The CPA with chairs all worn down and worn out, without a giant cross at the back of the stage to remind you that it served as a chapel on Sundays.
The complete sheltered path from the bus stop to the old block that didn't have zebra crossings in the middle.
The road up to school that was unwalkable because of cars, now flooded with students on the uphill climb.
The 2.12-2.14 '05 classrooms with a nice mini-courtyard just outside for anything under the sun, gone for the library.
The co-op that was along the route from 2.12 to the SAC, now replaced by the lower floor of the library. It always seemed far friendlier.
The old flagposts on Drong's hill (now a mere shadow of its former glorious self) where commands were heard by all, where flagraisers were seen by all and commanders felt like they were truly commanding. (The old parade ground felt similar too, actually. Something about the new parade ground just didn't give that feel.) Where commanding felt like an honour bestowed upon you.

All so alien. All as if it never existed. All because I've been here as it kept changing. Around me, against me, alongside me. Just like the subtle changes in myself I'd never have noticed.

They were so huge, yet so unnoticable.

There is good in the world

Some inevitabilities aren't inevitable. It's a matter of viewpoint.
Some impossibilities aren't impossible. It's a matter of trying.
Some miracles aren't miracles. It's a matter of faith.

There is good in the world.

A Tragedy

As I type this a tragedy occurs. A breaking up, a breaking down, a breaking apart.

A tragedy because it may have been inevitable. When I hear the situation I realize that it was almost impossible for either party to change.

A miracle can occur. But there needs to be a reason for a miracle to exist. There needs to be a reason for a miracle to need to exist.

You just can't pray for a miracle.

It feels so helpless being the observer at times. It feels so helpless being forced to be an observer. It feels so helpless knowing that being the observer is the only way not to make things worse on any end.

I can't pray for a miracle. I can only pray that it doesn't hurt that much.

Duty

When you try your best to do something as nicely as possible yet within the boundaries of what's actually possible it feels like you did a good job. I mean, you did the best that you could, and you're trying to make things as perfect as possible without asking for the impossible.

Then some guy comes up to you and sighs because you didn't do things beyond the boundaries.

Not that I'm pissed off with the guy or anything, but it's a tad demoralizing to hear such stuff when you're the one putting in the effort. Not because he isn't putting in any effort, but because he's right. It's sad how the boundaries can't be broken just because you want them to. It's harder than that. And it's quite sad that you're forced to work around them rather than face them head on.

Even if you try your best.

Fragmented Thoughts

It's been a rather busy week so I've only been able to blog about the day's events at a later point.

Cross country gave me a rather scary thought which I only managed to link up with an earlier event at a later point in time.

This year, there were thousands more injuries than the year before - despite being held at the same location, too. Figures, huh. For the note, there was only one injury last year, and my group handled it. This year, however, abrasions were aplenty. Fainting too. And falling down and the like. I think the main problem was forgetting to tell each station to make sure runners don't bloody run on the gratings.

That aside, the first casualty was a somewhat annoying bugger I knew (He wasn't too buggerish to me, personally. I just hear he is to many) who got four abrasions - both knees, left elbow, stomach. I don't even know how he got the one on the stomach.

I took out the alcohol swabs, and started wiping his knee. Unsurprisingly, he started cringing a lot. JAng wiped the other knee, and he was like owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww and so on. My first comment? "Bear with it. The stomach one may hurt even more."

Only at the end of the event did I realize how absolutely nonchalant I sounded saying that. What would he have felt hearing that? I'm not sure. It's a duty to care for a person's injuries but just as much a duty to care for the person himself, and I seemed to have forgotten the latter after all the injuries came along.

Was I desensitized to his feelings because of what I knew him to be? Because I'd seen these kind of stuff before and knew exactly what to do? Because I wasn't going to panic in the least bit while looking for the alcoholic swabs?

When I remembered my pain in the hospital and how much I hated the staff nurses that I realized that it wasn't their fault, but the nature of their job. It was inevitable that they would turn nonchalant to it all. To the cries of pain. To the plea asking them to stop for now.

It just turns into another job.

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Choral exchange was a painful reconciling with my past. Not that I don't stand by my actions (I don't actually, I just take responsibility for them) but sometimes I just felt it was kind of wasted and all. I do admit I felt he was a terribly annoying person and an absolute bugger to be around but I didn't have as much of an issue with him as .10 did. If I do admit it? It felt kind of stupid wasting a friendship over the other person being a bugger. I'd be killing friends all over if that happened, and I'm pretty sure other friends would be killing me all over if they had a similar attitude.

Well, it's good to know he's doing well in a new place. Just a pity I got to know him before that and saw him in the light that everyone had seen him. Wasted, but I have to live with it I guess.

For some people, it just isn't worth breaking friendships with, even if they seem to have problems here and there - their intelligence tends to make up for it, and truly smart people are always rarer than truly nice people.

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Speaking of that, it seems another friend is giving up on a rare opportunity for reasons pertaining to the people around him.

I won't say that I'm not partially at fault for creating such a situation in the first place, but personally it seems too much of a waste to give up such a good opportunity. To work with such a person.

Really, some things aren't worth abandoning no matter the reason. I better get something done soon. I just hope that this doesn't turn out to be more difficult than I expect it to be.