To my teachers, because I never had the habit of expressing thanks in terms of gifts and favours.
To my CT, thank you for teaching all this while. As much as I've shown myself to be annoyed by you and shown myself to dislike you, I never really did hold anything against you except for the fact that I never really saw you seeing me as a student who could do well, instead seeing me mostly as a troublemaker. Maybe I am, and I'm sorry. But honestly, why did you never give me a chance? To let me show myself as someone capable. It was the only thing I've ever bore against you.
To my PCT, thank you for bearing with me all this while. I don't know if you were the one who wrote my CT/PCT comment or not, but I believe it was you, wasn't it. Was it so obvious? I never realized. Sorry for all the trouble I've been causing with my bad results, Ma'am. I really do try.
To my Chinese Teacher, thank you for bearing with the horrendous marks and grades I've been turning up. I respect and like you as a teacher but my attitude just doesn't match up at times. Sorry if I don't meet up to your expectations.
To my LAA Teacher, thank you for being such an interesting teacher. Listening to you constantly go on and on in class is actually very interesting, but sadly some of us just fail to realize that and doze off. Honestly, I'm actually one of them as well, but every time I've managed to keep awake I always find myself learning alot.
To my LAB Teacher, thank you for being such a kind and caring teacher in class. And thank you for being the idealistic one. I have never offered to teach, and I'll probably not do so again for a long time, and it's only because of the way you go about lessons. I really do enjoy the lessons in class, so thanks for making this possible.
To my CMath Teacher, thank you for being the other idealistic one. It's rare to have such a dedicated teacher at the job that isn't so darn pragmatic. There's a line between people doing their job because of professionalism and people doing their job because they like it; thank you for being among those on the latter. Thank you for sticking to your idealistic way of doing things rather than giving up and taking the pragmatic route. And thank you for being so tolerant with people who don't pass up their work early >_>
To my AMath Teacher, thank you for being such a good teacher. Maybe differentiation and integration really is easy, but I think that was only possible after all the practices that you made us do. Thank you for always entering class with that smile of yours and thank you for still smiling even while all of us were going "Noooooo" from all the homework.
To my IHS Teacher, thank you for being so huggable. I like hugging big people. Big teachers are nice to hug. But more seriously, thank you for being our IHS teacher. Lessons are really fun with you around because of your occasional but interesting commentary, and it's always enjoyable listening to lessons.
To my Physics Teacher, thank you for being so nice. Thank you for being so knowledgeable when we look for you. Maybe people don't listen to you during classes. But when people find you they learn so much that it really doesn't matter, does it? Thanks for making me realize that learning isn't a spoon-fed process.
To my POD Teacher, thank you for thinking so highly of me haha. Thank you for all the insight that you've brought into lessons, thank you for reading up so much and filling in every single spot which we as students cannot reach, trying so hard to teach as much as you can in a mere one hour even though you know it's darn impossible.
To my Japanese Teachers, thank you for guiding me all the way up till now. There's really not much I can say here, can I? My current sensei I have only known for slightly over 2 months.
To all Teachers: Thank you for all you've done, and sorry for what I've done.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Distances
Suzu: And here I am, Sora. After so many years; here, like we promised we would meet. It's been such a long time, and I really miss you.
Sora: It really has been a long time, hasn't it? I've missed you too, Suzu.
Suzu: Do you still remember the promise? The promise to meet again; the promise to chat again; the promise to see each other face to face again and talk, just like past times gone. All that here, a corner or sorts that we could call our own.
Sora: Who knew that such a small promise would have taken a lifetime to fulfill? We were but mere children then, and never realized the great lengths at which we would need to take to now meet each other once again.
Suzu: I still remember how soon after the promise I had to leave, and finally after I come back... You know, you should be pretty glad. People do come and visit every once in a while and it seems quite clean.
Sora: Is that so? I guess I have to thank them for the favour. It is pretty hard to...
Suzu: I went over to visit too. Clean, orderly, with your family, just the way you would have wanted it, right? Well, at least you can be sure that people still look after whatever you left back there.
Sora: That I admit.
Suzu: ...it's been a long 13 years, hasn't it? I really miss the landscape over here.
Sora: And I've been seeing it for a good 13, haven't I? Haha.
Suzu: The place really has changed alot since the past, hasn't it? I can barely recognize certain areas around here now. But still, this area stays the same, almost as if you've been protecting this area all this while. You know, I really would've liked to talk to you all about the time that I've spent away from here.
Sora: ...sorry.
Suzu: Why? Why did you have to leave me behind? What have you done? Didn't we promise?? To meet here? After all these years...
Sora: I'm sorry, Suzu...
Suzu: After all these years you just passed away and left me behind...
Sora: ...
Suzu: ...I'm sorry. It isn't like me, is it? I wonder at times, though. Whether you're looking over me somewhere from above. Whether you ever hear my thoughts, whether you hear the things that I've wanted to say to you. But you've moved on already, haven't you? And I should too.
