April Fool Angsting

Inside the closed-in walls of the July that has gone,
The words were broken down, in a past without tears.
...
The edges of my memories, the far off, frozen, unreachable life.
In a crack in the mirror that no one can hold,
Seven broken doll sings silent tears of mud.
Drain the maggot’s blood in the days that will never be returned;
And pierce the eyes with a brier of a clock
That crumbled into dust within seven days.
The cruel judge records the faded letters of my life…
Only a bird with broken wings can tell the truth…
...
With light only silence...
...
Death is frozen all the way to the edge of its molecules
While the night loves eternity,
At the same time it chops down desire with a stone axe.
Drink up the pain of a brain being split open!
...
The twelve white messengers who were washed ashore
...
The mirage above the piece of paper,
The spent country made of glass,
The corpse sings with a necklace of many, many tears on its breast.
The duck’s shadow on the cliff where light has ceased to exist…
Will the blameless traveler ever tell of this story?
...
When nineteen cold moons have crossed the sky
After the day of pronouncement, and the night has passed,
The world will end with the rising of the sun.
What else can we do... other than smash the green plate...

-Kino's Journey, various parts of Book of Prophecy/Angst

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Damn Japs. Taking this and putting it through all that fancy-schmancy shit, turning my feelings into some sort of bloody joke.

I hate this. I hate you. I hate everything. I don't know why I'd been putting up a show for so long; but I just did. The curtains were set and the actor could no longer change any part of himself, but continue on with the bloody show with the mocking audience laughing at the poor actor.

I've been living a lie. A bloody lie. For such a long time. I should've let go earlier, went mad earlier. But no, I just went on, pretending I was normal, advising those who weren't ok, helping out those in need, conversing with friends who were never there with me.

I never should've done any of that should I.

I remember I talked to SZ last time about why angsting in silence was stupid. Paranoia, schizophrenia, helplessness and living a lie, those were the basic ideas. He said that I was smart about that, but what am I. I was the bloody hypocrite going through all of that in the first place wasn't I. I was the one being paranoid, living self-consciously like the actor who knows his costume is wrong but is unable to do anything about it; I knew I was the one being schizophrenic, always fearing when my other side of myself would finally show to the outer world and I would no longer be viewed as what I was once viewed as; I was the one feeling helpless, unable and unsure of what to do, trying to help when I couldn't do anything, trying to please when I could only hurt, trying to cry when I could only smile and trying to smile when I could only cry; I was the one living a lie. I was the one who was a bloody hypocrite.

I was the one who pretended that everyone was a friend to me. And I was the one who pulled the strings and made everyone a friend to me.

I go around going whee I've 5000 visitors some people care about my life. I don't even know them. For all I know you readers aren't Singaporean and instead somewhere in Java. Why should I care? 3, 20, 97, 276, 1439, 4938, what does it matter? I bet it's just some bored dude constantly refreshing just to fool me into thinking that people care about my life; I know better than that. I don't need to rely on statistics to know that no one cares for me.

I hate this. I hate having fake friends. I hate pretending to be what I'm not. I hate to be a pillar of strength when I'm burning inside-out. I hate being nice, being friendly, being a joker to those I called friends. I hate being a chairman and having authority that only made me a figurehead; I hate responsibilities placed upon me because of those so-called ideals that I bore.

No more of this. I shall break down, on my own will. Not you, not them, not him or her who will make my knees bend and my feet fall. Only I can do this to myself; none of you shall destroy me but myself. I brought this ruin upon myself; I caused myself to break.

Despair. Sadness. Crying. Hopelessness. Deception. Delusion. Desolation. Helplessness. Isolation. Stress. Pressure. Vanity. I don't care about it anymore; I've been trying to pretend that I didn't have such things for so long; now I no longer care. Come, I shall embrace you. I don't care anymore. Make me more sad, more hopeless, more stressed, more isolated, more vain, more despaired, I can't do anything anyway; I can't cry. I am but a doll masterfully weaved to convey emotion, express feelings, bring happiness and sadness to others. But what happens when the audience is left and the puppeteer is alone? The doll slinks to the floor, emotionless and empty.

