Conversations

Visionary Sc: sian ive been a source of bad stuff happening these days lol
CR†§‡ : ya see ur impt
CR†§‡ : more than u can imagine
CR†§‡ : unlike me
CR†§‡ : (emo coming up)
CR†§‡ : everyone likes you
CR†§‡ : no one likes me
CR†§‡ : u got more prezzies than me
CR†§‡ : ur prezzies r nicer
CR†§‡ : gals give u stuff
CR†§‡ : while i get ownt

(: : i know you're the "go for it" type
Visionary Sc: ...actually i'm pretty much the opposite
(: : right then u dont know a person well and u wanna go out with her
(: : ?
Visionary Sc: .......cut that you're right >_>
(: : haha YAY!
(: : so childish tsk

わ。る。: on the topic of being able to converse casually
わ。る。: i have to say that the feeling is mutual coz
わ。る。: i've learned the hard way that many dont understand me when i talk normally
わ。る。: they think it's to chim
わ。る。: so i've learnt to talk...
わ。る。: more. ummm
Visionary Sc: simply o_O
わ。る。: straight-forwardly?
わ。る。: YES.
わ。る。: see. that's what i meant
わ。る。: at least you can understand me
わ。る。: and even help me finish the sentence it seems

B1ood: a trend of increasing maturity and emo-ness found in the content of ur blog as the years go by.
Visionary Sc: I think I'm less emo these days actually
B1ood: really
B1ood: i look back on my posts last time
B1ood: and i felt so incredibly ashamed
B1ood: what with girly writing and immature content
B1ood: at least i post crap now which is considerably more mature la
B1ood: even though its crap and all tt yes
Visionary Sc: >_________>
Visionary Sc: I just keep the more random stuff out of my blog lol
B1ood: lol
B1ood: and all GEP students
B1ood: at some point in their life
B1ood: will blog abt the injustice in GEP
Visionary Sc: >_> duh lol

Visionary Sc: she needs to stop calling the stuff I write pro
AoF: diabetes
AoF: lol
Visionary Sc: lol
AoF: but it is
Visionary Sc: who seriously actually thinks so
AoF: me?
Visionary Sc: I dunno lah its just that I keep thinking of mike wee
AoF: her?
AoF: ?!
AoF: how
Visionary Sc: And then I get the idea that whenever I think my writing is good it's damn ego and it really isn't
AoF: dude
AoF: if people tell u it is
AoF: and its not just iike being nice
AoF: then it is
Visionary Sc: >_> yeah, that's not the easiest thing to distinguish is it
AoF: like look at who is telling u la
AoF: shes quite frank right
AoF: same with me
AoF: if i think it sucked i would have told u long ago

J: time to read sth else
J: i swear
J: too much of ur blog and ill turn normal
Visionary Sc: I still completely fail to understand what you get from reading my blog XD
J: read above sentence
Visionary Sc: Haha
Visionary Sc: I think I'll just take it that I'm good at writing =p
J: yeah
J: damned good
Visionary Sc: though honestly
Visionary Sc: I fail to see how reading screwed up stories makes you normal
Visionary Sc: I thought it would have done the exact opposite
J: nah
J: the other
J: way

Visionary Sc: can I just ask something though
Visionary Sc: Why "Smile more" >_>
because that: i don't kno.w
because that: know*
because that: you strike me as being quite...
because that: tense?
because that: i'm not sure if that's the right word though.
because that: oh well.
because that: smiling is good for your health!
because that: and therefore you should smile more k?

Visionary Sc: Am I really that emo
CR†§‡ : -_-'
CR†§‡ : errr
CR†§‡ : during the chalet
CR†§‡ : yea
CR†§‡ : quite
CR†§‡ : normally
CR†§‡ : also quite
CR†§‡ : o_O
Visionary Sc: o_O
CR†§‡ : what kind of answer is that

我爱你, 那么多...: I think you've become nicer lah...!