-----------------------------
これ以上何を失えば 心は許されるの
どれ程の痛みならば もういちど君に会える
One more time 季節よ うつろわないで
One more time ふざけあった 時間よ
くいちがう時はいつも 僕が先に折れたね
わがままな性格が なおさら愛しくさせた
One more chance 記憶に足を取られて
One more chance 次の場所を選べない
いつでも捜しているよ どっかに君の姿を
向いのホーム 路地裏の窓
こんなとこにいるはずもないのに
願いがもしも叶うなら 今すぐ君のもとへ
できないことは もうなにもない
すべてかけて抱きしめてみせるよ
寂しさ紛らすだけなら
誰でもいいはずなのに
星が落ちそうな夜だから
自分をいつわれない
One more time 季節よ うつろわないで
One more time ふざけあった時間よ
いつでも捜しているよ どっかに君の姿を
交差点でも 夢の中でも
こんなとこにいるはずもないのに
奇跡がもしも起こるなら 今すぐ君に見せたい
新しい朝 これからの僕
言えなかった「好き」という言葉も
夏の想い出がまわる ふいに消えた鼓動
いつでも捜しているよ どっかに君の姿を
明け方の街 桜木町で
こんなとこに来るはずもないのに
願いがもしも叶うなら 今すぐ君のもとへ
できないことはもう何もない
すべてかけて抱きしめてみせるよ
いつでも捜しているよ
どっかに君の破片を
旅先の店 新聞の隅
こんなとこにあるはずもないのに
奇跡がもしも起こるなら 今すぐ君に見せたい
新しい朝 これからの僕
言えなかった「好き」という言葉も
いつでも捜してしまう どっかに君の笑顔を
急行待ちの 踏切あたり
こんなとこにいるはずもないのに
命が繰り返すならば 何度も君のもとへ
欲しいものなど もう何もない
君のほかに大切なものなど
- One More Time, One More Chance (秒速５センチメートル)
-----------------------------
It's hard when Byousoku 5cm already talked so much, but I tried, haha.
Sora: It really has been a long time, hasn't it? I've missed you too, Suzu.
Suzu: Do you still remember the promise? The promise to meet again; the promise to chat again; the promise to see each other face to face again and talk, just like past times gone. All that here, a corner or sorts that we could call our own.
Sora: Who knew that such a small promise would have taken a lifetime to fulfill? We were but mere children then, and never realized the great lengths at which we would need to take to now meet each other once again.
Suzu: I still remember how soon after the promise I had to leave, and finally after I come back... You know, you should be pretty glad. People do come and visit every once in a while and it seems quite clean.
Sora: Is that so? I guess I have to thank them for the favour. It is pretty hard to...
Suzu: I went over to visit too. Clean, orderly, with your family, just the way you would have wanted it, right? Well, at least you can be sure that people still look after whatever you left back there.
Sora: That I admit.
Suzu: ...it's been a long 13 years, hasn't it? I really miss the landscape over here.
Sora: And I've been seeing it for a good 13, haven't I? Haha.
Suzu: The place really has changed alot since the past, hasn't it? I can barely recognize certain areas around here now. But still, this area stays the same, almost as if you've been protecting this area all this while. You know, I really would've liked to talk to you all about the time that I've spent away from here.
Sora: ...sorry.
Suzu: Why? Why did you have to leave me behind? What have you done? Didn't we promise?? To meet here? After all these years...
Sora: I'm sorry, Suzu...
Suzu: After all these years you just passed away and left me behind...
Sora: ...
Suzu: ...I'm sorry. It isn't like me, is it? I wonder at times, though. Whether you're looking over me somewhere from above. Whether you ever hear my thoughts, whether you hear the things that I've wanted to say to you. But you've moved on already, haven't you? And I should too.
-----------------------------
これ以上何を失えば 心は許されるの
どれ程の痛みならば もういちど君に会える
One more time 季節よ うつろわないで
One more time ふざけあった 時間よ
くいちがう時はいつも 僕が先に折れたね
わがままな性格が なおさら愛しくさせた
One more chance 記憶に足を取られて
One more chance 次の場所を選べない
いつでも捜しているよ どっかに君の姿を
向いのホーム 路地裏の窓
こんなとこにいるはずもないのに
願いがもしも叶うなら 今すぐ君のもとへ
できないことは もうなにもない
すべてかけて抱きしめてみせるよ
寂しさ紛らすだけなら
誰でもいいはずなのに
星が落ちそうな夜だから
自分をいつわれない
One more time 季節よ うつろわないで
One more time ふざけあった時間よ
いつでも捜しているよ どっかに君の姿を
交差点でも 夢の中でも
こんなとこにいるはずもないのに
奇跡がもしも起こるなら 今すぐ君に見せたい
新しい朝 これからの僕
言えなかった「好き」という言葉も
夏の想い出がまわる ふいに消えた鼓動
いつでも捜しているよ どっかに君の姿を
明け方の街 桜木町で
こんなとこに来るはずもないのに
願いがもしも叶うなら 今すぐ君のもとへ
できないことはもう何もない
すべてかけて抱きしめてみせるよ
いつでも捜しているよ
どっかに君の破片を
旅先の店 新聞の隅
こんなとこにあるはずもないのに
奇跡がもしも起こるなら 今すぐ君に見せたい
新しい朝 これからの僕
言えなかった「好き」という言葉も
いつでも捜してしまう どっかに君の笑顔を
急行待ちの 踏切あたり
こんなとこにいるはずもないのに
命が繰り返すならば 何度も君のもとへ
欲しいものなど もう何もない
君のほかに大切なものなど
- One More Time, One More Chance (秒速５センチメートル)
-----------------------------
It's hard when Byousoku 5cm already talked so much, but I tried, haha.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Messages
100 messages gone with the push of a button.