I don't care; I'd rather live a life of pure despair, than live a life of fake happiness. What good is it? It's not mine. I could make everyone else happy or sad; I don't care now. It's not my emotions. Why should I care? I have manipulated you all into being my 'friends' until I myself fell to that trick, and when I finally realize, I can no longer break from guilt nor can I liberate myself.

When a bird is chained down, it can squeal all it wants, it can flap its wings all it wants, but what can it do? It can only break its wings in the process. I, bound by my emotions, what can I do? Wrestle with them, not yield to them, but what does that do? I only break my sanity in the process. It is vain. And I care not about that. My sanity has been broken long ago when I tried to wrestle and resist them; now the gears are broken and the springs are loose; the toy can no longer work and entertain the audience.

The jester goes and puts on his show, after all the world is a stage. But when the laughter is not on the jokes, instead the comedy strikes at him, he must continue, bear the pain, until they're gone or he's dead. Suppose the jester survives the day, against all will and logic, he must continue, because the next day comes and he has his pay to work for. Humanity can mock him, humanity can murder his feelings, but only when humanity has killed him can he finally rest in true peace.

Go ahead, sympathize for me. What good is sympathy? You cannot feel for the person. You force yourself to feel for him. You make your own context to understand his pain. You try and try, but all you get is an insensitive bastardization of his pain. So go on, sympathize for me; or have you already done so? It's ok; I can't feel it. After all, a puppet only gives and receives when in the presence of others. Once it is alone the puppet loses everything; passion, compassion, and life.

Don't worry about me, I know I'm not alone. The stage known as life couldn't possibly have had only one vacancy for self-conceited toys of life.

KW forgot my birthday =(

Watashi: O btw, when's yer birthday
KW: 27th October, why?
Watashi: Hmm. Nah, jus wondering.
KW: Haha, OK...
KW: Your's is somewhen in April?
Watashi: I'm the first o' the month
KW: The 1st? Oh, haha cool.
Watashi: Indeed
KW: I remember someone was born on April's Fool.
Watashi: Isn't that me >_>
KW: Exactly... XD
Watashi: So I'm a fool.
KW: No... -_-
Watashi: Then what am I
KW: Herrick lah... O_o If you're born on Easter you're not a bunny, are you? O_o
Watashi: >_________> SZ's born a day before April's Fools and he's a joker
KW: Haha...
Watashi: So >_>
>_> hey
Watashi: how'd you think a person would feel if you didn't know his birthday
KW: I guess he'd be upset to an extent...
Watashi: Hmm. What if no one did?
KW: That shouldn't be the case... OK assume it is, I know. >.> I guess he'd be really upset lor...
Watashi: Lol. But if you don't know someone's birthday
KW: But then it depends how he perceives birthdays; some people really don't care, while some take it like it's a really special day.
KW: Ehh, I guess I'd feel bad. >.>
Watashi: Haha
I see
Ever screwed up birthdays before? XD
KW: As in? Mine or other's? XD
Watashi: others
KW: Err, not really... How'd you do that?
Watashi: Beats me. Well, then again I don't take a special effort to remember the birthdays of others. You?
KW: I try hard. XD But it takes lotsa' time. I'm pretty terrible at dates. XD
Watashi: yet you don't screw up birthdays? Cool.
KW: Meaning? I still don't get what you mean by screwing up...
Watashi: As in mix up
completely
Watashi: like uhh I dunno
KW: Oh, as in mix dates up, huh?
Watashi: September to March?
KW: Oh, haha nah... I can pretty much remember months.
Watashi: August to April?
Watashi: July to May?
Watashi: June to... oh wait >_>
Watashi: I guess you don't make far-out mistakes like that, huh
KW: Not very often; maybe the first few times?
Watashi: First few times?
Watashi: What about friends you've known for a rather long time?
Watashi: Like say, Mike or Me or Klow or Zhang or something
KW: Like when it's someone I just got to know and he tells me his birthday, then the second time round I'd probably forget the month?
KW: Haha, I know all of 'em now. =)
Watashi: say them all muahaha. Lemme test you >_>
KW: 7th November, 1st April, 14th March, 6th January.
Watashi: I see >_>
KW: Hmm, those same letter ones confuse sometimes, maybe...
KW: The three Js.
Watashi: Sometimes? But June and January are like damn far apart.
Watashi: what else? oh yeah Aug and Apr lol
Watashi: And… no, doesn't seem like anything else
KW: It was weird lah; I knew it was January but when I typed it became June. O_o
Watashi: lol
Watashi: So you're sure they're all correct and if I asked them now it'd be correct?
KW: Yeah.
Watashi: Confident. =)
KW: =)
Watashi: Well gotta go.
Watashi: Make sure you don't screw up those birthdays =)
KW: Haha, sure OK. =)
KW: Bye! (bye)

