Peace in mind, ironically

偶尔我会怀疑。怀疑我生存的理由。 怀疑我生存的意义。

你知道吗？如果你帮助人家太多次了，你会渐渐觉得“帮助人”是你存在的意义。 如果你每一天都与天才们交往，你会渐渐觉得“天才”是你的身份。 如果你一直帮朋友做他们的功课，你迟早有一天会觉得“若我不能做好功课的话就不是人家的朋友了”。

就像一支原子笔 - 每天每辰每秒用， 墨水一完就没用。

而我就是一位拥有一支永远需要借给别人的原子笔。 永远得自己再添墨水，再买墨水，再借别人。

或许有可能，我就是那支原子笔。自己添自己的墨水，无法这么样做的时候就立刻被丢掉。

－－－－－－－－－－－－

なんでだろう心が悩む時にいつも他の国の言葉でブロッグポストを書く。

ーーーーーーーーーーーーー

Perhaps today I really was not sound in heart nor in mind.

Thankfully I am now. I have a good friend to thank for my current peace and relief. At the very least, the above statements applied to a point before 23:30 of 11/8/09.

西野 奴へ

拝見：　西野　奴へ

どうも。僕の名前をもう知ってるから自己紹介しない。気にしないでください。

私はね、今。お前のことが嫌いだ。…いや、嫌いじゃなくて、"苦情"　だ。　お前がやったことの結果で。　お前の人類関係の態度について。　

分かる？　お前の人生態度と苦情があるさ。　

お前は"内緒"の意味が分りますか？分らないのか？　"内緒"　の　"内"　は　"心の中に"　の意味ですね。分りますね。そして　"緒"　は　"一緒"　と言う意味ですね。それも分るよね。

でもさあ、あんたにとって　"内緒"　の　"緒"　の意味は　"皆と一緒"　だと思っているんじゃないですか。それより "内"　の意味を　"口の中に"　と思ってんのは何でだろう。　それはただの間違いですか。　それとも、これはあんたの秘密の守り方ですか。　冗談じゃないよ！　てめ！

おめえ、　分ってねんのか？　野郎！　人と人の関係の中心は気持ちだよ！二人だけの秘密は二人朋の気持ちの証明だよ！　内緒はただの物じゃない！　人はただの者じゃない！　他の人とあなたとの内緒はあんたの使い物じゃない！　そうしたらあんたは何者になるのか分る？　

感情がない人だよ。　皆の気持ちは分れなくて認められない人だよ。　悲しいですか。　でもあんたはもう感情がないでしょう。　悲しいと言う感じが分らん。　共感と言う思いは感じられん。　

笑わないでください。　僕は笑われない。

皆の気持ちをまじめに考えてください。

ー　あんたにとってただの者

I forget the complicated nature of humans at some point of time.

I pray I keep myself sane and sound throughout this.

I feel like such a small man in the great scheme of things.

I thank the friends I have for reminding me of this very fact.

18th birthday

A total of 18 invited people, of which 4 did not come. One for a sad friend, one for a terrible fever, one for family matters and one for time.

It was, for the most of it, a class affair, with only a few other close friends attending. When you say the term, only 3 people come to my mind, all starting with 'J'. There are certainly other good wingmen who I have been with for a long time, each with funky letters (apart from J) - X, K, the like. But I'd say with certainty that only the first 3 I would call in any situation whatsoever. Nevertheless, one crashed anyway upon finding out some stuff.

Sometimes I wonder whether I'm a good chairman or host or leader or helper or teammate. Some people say I do too much for others. Others say I'm too hard on myself. Perhaps I am, perhaps I am. It feels very much my personality to be so, at the very least.

At the end of the party, everyone's gone. The only two people in the house are me and the man with the birthday tomorrow. The house remains in its silence - all fans off, air con (yes it's actually on) whirring ever so quietly - except for the jazz medley from the speakers. I can never understand how someone can get sick of it, only how someone can get annoyed at inappropriate moments for jazz (which is their fault anyway. dah)

Really. You should put yourself in a room one day, soundproof, with nothing but the sound of jazz in the background. If you ignore all the issues of forced solitude and potentially self-induced insanity, it's a pretty wonderful experience. I should try that again sometime.

I'm really very thankful that I had 14 people coming along just for this. Well, 13 to be exact. It's pretty damn fun and I really hope everyone enjoyed themselves. Well, I think they did. Should be. I did. It's really really really really sad about the 4 people, though. Particularly the fever one. Considering all the work put in, this really feels like the ultimate bummer.

Originally we were thinking about having some outside party. I'm glad it wasn't. I love my house for a party more so than any other place, really. Save maybe Wei Hua's. XD

I would write more, but my mind's pretty distracted here and there. I should get some jazz to listen to while writing, not Bump of Chicken. >_>

But I think I can answer in regards to one of the questions I have about myself.

I think I'm a pretty good chairman.