Another 100 gone with the push of another.
Never expected to feel a sense of relief upon doing so.
Haha, the ironies of life.
Another 100 gone with the push of another.
Never expected to feel a sense of relief upon doing so.
Haha, the ironies of life.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Conversations
Visionary Sc: sian ive been a source of bad stuff happening these days lol
CR†§‡ : ya see ur impt
CR†§‡ : more than u can imagine
CR†§‡ : unlike me
CR†§‡ : (emo coming up)
CR†§‡ : everyone likes you
CR†§‡ : no one likes me
CR†§‡ : u got more prezzies than me
CR†§‡ : ur prezzies r nicer
CR†§‡ : gals give u stuff
CR†§‡ : while i get ownt
(: : i know you're the "go for it" type
Visionary Sc: ...actually i'm pretty much the opposite
(: : right then u dont know a person well and u wanna go out with her
(: : ?
Visionary Sc: .......cut that you're right >_>
(: : haha YAY!
(: : so childish tsk
わ。る。: on the topic of being able to converse casually
わ。る。: i have to say that the feeling is mutual coz
わ。る。: i've learned the hard way that many dont understand me when i talk normally
わ。る。: they think it's to chim
わ。る。: so i've learnt to talk...
わ。る。: more. ummm
Visionary Sc: simply o_O
わ。る。: straight-forwardly?
わ。る。: YES.
わ。る。: see. that's what i meant
わ。る。: at least you can understand me
わ。る。: and even help me finish the sentence it seems
B1ood: a trend of increasing maturity and emo-ness found in the content of ur blog as the years go by.
Visionary Sc: I think I'm less emo these days actually
B1ood: really
B1ood: i look back on my posts last time
B1ood: and i felt so incredibly ashamed
B1ood: what with girly writing and immature content
B1ood: at least i post crap now which is considerably more mature la
B1ood: even though its crap and all tt yes
Visionary Sc: >_________>
Visionary Sc: I just keep the more random stuff out of my blog lol
B1ood: lol
B1ood: and all GEP students
B1ood: at some point in their life
B1ood: will blog abt the injustice in GEP
Visionary Sc: >_> duh lol
Visionary Sc: she needs to stop calling the stuff I write pro
AoF: diabetes
AoF: lol
Visionary Sc: lol
AoF: but it is
Visionary Sc: who seriously actually thinks so
AoF: me?
Visionary Sc: I dunno lah its just that I keep thinking of mike wee
AoF: her?
AoF: ?!
AoF: how
Visionary Sc: And then I get the idea that whenever I think my writing is good it's damn ego and it really isn't
AoF: dude
AoF: if people tell u it is
AoF: and its not just iike being nice
AoF: then it is
Visionary Sc: >_> yeah, that's not the easiest thing to distinguish is it
AoF: like look at who is telling u la
AoF: shes quite frank right
AoF: same with me
AoF: if i think it sucked i would have told u long ago
J: time to read sth else
J: i swear
J: too much of ur blog and ill turn normal
Visionary Sc: I still completely fail to understand what you get from reading my blog XD
J: read above sentence
Visionary Sc: Haha
Visionary Sc: I think I'll just take it that I'm good at writing =p
J: yeah
J: damned good
Visionary Sc: though honestly
Visionary Sc: I fail to see how reading screwed up stories makes you normal
Visionary Sc: I thought it would have done the exact opposite
J: nah
J: the other
J: way
Visionary Sc: can I just ask something though
Visionary Sc: Why "Smile more" >_>
because that: i don't kno.w
because that: know*
because that: you strike me as being quite...
because that: tense?
because that: i'm not sure if that's the right word though.
because that: oh well.
because that: smiling is good for your health!
because that: and therefore you should smile more k?
Visionary Sc: Am I really that emo
CR†§‡ : -_-'
CR†§‡ : errr
CR†§‡ : during the chalet
CR†§‡ : yea
CR†§‡ : quite
CR†§‡ : normally
CR†§‡ : also quite
CR†§‡ : o_O
Visionary Sc: o_O
CR†§‡ : what kind of answer is that
我爱你, 那么多...: I think you've become nicer lah...!
(8) f r o t : herrick! what's gotten into you?
(8) f r o t : what happened to your "i care not" attitude?
And so much more. Well, Jarrel, I guess this post really does make me a gossip, doesn't it. Sorry to a few of the people here whose conversations were quoted; it is rather annoying that more people than I'd like read this blog, oh well. I have to live with it eh. >_>
Sometimes it's good to just go around completely ignoring the attitudes of people around you. Caring little that people thought of you as a crazy person, an asshole, or even in the words of a now-acquaintance from 2 years back, a 'seriously fucked up person'. Ignoring the fact that everyone hates the stuff you do. Ignoring the fact that apart from a few select individuals, you weren't really appreciated much for anything. Going around thinking that everything just comes and goes, moves on. Strangers, acquaintances, friends, family, relatives, and the like. All just coming and going. I never really felt any attachment at all. I just cursed myself as someone with annoyingly good memory, looking hopelessly at the present and only willing to look back.
Only two years into the future did I realize that I was being such a pathetic cousin. And by then, all she could say was "sorry, but that was what you were like to me all the time". The story of a child who broke his younger brother's kite, only to realize the true extent of the horrendousness of his actions years later. When he tried to talk to the brother, the brother had long forgotten about it. Was he forgiven? Or has the brother merely forgotten his absolute hatred?