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I dunno whether I'm being really mean to KW or whether he really should be laughed at. No matter how many times I try to hint it to him, he just doesn't get it does he XD

Well, maybe I should be upset to a certain extent like he thinks one would. Hahaha >_>

UYOs

Kev talked so much about UYO in his recent blog, talking about how bad UYO was. I dunno, but I'm rather sure he also had this wondering about why I 'liked' UYO.

When I was first transferred from Band into SJAB, it was because of time issues; Band took up too much time and I couldn't have a 2nd CCA, which was compulsory at that time. I heard stuff from Mike and KW about how slack SJAB was, and besides, my friends were there, I'm not interested in NCC, so hey, why not. My first day was going to be March Camp.

On the first day of March Camp I entered my room (one of the GE classrooms. Was it 2.12? I can't remember. I think so.) then I came out. I kena 60 pumping withn 10 minutes of joining SJAB. Uhh. >_>

I remember when I was in Sec 2 everything was damn slack for camp (Why this is so, SJAB people know already, so.). I was pissed off at Andrew who was like I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE I HATE THIS I HATE THIS. I mean, I survived 500 pumping and you can't take 20? This is a joke. And he's still the joker.

I remember when I learnt CPR in Sec 1, we only learnt one; the one where everything went well. They talked about unconscious choking and never taught us what to do then. I remember when I learnt CPR in Sec 2, we only recapped one and didn't learn any others; the one where everything went well. They talked about unconscious choking and never taught us what to do then.

By Sec 3, I knew the senior's MSN addresses and eventually asked John B to teach me what to do in the case of unconscious choking, pulmonary edema and lung punctures. I don't know, but I don't think FA should be taught to those with initiative.

I remember that when I was Sec 2, Mike KW and I were resolving to make SJAB more reasonable/slack/etc. I remember that I wanted to become a Staff Sergeant. I remember that I wanted to get the Sword of Honour. Why? Prestige. I wanted to work hard towards that goal. I didn't.

I wanted to change SJAB. I wanted to be a Staff so I could do that. Oh what am I saying; I just wanted to be a Staff for the heck of it >_>. But seriously, I was out to try and change SJAB. I remember disagreeing with KW about SJAB and First Aid, thinking that we already had learnt sufficient. After I went through March Camp, I suddenly realize that I had learnt nothing about First Aid in my first two years. CPR? Only one way. Full Body Immobilization? Only for spinal injuries. Burns? Water ftw. Fracture? Armsling / Lower body immobilization. Evisceration? Aah, everyone knows this one.

But in life cases have as many permutations as chess does; what am I going to do when something else occurs? David Tan asked me who the team that won first for the FAC Nationals (They said it was inter-UYO, so.) and remarked that it could possibly be BB. I was pissed and said that was retarded. He remarked that BB did First Aid too; and SJAB didn't teach much FA. If BB has a bloody team for Bible Quiz and Scouts has a team for campcraft or other stuff, and NCC has a team for shooting, why the bloody hell wouldn't we have a team for first aid?

Now that I've the March Camp FA paper with me I can now go around smiting blesphemers who say that BB does FA too! When I tell them that other UYOs don't learn FA like SJAB.

But honestly, I had a pride in SJAB. Simultaneously, I wanted to change it. I suddenly realized that SJAB really didn't teach enough FA like KW said, after one lecture from Edward. And for SJAB to really be SJAB, we need, like Ben Tan (Aah it's a blog I hope you don't mind me not referring to you as Sir here >_>) said, each and every cadet to be as good as Edward Lee in terms of FA.

Y'know, I have to be thankful. Edward really did change SJAB, and I the newcomer when he changed everything. At the same time I realize that teh discipline is dropping seriously. Hmm.

I wanted to change things and be a Staff to do that, but now I know that I need not; they're others who've already fought the battle before I even started. My duty is now to make sure that SJAB changes for the better, and not for the worse.

