終わらないの明日へ

The thirty-first of December 2007, the Eve. Some homework left untouched (Much like some others), and some reflections done undone (Oh, the double-meanings.)

In light of last year's sheer awesome (Being reintroduced to fighters, going overseas three times during schooltime, cool classmates, doesn't really get better), this year probably wanes. Of course, I myself had kind of predicted that last year, and even though I could care less about how 3.9/10 were split, I could care about other annoyances associated with going on to Sec 3. Not to say that this has been a bad year, but comparing to the absolutely carefree self I was but a while ago, being responsible does take its toll on you. I'm sure some I know can testify to that.

After I updated my list of anime that I've watched, I realized a rather sad fact: I've watched/read close to 90 anime/manga series (Counting twice for anime which is incomplete whereas the manga goes to the very end, and for anime which deviate from the manga). Add in the fact that there's a few series that I can't remember the names of due to the fact that I was P1-3 and the name was in Chinese (Oh, Channel 8 Saturday Noon shows. How I miss Gundam Wing) and perhaps it'll hit hundred. Damn. Of course, as much as every being in the nearby vicinity would instantly declare me a Japanese weeaboo faggot, I guess I could reason it out since I have after all been exposed to such since the tender age of 7. That's more than half my life exposed to anime =O. But anyway, anyone wanting to borrow manga/anime can go ahead and ask me now since I've finally gotten my 80gb harddrive, 31 gigs of which have already been filled with anime XD Add in the stuff I got from the Chuang Yi warehouse sale, I guess I should have a substantial amount. >_>

Playing KoF XI with my bro on the PS2, and playing GGXX#R with him on the computer really reminds me of old times when we played KoF 98, 99, and 2000 together. Playing Touhou reminds me of Aero Fighters, just so much tougher. Watching Pokemon at 10.30am (Now 11) has been an 8-year old habit. Slacking is eternal. Even as a teen, age-old stuff still remain fresh in my mind. But still, time moves on. Even my bro feels surprised at the fact that in such a short time, he's already become 20 years old. And that's what I am in 5 year's time. Short, isn't it?

At the end of the past two years, I've put up a simple phrase on my blog: Owaranai no Ashita he. Meaning "Towards a neverending tomorrow" and taken from the game Gundam SEED: Owaranai no Ashita he, it is a simple statement, yet a rather beautiful one at that.

Two years ago, I misunderstood this statement, adding in my own melancholic (read: angsty. Woe) part into it. Last year, what I added to the simple phrase was in retrospect, a very insightful statement in how realistic it was. I never realized that I was like this last year. "Owaranai no Ashita he, Kinou he Kairanai kara" is such a simple statement, yet one I've easily forgotten, a realistic touch to an idealistic statement. Yet, it is better without the second half. After all, what is the purpose of an ideology apart from to be idealistic? But ultimately, what does this short statement, Owaranai no Ashita he mean? "Towards a neverending tomorrow" can mean so many different things.

With the simplest meaning, 'towards a neverending tomorrow' means that tomorrow never ends. We are eternally heading towards the future. Eternally heading towards a goal, eternally heading towards a certain endpoint. In a sense, we are constantly longing, forever in search of something.

However, let us move away from the conventional as the aforementioned concept is just a mere description of everyday life for the normal folk. Can't 'towards a neverending tomorrow' mean that tomorrow never comes? That today never ends? Physically, that's a dream come true: living without a care for tomorrow in a society where you can eternally stay a student, funded by an economy that you need not even care about, never fearing issues of the future. Whatever was eternally longing is now never longing. A live without purpose whatsoever apart from to live life over and over again endlessly. A purely carpe diem style of life. Nietzsche once said that the way to judge one's value in life was through eternal recurrence. What if there was just one moment in life that you could eternally repeat? What would it be? How enjoyable would it be? What would it be like? Sentimental? Thrilling? Peaceful? With friends? Or family? Or with a loved one? This would be the judgement for what your life's worth was. Yet, if you freeze the wrong moment in time, isn't that torture?