It's hard living a life under a servant mentality because you never realize that you have it good, and also because you never accept help to let you have it good. It's hard to accept that you could possibly be good at anything because you were just there as someone to be transcended. A directional post that leads people to the right place while you stay still eternally, waiting for the next person to come along to see help. What happens when all help is given? You just stay there, I suppose.
And precisely because of this one never does appreciate the fact that other people do exist. Because servants don't always take to their masters, especially when you make everyone around you one. Because you don't rely on anyone; after all, they're all above you. Because you're afraid inside that your humble plead for help will be answered with cold rejection. And so you just close up thinking that you're not fit to be part of the world. Your opinion of everyone starts getting plagued by paranoia and distance purely because you don't see them on the same level as you.
I always had something for writing. But when you try to write to get into CAP, it's hard to get yourself to keep writing. And maybe prose just wasn't such a nice thing to write; life was about observations, indeed, but that was imagination beyond conversation. And sometimes, imagination doesn't really need to go beyond the conversation. The first conversation I wrote sparked off a slight bit of debate, and since then I realized that this form of writing was actually quite interesting and unique.
I knew that if I had been motivated in something, I could do well in it. I knew that if I worked hard towards something, I could eventually get it. I knew that if I had the passion, I could lead the rest towards it. I've heard multiple people say that I was a good leader, but it was something I never believed in. I always wanted to be under someone; even in SJAB I wanted to be Assistant Discipline, Assistant Sec 1 IC, and so on. Under the superior leadership of someone more capable.
Maybe I was just scared of taking responsibility. Scared of screwing up when I'm the one in charge. Scared of failing to live up to the expectations of officers and teachers and friends and family. Scared of being met with solemn silence towards whatever I do, whether I try to make up for my mistakes or whatnot. And eventually my servant mentality kept plaguing me for every single mistake that I made. Maybe everyone faces it; but irregardless a nightmare shared by twenty stays a nightmare until it ends. And sometimes with memory it doesn't.
I never really could take normal compliments the way I took normal complaints; if there was something bad about me it would have been expected because I already knew everything bad about me, but I never really took it the right way whenever I got complimented for something.
And all that's changed, hasn't it? I even have people disliking me because I have it good. Just like someone who might read this has people disliking you because everyone cares about you so much.
People call me selfish people call me lucky people call me nice people call me tense people call me emo people call me childish people call me an asshole and all sorts of other things
but I really am all of that, aren't I? I kind of envy those people who get described by everyone similarly. Yes JX, yes Jarrel, yes alot of you reading this, that's you haha. I used to be nothing; and now I'm pretty much everything.
It all just takes a bit of getting used to, doesn't it?
CR†§‡ : ya see ur impt
CR†§‡ : more than u can imagine
CR†§‡ : unlike me
CR†§‡ : (emo coming up)
CR†§‡ : everyone likes you
CR†§‡ : no one likes me
CR†§‡ : u got more prezzies than me
CR†§‡ : ur prezzies r nicer
CR†§‡ : gals give u stuff
CR†§‡ : while i get ownt
(: : i know you're the "go for it" type
Visionary Sc: ...actually i'm pretty much the opposite
(: : right then u dont know a person well and u wanna go out with her
(: : ?
Visionary Sc: .......cut that you're right >_>
(: : haha YAY!
(: : so childish tsk
わ。る。: on the topic of being able to converse casually
わ。る。: i have to say that the feeling is mutual coz
わ。る。: i've learned the hard way that many dont understand me when i talk normally
わ。る。: they think it's to chim
わ。る。: so i've learnt to talk...
わ。る。: more. ummm
Visionary Sc: simply o_O
わ。る。: straight-forwardly?
わ。る。: YES.
わ。る。: see. that's what i meant
わ。る。: at least you can understand me
わ。る。: and even help me finish the sentence it seems
B1ood: a trend of increasing maturity and emo-ness found in the content of ur blog as the years go by.
Visionary Sc: I think I'm less emo these days actually
B1ood: really
B1ood: i look back on my posts last time
B1ood: and i felt so incredibly ashamed
B1ood: what with girly writing and immature content
B1ood: at least i post crap now which is considerably more mature la
B1ood: even though its crap and all tt yes
Visionary Sc: >_________>
Visionary Sc: I just keep the more random stuff out of my blog lol
B1ood: lol
B1ood: and all GEP students
B1ood: at some point in their life
B1ood: will blog abt the injustice in GEP
Visionary Sc: >_> duh lol
Visionary Sc: she needs to stop calling the stuff I write pro
AoF: diabetes
AoF: lol
Visionary Sc: lol
AoF: but it is
Visionary Sc: who seriously actually thinks so
AoF: me?
Visionary Sc: I dunno lah its just that I keep thinking of mike wee
AoF: her?
AoF: ?!