For this, I will retain my pride in SJAB and stay proud of it. There is a calling; I have a job to do. Unlike Kev I cannot fall back because I dislike any aspect of SJAB; I still have much stuff I want to do as a member of SJAB than he does as a member of NPCC(L).

ISO Oral Defence + 5k visits

HAHAHAHAHAHA I OWNED YOU SIEW TEE

Oral Defence was ownage. I seriously owned everyone. Muahahaha.

I went up and Kieth Tan helped plug in my thumbdrive, and he looked at my presentation title. Death of Philosophy.

"Wah, cheem." - Keith Tan.

I open the file and the slides show.

"Oh, so you decided to insist on this project?" - Siew Tee. WAR!

Me: "Yes, Maam, I. Decided. To. Insist. On. The. Project." Declaration of war. >_>

Siew Tee (To Keith Tan and Law Miew Fong): Oh, cause he was under me first, and I didn't think the project was good, so

Me: so I switched mentor. *Presentation begins*

Slide 1: Title

Me: *Introductions*

Slide 2: Defining Philosophy

Me: *WALL OF TEXT*

Law Miew Fong: Ke2 Yi3 Jiang3 Man4 Dian3 Ma1?
Me: Uhh ok >_>
Me: *WALL OF TEXT at 0.75x speed*
Keith Tan: o_O
Siew Tee: o_O
Law Miew Fong: o_O

Slide 3: Objectives

Me: *States objectives*

Slide 4: Research Questions

Me: *States RQs*

Slide 5: Methodology

Me: *WALL OF TEXT*

Slide 6: Lit Review

Me: *States sources*

Slide 7: Timeline

Me: Uhh yeah that's the timeline. I'll just skip it >_>

END

Keith Tan + Siew Tee + Law Miew Fong: Do you think that you alone as an individual can handle this?

Me: *WALL OF TEXT*

Keith Tan + Siew Tee + Law Miew Fong: o_O Ok.

Siew Tee: Is your mentor ok with this, and whatever you're doing? *WARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.*

Me: Yes, maam, I've, confirmed, everything, with, my, teacher. He says it's good. HE. LIKES. IT.

Siew Tee: *OWNED*

Keith Tan: I admire the effort you put into this >_>
Siew Tee: o_O
Law Miew Fong: o_O

OWNAGE MUAHAHAHAHA TAKE THAT SIEW TEE AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Yet another ISO lesson that has not failed to satisfy and make my day. Seriously, I can just think of the immense pain I would be going through had I not chosen to switch mentors to Wang Ping Loong.

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Yay, 5000 visitors as of 22/3/2006. I wonder whether this is worth any significance in my life, actually. XD I mean there's a good chance I'll have 10000 by next year o_O. Oh well, who cares. This is my blog muahaha >_>

I'll be keeping the randomness up till I dunno.

525,600 Minutes

I should've looked for Seasons of Love earlier; it's such a nice song. Well, glad I managed to listen to it. It's like been set on repeat for a few hours on end already.

Klow's already posted the song lyrics on his blog previously, so I shan't bother doing so again. But it does make you think, doesn't it.

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Went to KAP, Bukit Timah Plaza, and Pei Hwa on Saturday. Damn, everything's changed. Where's the Waffletown I ever so loved to go to when I was a child? Oh yeah, next to Barker. >_> Where's the ol' arcade which I never went in but always wanted to check out? Gone. =\ What's there now? Like 5+ maid employment agencies take their stand there. What's this Bukit Timah Plaza now? I'd be scared to go there as a child, seeing those swarms of people trying to get a maid. =
Pei Hwa is the same. Everything's so modern now; it doesn't have that Chinese element it had back then before it renovated. =\ Where's the secret exits? The small hole at the back gate where Yu Min, Gid and I sneaked out through? (Yes it's small) The area at the side gate where one could climb over the walls and sneak out? The stone-laden path where we played that game? The simplistic facilities which we lived with? The monkey bars far out at the end of the field? Now instead there's that darn Westernized fishpond at the centre of the classroom block, and the classrooms stack 7 stories high. Like, damn, dude. This is a SAP school! Seriously, Western Modernization + Embracing the Chinese Culture = Giant Banana. =\