Now look at it again. Isn't the first concept and the second concept of 'towards a neverending tomorrow' the absolute same? A world with endless possibilities and a world with no possibilities can be the exact same, after all. So what makes the difference? What makes a neverending tomorrow? A neverending spirit. As long as you believe that a single thought can change the fate of your life, anything is possible by your hands. Of course I'm speaking from an eternal viewpoint where you can make choices infinitely, but even applying that into normal life, isn't it far more comforting to know that whatever small choice you make isn't vanity in the fight against predeterminism? And even if one is afraid of this power, isn't he more afraid of himself; of his inability to trust in his own decisions? It is a mere matter of self-faith. Perhaps this sounds rather existential (which I won't deny), verging even on being atheistic (or in the fundamentalist view satanic), but honestly, if you actually do some research, you will realize that satanism and christianity aren't completely mutually exclusive (though I must admit only in a rare few areas do they coincide, mostly incidentially the areas that also coincide with existentialism).

To me, a neverending tomorrow implies neverending possibilities (because there never exists a point where there are none), neverending mistakes and neverending pain, yet neverending successes and neverending happiness and fun. A world where you can truly go the way you want to, even in the constrictions of society. One where you can transcend boundaries without breaking them. Going beyond humanity while staying human. Outdoing yourself in your own body.

All this idealism. Yet what a simple prerequisite there is before you can realize all of that. All you need is heart and will. The will to sincerely try to seize the day the way you want to, to your best effort. A simple prerequisite, yet a difficult one to fulfill. I haven't been up to it for 15 years, but does that mean you can't? As the year ends again, I shall say it oncemore.

終わらないの明日へ.

Christmastime

Albert: I'm sorry if talking to that guy and getting lost made Christmas any less enjoyable, Innocia.

Innocia: Albert, maybe you just need to lighten up a bit. It's Christmas isn't it? Why not smile, be happy?

Albert: Christmas is indeed here, though just a shred of its former self. Perhaps it comes with age, or perhaps it comes with time. But I know that the silver bells ring no longer for me.

Innocia: Why do you say that?

Mera: While I am just a stranger, I can kind of understand him. Christmas of the past was more... unstained. After a while, Innocia, as children grow up, they tend to stop running around so much, and start to reflect more. In the past, usually minute things were what made me happy, and when you grow up, it really takes more than just one's relative dressing as Santa to make one happy. Maybe it's something that comes around with maturity, but it's more a sort of payback than a byproduct.

Innocia: Yet I am perfectly happy here with my brother and my benefactor, even without any presents. I doubt I can be very much more mature than you. It seems more like Albert has forgotten to take things easy, and feels too guilty for letting me run off.

Albert: It's more than just a feeling of guilt, sis. I quite agree with Mera here. Let me ask you something, Innocia. Do you remember the song, Silver Bells?

Innocia: ...yeah, but why?

Albert: What kind of bells do you think the song writer was thinking of when he or she wrote that song?

Innocia: Light, ringing handbells?

Albert: Yet they no longer exist. What you hear is the loud resounding echoes of the church bell calling because it's Sunday, not on the forthcoming on Christmas nor because it's its Eve. Delicate chimes exist no longer here, only loud resounds.

Innocia: I have to disagree with you here. Do you hear the bells?

Albert: There're bells?

Mera: ...ever so faintly. From that stray?

Innocia: More than that. Look at that couple entering the store. Do you hear the bells? An announcement is being made right now. Did you hear the bells? Look at the carollers there. Do you hear the bells? Look at the man dressing as Santa, riding that mechanical sleigh with a child in his embrace. Do you hear the bells? They have never stopped ringing for you, brother. You have just grown slightly deaf to the subtle sounds of serenity, the silver bells of Christmas. Christmas has never stopped for you, you have just grown slightly indifferent towards its spirit, caring about experiences. You just need to notice it again, Albert.

Albert: ...I guess. I'm sorry for making you say all this to me on Christmas.

Innocia: What are you saying? After all that, you're still being like this! Do I have to force you to be happy? ...nevermind. I wanna eat something. Come on, Albert!

(Innocia runs towards a cafe and waves at Albert.)

Albert: She's... changed quite a bit since I lost her. Though it's only been one or two days...