AoF: how
Visionary Sc: And then I get the idea that whenever I think my writing is good it's damn ego and it really isn't
AoF: dude
AoF: if people tell u it is
AoF: and its not just iike being nice
AoF: then it is
Visionary Sc: >_> yeah, that's not the easiest thing to distinguish is it
AoF: like look at who is telling u la
AoF: shes quite frank right
AoF: same with me
AoF: if i think it sucked i would have told u long ago
J: time to read sth else
J: i swear
J: too much of ur blog and ill turn normal
Visionary Sc: I still completely fail to understand what you get from reading my blog XD
J: read above sentence
Visionary Sc: Haha
Visionary Sc: I think I'll just take it that I'm good at writing =p
J: yeah
J: damned good
Visionary Sc: though honestly
Visionary Sc: I fail to see how reading screwed up stories makes you normal
Visionary Sc: I thought it would have done the exact opposite
J: nah
J: the other
J: way
Visionary Sc: can I just ask something though
Visionary Sc: Why "Smile more" >_>
because that: i don't kno.w
because that: know*
because that: you strike me as being quite...
because that: tense?
because that: i'm not sure if that's the right word though.
because that: oh well.
because that: smiling is good for your health!
because that: and therefore you should smile more k?
Visionary Sc: Am I really that emo
CR†§‡ : -_-'
CR†§‡ : errr
CR†§‡ : during the chalet
CR†§‡ : yea
CR†§‡ : quite
CR†§‡ : normally
CR†§‡ : also quite
CR†§‡ : o_O
Visionary Sc: o_O
CR†§‡ : what kind of answer is that
我爱你, 那么多...: I think you've become nicer lah...!
(8) f r o t : herrick! what's gotten into you?
(8) f r o t : what happened to your "i care not" attitude?
And so much more. Well, Jarrel, I guess this post really does make me a gossip, doesn't it. Sorry to a few of the people here whose conversations were quoted; it is rather annoying that more people than I'd like read this blog, oh well. I have to live with it eh. >_>
Sometimes it's good to just go around completely ignoring the attitudes of people around you. Caring little that people thought of you as a crazy person, an asshole, or even in the words of a now-acquaintance from 2 years back, a 'seriously fucked up person'. Ignoring the fact that everyone hates the stuff you do. Ignoring the fact that apart from a few select individuals, you weren't really appreciated much for anything. Going around thinking that everything just comes and goes, moves on. Strangers, acquaintances, friends, family, relatives, and the like. All just coming and going. I never really felt any attachment at all. I just cursed myself as someone with annoyingly good memory, looking hopelessly at the present and only willing to look back.
Only two years into the future did I realize that I was being such a pathetic cousin. And by then, all she could say was "sorry, but that was what you were like to me all the time". The story of a child who broke his younger brother's kite, only to realize the true extent of the horrendousness of his actions years later. When he tried to talk to the brother, the brother had long forgotten about it. Was he forgiven? Or has the brother merely forgotten his absolute hatred?
It's hard living a life under a servant mentality because you never realize that you have it good, and also because you never accept help to let you have it good. It's hard to accept that you could possibly be good at anything because you were just there as someone to be transcended. A directional post that leads people to the right place while you stay still eternally, waiting for the next person to come along to see help. What happens when all help is given? You just stay there, I suppose.
And precisely because of this one never does appreciate the fact that other people do exist. Because servants don't always take to their masters, especially when you make everyone around you one. Because you don't rely on anyone; after all, they're all above you. Because you're afraid inside that your humble plead for help will be answered with cold rejection. And so you just close up thinking that you're not fit to be part of the world. Your opinion of everyone starts getting plagued by paranoia and distance purely because you don't see them on the same level as you.
I always had something for writing. But when you try to write to get into CAP, it's hard to get yourself to keep writing. And maybe prose just wasn't such a nice thing to write; life was about observations, indeed, but that was imagination beyond conversation. And sometimes, imagination doesn't really need to go beyond the conversation. The first conversation I wrote sparked off a slight bit of debate, and since then I realized that this form of writing was actually quite interesting and unique.
I knew that if I had been motivated in something, I could do well in it. I knew that if I worked hard towards something, I could eventually get it. I knew that if I had the passion, I could lead the rest towards it. I've heard multiple people say that I was a good leader, but it was something I never believed in. I always wanted to be under someone; even in SJAB I wanted to be Assistant Discipline, Assistant Sec 1 IC, and so on. Under the superior leadership of someone more capable.
Maybe I was just scared of taking responsibility. Scared of screwing up when I'm the one in charge. Scared of failing to live up to the expectations of officers and teachers and friends and family. Scared of being met with solemn silence towards whatever I do, whether I try to make up for my mistakes or whatnot. And eventually my servant mentality kept plaguing me for every single mistake that I made. Maybe everyone faces it; but irregardless a nightmare shared by twenty stays a nightmare until it ends. And sometimes with memory it doesn't.
I never really could take normal compliments the way I took normal complaints; if there was something bad about me it would have been expected because I already knew everything bad about me, but I never really took it the right way whenever I got complimented for something.
And all that's changed, hasn't it? I even have people disliking me because I have it good. Just like someone who might read this has people disliking you because everyone cares about you so much.
People call me selfish people call me lucky people call me nice people call me tense people call me emo people call me childish people call me an asshole and all sorts of other things
but I really am all of that, aren't I? I kind of envy those people who get described by everyone similarly. Yes JX, yes Jarrel, yes alot of you reading this, that's you haha. I used to be nothing; and now I'm pretty much everything.
It all just takes a bit of getting used to, doesn't it?
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Relief of Duty
4 years of BB, and multiple blogs here and there talk about it.
