Showmanship

I've somehow become increasingly aware that the kind of life I'm leading is becoming more and more diverse. Should I be the jester? The singer? The speaker? The scholar? The writer? The silent philosopher? The advocate and rebel? The disciplined kendoka? What about the otaku? The gamer? The social change?

Thankfully that's all the major identities I can take, save the kendoka. I'm still a very far way from having that integrated into my identity, for somewhat good reasons. But still, probably more than a number of people out there.

I know some people who were surprised by my other identities, just by virtue of the fact that I don't show it. I suppose to some people I really am just a mugger, but I'd still like to think there's at least some better identity for me than that.

In some sense, yesterday I gained some insight into myself. Yes, quite the rarity I admit. But I've understood what has really linked together the majority of my identities, the extremities in my emotions, and the extent of my actions together. And somehow, I've a teacher's casual remark to thank for that.

It was showmanship.

I remember someone standing up and clapping. I remember someone's comments about it being very good. I remember the applause for a Language Arts presentation. I remember the eyes seeing my way. I remember someone reminding me (and in doing so telling me not to take it for granted. The irony, huh?) that people didn't sleep in this. I remember someone's prayer for me. I remember someone's comment (a true one, at that) about how it was all so emo. I remember someone's comment that I was a good speaker.

And I don't think that's the thing. It's not someone being a good 'speaker' or not. It's about belief. In the panel discussions at Syinconnect 08', I was rather awed by one very interesting thing - the panel discussionists were all very amazing people, and I wanted to listen to the words of every single one of them. I don't deny it - some of them were bad speakers - but it was their ideas that shone through and true, that really made me want to listen, that made me believe.

The crowd applauded them all - for their beliefs, not their skill. Skill is something everyone can develop given the time. That's what someone said to me when I commented that the skill of speaking well was a talent. And it's true - but what is skill without belief? At the very fundamental level of a person's capability is his belief as to whether he can do well or not. And really, you can say that belief and confidence is something that can be developed in people as well, but who starts the process? I can't say for certain that this is universal. I would like to think it is, but psychological proof isn't really easy to provide.

But what's the link with showmanship?

There are some people who will compromise relationships, perceptions, impressions, and the like to send a message. Why do so? Simply because they believe in the message. They believe in their actions. They believe in their ideals. And even now I believe in mine. I can't say why. It's a weird feeling to be teased by others about something, yet hope that it's true, yet know that it very likely isn't so.

But who cares?

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It must be borne in mind that the tragedy of life doesn't lie in not reaching your goal.
The tragedy lies in having no goal to reach.

It is not a calamity to die with dreams unfulfilled.
But it is a calamity not to dream.

It is not a disaster to be unable to capture your ideal,
But it is a disaster to no ideal to capture.

It is not a disgrace not to reach the stars.
But it is a disgrace not to have stars to reach for.

Not failure, but low aim is a sin.
Dr Benjamin Elijah Mays
1894-1984

(Quote Courtesy of JX)

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Dreams need to exist. Belief needs to exist in order for dreams to exist. And you need to believe in order for belief to be present.