Teacher's Day Eve

Hey, tomorrow's the last teacher's day we'll be having for a really long time.

(I think. Do they do it in uni? >_>)

I think the silence sufficiently conveys my feelings about this.

The Future

I find the idea of the future rather annoying. About dreams. About jobs. About work life, university life and 'what to do after this'.

It's annoying that there's a line between the people who have rich parents and can basically get into whatever university they want to, take whatever degree they want to and take any job they can afford to live off their parents - and the poor people who dream of getting a scholarship, getting a decent job (presumably bonded with the government), paying off their debts to their parents and hopefully breaking out of the cycle they were stuck in for so long.

And it's annoying that I have to tread this buggersome line because I'm not in either extreme category. Other people tend to take the first side if they can afford to, the second if they cannot. Someone like me inside the middle ends up feeling like he's completely out of touch with the world.

The ideals of job mobility and security come at certain prices - presumably the lack of the other in both respective cases. What's the value of a bond? Four to five years. How much is four to five years to me now? How much is four to five years to the me just out of the job market? What's the cost of not having a bond? Perhaps a student loan and you in the red; perhaps your parents working their lives away to finance your university life, or perhaps talent recognized enough for a bond-free scholarship (an idea so amazingly absent in the red dot).

There are horror stories of graduates ending up as clerks or any kind of work that ends up belittling their intelligence and capabilities. There are horror stories of graduates returning to Singapore, serving their bond and duty and realizing that the signature and fingerprint from the 18/19-year old you have cursed your life for the rest of your bond.

Really, there are horror stories of work life in general, just put it that way, huh.

It's annoying how I live with a belief and philosophy so egoistical in nature and so out-of-touch with reality because I believe that to some extent, reality can be conformed to me, as much as vice versa was possible. It is an idea that few can believe, fewer can justify, and almost none can execute. I do not lie within the 'almost none' nor the 'fewer'. Anyone lying within the 'almost none' is probably lying or an ubermensch.

Sigh. Nevermind, sian to talk. (I'll probably still be sian when any of you ask about it)

O U Bugger

近い。　近すぎる。　分っている？　彼と一緒なら絶対にうれしい結論にできませんということ。　知らなかったんでしょう。　まあ、　しょうがないんさ。　それは人生だからな。　君は知ってるのは　"彼は私ほど相手を愛することができん”　と言う思いだね。　違いではないんだけど、まあ、正しいでもないんですね。　ちょっと複雑なことだね、人間関係は。　

僕は？　僕は分ってるよ。　君が知らないこと。　君が思えないこと。　考えられないこと。　彼のこと。　なぜなら彼はお前の思ったよりバカだからね。

近いよ。　近すぎる。　すっげ近いよ。　そんなに近ったら傷付けちゃうよ。　まあ、僕には関係ないけどね。

でもさあ、君にとってそれはどうでもいいんでしょう。　だって、　きみはもう言ったのよ。　”平等できないなら、私方が多いさ”って。　そういうの"愛"はどうかしら。　

実はね。　あんたは彼を感情捨て人形と見なすだけでしょう。　君は知らないけど。　でも、そうやったら幸せになれないよ。　そうしても続くのかな？　まあ、　今の君はそういう人と一緒にいることは必要かもしれません。　僕には関係ない。

でもさあ、　もうすぐ傷付けちゃうよ。　知らない、感じない、考えられないうちに。　

Fuckyear IOC Over

fuckyeah IOC is over

Thanks to all people involved in helping me on this, including but not limited to:

Jiayan for giving a copy of IOC notes
Kuang for giving a copy of IOC notes (As my birthday present)
JY for giving a copy of IOC notes
Jarrel for giving a copy of IOC notes (On soft AND on hard copy =O )
Jonny for giving a copy of IOC notes
XM for practising IOC with me (I would put something here but I can't think of what)
Jonny for practising IOC with me (till I got sick of it hahahaha)
JY for practising IOC with me (and teaching King Lear)
Jarrel for giving me a copy of the IOC extracts (LOL I would've died without them)
Jiayi for lending me IOC poems during Maria Nathan's lessons
XM for typing out IOC raws for printing and practising
Arjun / Naga / HY / Lev / Julfri / Marc / Jonny / XM for wishing good luck on IOC
Arjun for lending his watch for IOC
Naga and Arjun for helping get my bag when I was running up the ramp (and thinking I was late for IOC for not reporting 15 minutes early mehhhhhh worry so much for nothing)

I uh believe that was about it. Is there anyone I missed out? I mean it goes under the "not limited to" part, but I rather dislike that. Do say something if I missed you out or something.

YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

ok back to life

Peace in mind, ironically

偶尔我会怀疑。怀疑我生存的理由。 怀疑我生存的意义。

你知道吗？如果你帮助人家太多次了，你会渐渐觉得“帮助人”是你存在的意义。 如果你每一天都与天才们交往，你会渐渐觉得“天才”是你的身份。 如果你一直帮朋友做他们的功课，你迟早有一天会觉得“若我不能做好功课的话就不是人家的朋友了”。

就像一支原子笔 - 每天每辰每秒用， 墨水一完就没用。

而我就是一位拥有一支永远需要借给别人的原子笔。 永远得自己再添墨水，再买墨水，再借别人。

或许有可能，我就是那支原子笔。自己添自己的墨水，无法这么样做的时候就立刻被丢掉。

－－－－－－－－－－－－

なんでだろう心が悩む時にいつも他の国の言葉でブロッグポストを書く。

ーーーーーーーーーーーーー

Perhaps today I really was not sound in heart nor in mind.

Thankfully I am now. I have a good friend to thank for my current peace and relief. At the very least, the above statements applied to a point before 23:30 of 11/8/09.

西野 奴へ

拝見：　西野　奴へ

どうも。僕の名前をもう知ってるから自己紹介しない。気にしないでください。

私はね、今。お前のことが嫌いだ。…いや、嫌いじゃなくて、"苦情"　だ。　お前がやったことの結果で。　お前の人類関係の態度について。　

分かる？　お前の人生態度と苦情があるさ。　

お前は"内緒"の意味が分りますか？分らないのか？　"内緒"　の　"内"　は　"心の中に"　の意味ですね。分りますね。そして　"緒"　は　"一緒"　と言う意味ですね。それも分るよね。

でもさあ、あんたにとって　"内緒"　の　"緒"　の意味は　"皆と一緒"　だと思っているんじゃないですか。それより "内"　の意味を　"口の中に"　と思ってんのは何でだろう。　それはただの間違いですか。　それとも、これはあんたの秘密の守り方ですか。　冗談じゃないよ！　てめ！

おめえ、　分ってねんのか？　野郎！　人と人の関係の中心は気持ちだよ！二人だけの秘密は二人朋の気持ちの証明だよ！　内緒はただの物じゃない！　人はただの者じゃない！　他の人とあなたとの内緒はあんたの使い物じゃない！　そうしたらあんたは何者になるのか分る？　

感情がない人だよ。　皆の気持ちは分れなくて認められない人だよ。　悲しいですか。　でもあんたはもう感情がないでしょう。　悲しいと言う感じが分らん。　共感と言う思いは感じられん。　

笑わないでください。　僕は笑われない。

皆の気持ちをまじめに考えてください。

ー　あんたにとってただの者

I forget the complicated nature of humans at some point of time.

I pray I keep myself sane and sound throughout this.

I feel like such a small man in the great scheme of things.

I thank the friends I have for reminding me of this very fact.

18th birthday

A total of 18 invited people, of which 4 did not come. One for a sad friend, one for a terrible fever, one for family matters and one for time.

It was, for the most of it, a class affair, with only a few other close friends attending. When you say the term, only 3 people come to my mind, all starting with 'J'. There are certainly other good wingmen who I have been with for a long time, each with funky letters (apart from J) - X, K, the like. But I'd say with certainty that only the first 3 I would call in any situation whatsoever. Nevertheless, one crashed anyway upon finding out some stuff.

Sometimes I wonder whether I'm a good chairman or host or leader or helper or teammate. Some people say I do too much for others. Others say I'm too hard on myself. Perhaps I am, perhaps I am. It feels very much my personality to be so, at the very least.

At the end of the party, everyone's gone. The only two people in the house are me and the man with the birthday tomorrow. The house remains in its silence - all fans off, air con (yes it's actually on) whirring ever so quietly - except for the jazz medley from the speakers. I can never understand how someone can get sick of it, only how someone can get annoyed at inappropriate moments for jazz (which is their fault anyway. dah)

Really. You should put yourself in a room one day, soundproof, with nothing but the sound of jazz in the background. If you ignore all the issues of forced solitude and potentially self-induced insanity, it's a pretty wonderful experience. I should try that again sometime.

I'm really very thankful that I had 14 people coming along just for this. Well, 13 to be exact. It's pretty damn fun and I really hope everyone enjoyed themselves. Well, I think they did. Should be. I did. It's really really really really sad about the 4 people, though. Particularly the fever one. Considering all the work put in, this really feels like the ultimate bummer.

Originally we were thinking about having some outside party. I'm glad it wasn't. I love my house for a party more so than any other place, really. Save maybe Wei Hua's. XD

I would write more, but my mind's pretty distracted here and there. I should get some jazz to listen to while writing, not Bump of Chicken. >_>

But I think I can answer in regards to one of the questions I have about myself.

I think I'm a pretty good chairman.