(8) f r o t : herrick! what's gotten into you?
(8) f r o t : what happened to your "i care not" attitude?

And so much more. Well, Jarrel, I guess this post really does make me a gossip, doesn't it. Sorry to a few of the people here whose conversations were quoted; it is rather annoying that more people than I'd like read this blog, oh well. I have to live with it eh. >_>

Sometimes it's good to just go around completely ignoring the attitudes of people around you. Caring little that people thought of you as a crazy person, an asshole, or even in the words of a now-acquaintance from 2 years back, a 'seriously fucked up person'. Ignoring the fact that everyone hates the stuff you do. Ignoring the fact that apart from a few select individuals, you weren't really appreciated much for anything. Going around thinking that everything just comes and goes, moves on. Strangers, acquaintances, friends, family, relatives, and the like. All just coming and going. I never really felt any attachment at all. I just cursed myself as someone with annoyingly good memory, looking hopelessly at the present and only willing to look back.

Only two years into the future did I realize that I was being such a pathetic cousin. And by then, all she could say was "sorry, but that was what you were like to me all the time". The story of a child who broke his younger brother's kite, only to realize the true extent of the horrendousness of his actions years later. When he tried to talk to the brother, the brother had long forgotten about it. Was he forgiven? Or has the brother merely forgotten his absolute hatred?

It's hard living a life under a servant mentality because you never realize that you have it good, and also because you never accept help to let you have it good. It's hard to accept that you could possibly be good at anything because you were just there as someone to be transcended. A directional post that leads people to the right place while you stay still eternally, waiting for the next person to come along to see help. What happens when all help is given? You just stay there, I suppose.

And precisely because of this one never does appreciate the fact that other people do exist. Because servants don't always take to their masters, especially when you make everyone around you one. Because you don't rely on anyone; after all, they're all above you. Because you're afraid inside that your humble plead for help will be answered with cold rejection. And so you just close up thinking that you're not fit to be part of the world. Your opinion of everyone starts getting plagued by paranoia and distance purely because you don't see them on the same level as you.

I always had something for writing. But when you try to write to get into CAP, it's hard to get yourself to keep writing. And maybe prose just wasn't such a nice thing to write; life was about observations, indeed, but that was imagination beyond conversation. And sometimes, imagination doesn't really need to go beyond the conversation. The first conversation I wrote sparked off a slight bit of debate, and since then I realized that this form of writing was actually quite interesting and unique.

I knew that if I had been motivated in something, I could do well in it. I knew that if I worked hard towards something, I could eventually get it. I knew that if I had the passion, I could lead the rest towards it. I've heard multiple people say that I was a good leader, but it was something I never believed in. I always wanted to be under someone; even in SJAB I wanted to be Assistant Discipline, Assistant Sec 1 IC, and so on. Under the superior leadership of someone more capable.

Maybe I was just scared of taking responsibility. Scared of screwing up when I'm the one in charge. Scared of failing to live up to the expectations of officers and teachers and friends and family. Scared of being met with solemn silence towards whatever I do, whether I try to make up for my mistakes or whatnot. And eventually my servant mentality kept plaguing me for every single mistake that I made. Maybe everyone faces it; but irregardless a nightmare shared by twenty stays a nightmare until it ends. And sometimes with memory it doesn't.

I never really could take normal compliments the way I took normal complaints; if there was something bad about me it would have been expected because I already knew everything bad about me, but I never really took it the right way whenever I got complimented for something.

And all that's changed, hasn't it? I even have people disliking me because I have it good. Just like someone who might read this has people disliking you because everyone cares about you so much.

People call me selfish people call me lucky people call me nice people call me tense people call me emo people call me childish people call me an asshole and all sorts of other things

but I really am all of that, aren't I? I kind of envy those people who get described by everyone similarly. Yes JX, yes Jarrel, yes alot of you reading this, that's you haha. I used to be nothing; and now I'm pretty much everything.

It all just takes a bit of getting used to, doesn't it?