4 years of SJAB, and I guess I'll be the only one talking about it. It's ironic that my words won't be reached to almost any member of SJAB save the few seniors and fellow members who read this, considering that they are the people that this would be the most relevant to. In a certain way I'm envious of John B, whose long but well written out reflections get to be on the front page of the ACSISJAB domain. As for me, perhaps I will have two more years to go; or perhaps by then the person writing it will be John Ang or Swaminathan.
At times it is indeed rather depressing that for all the efforts made by the FAC to bring the corps to greater heights, sometimes they forget that they have an entire corps to bring along with them. And when the final ROD speech comes, special thanks go to the FAC people. Perhaps this only happened in 2007 and not 2006 nor 2005 nor 2004 (I apologize but my memory didn't extend so far for things I considered trivial then) but irregardless it isn't too pleasant a feeling.
There are two simple (though I must say very vague) ways of categorizing the good things a person does. It's the tangible benefits, and obviously the opposite, intangible benefits. It's hard to discern between the two at times, but usually the grey area is less important compared to the obvious.
No doubt, obviously, trophies are the hallmark of the former, for they are the pinnacle of competition, the proof of prevailing over the rest. I thank the FAC for doing us so proud by winning all that they have won in the FAC competition, and all the scholars who hard-earned their $100+ donations each from Clementi, Dover and Holland Village, whom without them the top collections for flag day could never be (And probably will not be for a very very long time).
But how far does the balance between the tangible and the intangible go? Most say it would be equal, but how do people go around searching for this balance when only one can be so easily identified? At times this is a hard balance to make, but it is the role of us to make this distinction, and for us to make sure that both are met. I felt it my role to tell Nick that exact point about leading a committee; one cannot go too far in striving purely for one aspect of goodness because everyone aiming for the other will just be left behind. But in the end, I didn't get the chance, did I.
I remember commenting once upon hearing that Ben Lee was to be promoted to Staff Sergeant that I should be a CL if that happens (Perhaps now I feel even more so given how completely undeserving people get double promotions). Swami just told me that the promotion was for everyone, and that the CL rank was to be given to those who really stood out. "Whatever you have done, Herrick, I've probably done alot more."
He was right, he probably did do a lot more. But in my heart I questioned whether he even knew what I had done for the corps in the first place. After National Day Marching, Ezra told me some Sec 1 shouted EZRA at him and he didn't know who the hell did that. I looked up and I saw Joshua, a Sec 1 cadet in Track and Field (Kev says he was in shotput). I knew I was right.
Writing thank you cards to Sec 1 cadets was something I just thought of one day, after the newsletter idea failed (That being my fault too, sadly) And when I did it I suppose it succeeded, because Kevin was asked by Joshua if he was taking MRT back that day.
For all that one does to aim for greater heights for the corps, just as much must be done to understand the corps to the very bottom root - the individual. I knew that when I first picked up the Public Relations post, and I admit I was quite crazy to try and do that singlehandedly. Who knew getting an SJAB T-Shirt printed out for everyone, getting a newsletter to be printed out for everyone, or even remembering everyone's names would have been such a phenomenal task? But Kevin and I think that we've done a good job with the Sec 1s, we're proud of them, we like them, the teachers said that we did a good job leading them, and last of all some of them wanted to know if we would come back next year. It was a heartwarming moment, really.
In my opinion, being a senior wasn't about shouting at cadets and screwing around with them (I have to apologize to Mr. Alvin Tan for my drastically different outlook =) ) It was about linking with cadets, being able to care about the discipline of the cohort as a whole but still capable of caring about the welfare of each and every cadet. I admit I still don't know every single cadet by name (Fourty never was an easy number to deal with, and that excludes the scholars whom I took care of at times too), but still Kevin and I have probably done the best we could have. And this is what we need in the next committee, people who can focus on the corps while the FAC team is busy working hard to bring back pride and glory for the corps. Lionel, Ernest, Andrew Lim, Sayampanathan, Daniel, Chris, Teck Jun, Gary, I hope you guys can do it, because for the most of the first semester I was the only one handling everything while the FAC team was gone.
And maybe then will you guys understand that having a junior leaning on your shoulder and having a junior talk to you about everyday life along the bus ride was as nice a feeling as hearing perfect stamps and precise marching.
4 years of SJAB, and I guess I'll be the only one talking about it. It's ironic that my words won't be reached to almost any member of SJAB save the few seniors and fellow members who read this, considering that they are the people that this would be the most relevant to. In a certain way I'm envious of John B, whose long but well written out reflections get to be on the front page of the ACSISJAB domain. As for me, perhaps I will have two more years to go; or perhaps by then the person writing it will be John Ang or Swaminathan.
At times it is indeed rather depressing that for all the efforts made by the FAC to bring the corps to greater heights, sometimes they forget that they have an entire corps to bring along with them. And when the final ROD speech comes, special thanks go to the FAC people. Perhaps this only happened in 2007 and not 2006 nor 2005 nor 2004 (I apologize but my memory didn't extend so far for things I considered trivial then) but irregardless it isn't too pleasant a feeling.
There are two simple (though I must say very vague) ways of categorizing the good things a person does. It's the tangible benefits, and obviously the opposite, intangible benefits. It's hard to discern between the two at times, but usually the grey area is less important compared to the obvious.