Mera: Children can be strong-willed and mature at times too. You just need to give them the chance to show that dreams are part of reality as well. Don't you think so? Come on, cheer up. I know you just got lectured by your younger sister, but don't act so pathetic. Seeing you so grey and her so white makes me feel rather sad for you.

Albert: I suppose.

Innocia: What're you two doing?! Can't you let a little girl have a happy Christmas without starving?

Mera and Innocia

Innocia: Why're you so quiet, Mera?

Mera: That's not a good question to ask someone who's helping you find your brother. Why do you think I'm quiet, then?

Innocia: I don't know. Isn't that why I asked you? Christmas is a time for celebrations. Shouldn't you be happier? Being so silent feels rather sad.

Mera: I've been living life alone for some time. Doesn't talking require a second party? I guess I just get used to it. What about you, then? Why're you so happy and going around so carefreely even though you can't find your brother? Shouldn't you be the least bit worried?

Innocia: My brother wanted me to have a happy Christmas. If I started worrying now and cried, I would remember me crying a few days before Christmas along with me having a happy Christmas celebration. If I worried now and still can't find him, it would be even worse. I wouldn't remember anything happy about Christmas. Wouldn't that be against what my brother wants? ...does that sound weird?

Mera: ...for someone your age, yes. But I suppose that is also the reason why your aura doesn't show itself in the snow; your inner self is pure, your emotions are as your name is.

Innocia: Aura? Inner self? Emotions?

Mera: Nevermind. Only the rarest of synaesthates would understand me. Let's find your brother, shall we? Even your happy self can't stay that way forever. ...or maybe it can?

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"They wanted us to have memories. If we concentrate on just fighting alone, we'd never be able to create good memories, would we? And if we don't have memories after the battle is over, we'd forget how to live altogether. And we'd think only of battles and how to fight them... so don't make fighting your only ambition in life.

-- Maya, Soukyuu no Fafner (Odex Translation)

Catching Up

Yes, it's been a long time since I blogged. You can kind of blame a number of stuff for it.

1. All the anime I bought at the Chuang Yi warehouse sale
2. All the manga I bought at the Chuang Yi warehouse sale
3. All the games I bought at Malaysia
4. Rappelz

To be exact, I bought 4 anime (2 for collection, 1 finished), 3 manga, and 12 games, so yeah, you can kinda tell what I've been doing.

Some of them really do do something to your head though. Watching Serial Experiments Lain and playing Xenosaga Ep. III first turned out to be a good thing, it really makes your mind think over the kind of issues they discuss.

Disgaea 2 on the other hand, is the exact same as Disgaea (Not that there's anything wrong with that), but sadly no one apart from Cleon and I know about the series, which is a waste.

Then there's FFXII which I have not touched in any way whatsoever because unlike Kwong and WH I have RPGs to play *ahem*. >_> But it's probably not as bad as X-2, so what's the issue. Even if FFXII turns out to be sucky, there's still FFXIII which seems to be pretty damn ownage from what's been seen (More than what's been seen of Halo 3, at least gameplay was showed >_>)

Couple that with Klow's post about music (Which really was more of a reminder than a particularly insightful piece, though credit must definitely be given to him for remembering such things), and you get the reasons why I haven't been blogging at all.

I realize that up till now, my writing has always been to convey ideas. The way I see it, writing is for ideas and music is for emotions. After all, it's not common that you hear of songs inspiring rallies and such, yet look at Mein Kampf, I have a Dream, and so on. Yet the plain form of text never really was too capable of conveying emotions without the transition into the physical realm, that of tone, drama, dance, song, and so forth.

I still have absolutely no idea why, but every single year I dream of singing Christmas carols with friends. Maybe it's because these simple songs can touch the hearts of so many. Maybe I just love Christmas and want to cherish my friends. Or maybe I want to convey the emotion of happiness to others.

But that dream has gone past 15 times, and probably will go past for a lot more times. So here I am in writing.

My ideas have always seemed better in my head than on words, and from the looks of it conveying emotion will go likewise. So what now? Practise isn't much of a word for omniperfectionists, so screw that.

Man, is this post a cry for help, a nostalgic reminiscence, or once again fragmentations?