No doubt, obviously, trophies are the hallmark of the former, for they are the pinnacle of competition, the proof of prevailing over the rest. I thank the FAC for doing us so proud by winning all that they have won in the FAC competition, and all the scholars who hard-earned their $100+ donations each from Clementi, Dover and Holland Village, whom without them the top collections for flag day could never be (And probably will not be for a very very long time).
But how far does the balance between the tangible and the intangible go? Most say it would be equal, but how do people go around searching for this balance when only one can be so easily identified? At times this is a hard balance to make, but it is the role of us to make this distinction, and for us to make sure that both are met. I felt it my role to tell Nick that exact point about leading a committee; one cannot go too far in striving purely for one aspect of goodness because everyone aiming for the other will just be left behind. But in the end, I didn't get the chance, did I.
I remember commenting once upon hearing that Ben Lee was to be promoted to Staff Sergeant that I should be a CL if that happens (Perhaps now I feel even more so given how completely undeserving people get double promotions). Swami just told me that the promotion was for everyone, and that the CL rank was to be given to those who really stood out. "Whatever you have done, Herrick, I've probably done alot more."
He was right, he probably did do a lot more. But in my heart I questioned whether he even knew what I had done for the corps in the first place. After National Day Marching, Ezra told me some Sec 1 shouted EZRA at him and he didn't know who the hell did that. I looked up and I saw Joshua, a Sec 1 cadet in Track and Field (Kev says he was in shotput). I knew I was right.
Writing thank you cards to Sec 1 cadets was something I just thought of one day, after the newsletter idea failed (That being my fault too, sadly) And when I did it I suppose it succeeded, because Kevin was asked by Joshua if he was taking MRT back that day.
For all that one does to aim for greater heights for the corps, just as much must be done to understand the corps to the very bottom root - the individual. I knew that when I first picked up the Public Relations post, and I admit I was quite crazy to try and do that singlehandedly. Who knew getting an SJAB T-Shirt printed out for everyone, getting a newsletter to be printed out for everyone, or even remembering everyone's names would have been such a phenomenal task? But Kevin and I think that we've done a good job with the Sec 1s, we're proud of them, we like them, the teachers said that we did a good job leading them, and last of all some of them wanted to know if we would come back next year. It was a heartwarming moment, really.
In my opinion, being a senior wasn't about shouting at cadets and screwing around with them (I have to apologize to Mr. Alvin Tan for my drastically different outlook =) ) It was about linking with cadets, being able to care about the discipline of the cohort as a whole but still capable of caring about the welfare of each and every cadet. I admit I still don't know every single cadet by name (Fourty never was an easy number to deal with, and that excludes the scholars whom I took care of at times too), but still Kevin and I have probably done the best we could have. And this is what we need in the next committee, people who can focus on the corps while the FAC team is busy working hard to bring back pride and glory for the corps. Lionel, Ernest, Andrew Lim, Sayampanathan, Daniel, Chris, Teck Jun, Gary, I hope you guys can do it, because for the most of the first semester I was the only one handling everything while the FAC team was gone.
And maybe then will you guys understand that having a junior leaning on your shoulder and having a junior talk to you about everyday life along the bus ride was as nice a feeling as hearing perfect stamps and precise marching.
Sunday, August 12, 2007
HIMITSU
I LOVE YOU HIMITSU
A testament to how badly I got owned by Darrell Neo. (Haha guilty gear reference Testament lawlz)
The one time that he finally got the better of me.
Darrell Neo, how did you ever pull it off? Finding out that my crush's name was Himitsu.
-----------
On another note, I just finished labelling all the conversations. The previous one made 20 o_O I remember the time Shaun said to keep records of all my written conversations. Well, one year down I finally listen to him. It's nice to read back at times.
A testament to how badly I got owned by Darrell Neo. (Haha guilty gear reference Testament lawlz)
The one time that he finally got the better of me.
Darrell Neo, how did you ever pull it off? Finding out that my crush's name was Himitsu.
-----------
On another note, I just finished labelling all the conversations. The previous one made 20 o_O I remember the time Shaun said to keep records of all my written conversations. Well, one year down I finally listen to him. It's nice to read back at times.
Monday, August 06, 2007
Out The Window
Ida: Innocia, do you ever stare out the window often?
Innocia: Not many people do that, do they, Ida? People find themselves too concerned with the present to want to look at such stuff.
Ida: Oh? I'm not so sure you're entirely accurate when you say that, Innocia. Look at this, Innocia. The darkness of the modern city, the stationary fireflies lined up in the vast blackness. What do you see? What comes to mind?
Innocia: I see the times where I walked down on those streets with my brother, the times last Christmas when I was lost and met an interesting person in return for that. I see the times where I will walk down the street once again, wondering whether or not I will find myself lost again. Amidst all this I see the lone lampposts, and think that the scenery hasn't changed much.
Ida: A beautiful answer, Innocia; one that hardly belittles your age. Might you honor me with your ears with what I see outside the window, then?
Innocia: What is it that you see, then?
Ida: The darkness of the modern city, the stationary fireflies lined up in the vast blackness. I think of what others might be thinking at the same moment I am, staring at the lights against the darkness. I wonder at how many people there will be staring up at the star-scattered sky, thinking the exact same question as I am this moment. I feel the wind and hear its susurruses, and I hear the words of others in the present. I never really cared too much about whether those people staring up at the lone lampposts are going to stare at them tomorrow, but I appreciate their looking up at it today at this moment.
Innocia: I'm afraid I cannot share such similar views to that of yours, Ida.
Ida: Perhaps you are taking for granted what we always have. People have always looked back at the past for the reason that it is gone. People have always looked into the future for the reason that it has yet to come. They say not to take granted the uncertain future and the bygones of the past; yet what have they truly forgotten in this world? It is the fleeting present, Innocia - the moment that comes between both, the transitional period between sentiment and foresight. It is precisely because it is right in front of our eyes that we fail to appreciate its transient nature, Innocia. I apologize for quoting rather than creating, but gather ye rosebuds while ye may.
Innocia: It would be nicer if your quoting was actually relevant. Honestly, though, what is the value of that which you call 'now'? There is no sentimental value, nor is there any potential value in the world of the present. Can you honestly bear any true feeling towards something that disappears so quickly? There is no mark of eternity in the present, Ida, nothing compared to the stone etchings of the past and the tabula rasa of the future.
Ida: The value, Innocia, is in the fact that the past and future are unchanging eternities, whereas the present is the only eternal change. Have you ever wanted to stay somewhere forever? Like someone eternally?
Innocia: There's no such thing, is there?
Ida: There isn't. The only thing there is this seemingly eternal time, Innocia - the illusion that you can be there forever. In that place. With that person. And that's just the beauty of it all - it doesn't last. Engravings of the grandest works go down in the hallmarks of history, but true beauty lies in experience - that which only lies in the present. You are a child, Innocia. One with ideals for the future; one with a short past. Perhaps you just need to grow up a bit more before you realize and understand the beauty of being in the place where you actually are, not having your mind and spirits far away in space and time.
Innocia: Or maybe unlike you I have far more to look forward to than to look at.
Ida: Perhaps so. But the open window can only see, it cannot dictate what it is that you perceive. And whether it be perceived by rationalization or ideals or just the clear window is up to you.
Innocia: Perhaps so.
------------------------------------------------
This took 3 days. I'm losing touch. Or maybe I just haven't written about Innocia in a long time.
Innocia: Not many people do that, do they, Ida? People find themselves too concerned with the present to want to look at such stuff.
Ida: Oh? I'm not so sure you're entirely accurate when you say that, Innocia. Look at this, Innocia. The darkness of the modern city, the stationary fireflies lined up in the vast blackness. What do you see? What comes to mind?
Innocia: I see the times where I walked down on those streets with my brother, the times last Christmas when I was lost and met an interesting person in return for that. I see the times where I will walk down the street once again, wondering whether or not I will find myself lost again. Amidst all this I see the lone lampposts, and think that the scenery hasn't changed much.
Ida: A beautiful answer, Innocia; one that hardly belittles your age. Might you honor me with your ears with what I see outside the window, then?
Innocia: What is it that you see, then?
Ida: The darkness of the modern city, the stationary fireflies lined up in the vast blackness. I think of what others might be thinking at the same moment I am, staring at the lights against the darkness. I wonder at how many people there will be staring up at the star-scattered sky, thinking the exact same question as I am this moment. I feel the wind and hear its susurruses, and I hear the words of others in the present. I never really cared too much about whether those people staring up at the lone lampposts are going to stare at them tomorrow, but I appreciate their looking up at it today at this moment.
Innocia: I'm afraid I cannot share such similar views to that of yours, Ida.
Ida: Perhaps you are taking for granted what we always have. People have always looked back at the past for the reason that it is gone. People have always looked into the future for the reason that it has yet to come. They say not to take granted the uncertain future and the bygones of the past; yet what have they truly forgotten in this world? It is the fleeting present, Innocia - the moment that comes between both, the transitional period between sentiment and foresight. It is precisely because it is right in front of our eyes that we fail to appreciate its transient nature, Innocia. I apologize for quoting rather than creating, but gather ye rosebuds while ye may.
Innocia: It would be nicer if your quoting was actually relevant. Honestly, though, what is the value of that which you call 'now'? There is no sentimental value, nor is there any potential value in the world of the present. Can you honestly bear any true feeling towards something that disappears so quickly? There is no mark of eternity in the present, Ida, nothing compared to the stone etchings of the past and the tabula rasa of the future.
Ida: The value, Innocia, is in the fact that the past and future are unchanging eternities, whereas the present is the only eternal change. Have you ever wanted to stay somewhere forever? Like someone eternally?
Innocia: There's no such thing, is there?
Ida: There isn't. The only thing there is this seemingly eternal time, Innocia - the illusion that you can be there forever. In that place. With that person. And that's just the beauty of it all - it doesn't last. Engravings of the grandest works go down in the hallmarks of history, but true beauty lies in experience - that which only lies in the present. You are a child, Innocia. One with ideals for the future; one with a short past. Perhaps you just need to grow up a bit more before you realize and understand the beauty of being in the place where you actually are, not having your mind and spirits far away in space and time.
Innocia: Or maybe unlike you I have far more to look forward to than to look at.
Ida: Perhaps so. But the open window can only see, it cannot dictate what it is that you perceive. And whether it be perceived by rationalization or ideals or just the clear window is up to you.
Innocia: Perhaps so.
------------------------------------------------
This took 3 days. I'm losing touch. Or maybe I just haven't written about Innocia in a long time.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)