"Do you ever get the feeling you're just a small nail on this Earth?"
She continued, "I have, and I'll never forget it."
Haruhi stood by the railway tracks, sorry, the railway path, and began to talk.
"When I was in sixth grade, I went with my family to see a baseball game. I wasn't really interested in baseball, yet when I went there, I was given a shock, since everywhere I looked there were people all around. The people at the opposite of the stadium were as small as a grain of rice, in constant motion. I had thought the whole nation had gathered upon this spot then. So I asked my dad how many people were at the stadium. My dad said as it was full that day, maybe around fifty thousand?
"After the game, the roads were packed with people. Seeing all this, I was stunned. There were so many people here, yet they were only a tiny fraction of the whole nation. I read in geography class that Japan had a population of a hundred million, so I went home and did some math using a calculator, and I found out that fifty thousand was only one out of two thousand of the total population. At that time, I was stunned again. I was only a small part of so many people in the stadium, and this many people were merely one out of two thousand of the whole nation.
"Before that, I had always felt myself to be special. I was happy with my family, and I felt I was with the world's most interesting people in my class. Yet from that time on, I realized things weren't like that. The experiences I had in school that I thought were the happiest things in the world, turned out to exist in every school. For the whole nation, this was nothing special. When I discovered that, the whole world around me lost its color. I brush my teeth and go to sleep, then wake up and have breakfast. You see these things everywhere.
"I found it extremely boring when I realized all these things are all part of a person's ordinary life. I believe that since there're so many people in this world, there has to be someone who's living an extraordinary, exciting life. But why isn't that person me?
"Before I graduated from elementary school, I thought all about it. So when I entered junior high, I decided to change myself. I wanted to let the world know, I'm not a girl who will only sit and wait. I believe I've tried my best, but everything's the same as it's always been. And now I'm in high school, still hoping for something to change."
When she finished she gave an expression of regretting ever saying all that, and looked at the sky in anguish.
Haruhi said this without pause, as though giving a speech in a debate. When she finished she gave an expression of regretting ever saying all that, and looked at the sky in anguish. A train passed rapidly by us. Thanks to all the rumbling noise, I had time to consider if I should continue asking or whether I should find something philosophical to please Haruhi.
- Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuuutsu, Chapter 6 (Baka-Tsuki fan translation)
------------------------------------------------
I've always thought myself that 2.12 was a great class. Being in it was wonderful, one-of-a-kind, the best class around. I once thought that nothing was like 2.12 '05. But during my searching up on Ferd Quek's CSS musical, I came across many ACSian blogs as well. And when I read them, I lost a bit of my happiness everytime I saw someone praising their class, saying how wonderful it was.
It somehow just pains me to know that 2.12 '05 was as great as 2.12 '04 was as great as 2.12 '03 was as great as 3.09 '05 was as great as 3.09 '04 was as great as 3.09 '03 was as great as 3.10 '05 was as great as 3.10 '04 was as great as 3.10 '03. My heart couldn't take it.
I had once taken prestige in being vice-chairman. I had once taken prestige in being chairman. I knew that life would be different as vice-chair, as chairman, and so on. I didn't mind returning the key every single day. It gave me responsibility. It gave me a sense of belonging. It gave me participation. It gave me self.
The very same self that every other chairman and class monitor of other schools have similarly had.
"To be forgotten is worse than death." Freya Crescent
It is scary. It is scary to know that whatever you had done was not in vain. It is scary to know that whatever you had done was successful. It is scary to know that whatever whatever you had done has paid off and was not meaningless.
But it is more scary to know that everyone had done it, and you're just continuing on in the circle of life, and not breaking out of societal norms. After all attempts to break out of the norm, I have done so, and in doing so entered another norm, just as significant as this. And I could work even harder than I did to break out of it, and enter yet another norm. And again. And again.
And the worst part is that I cannot say that this was in vain because I have done so and gone through it successfully. Because I have went and broke out of a norm. Because I have went and changed myself. Because in all terms of the word I have been successful.
Until I compare myself with others.
Past all attempts to become a unique being, I managed to become a unique being.
Just like you.
Just like him.
Just like her.
Just like everyone else on the planet.
Unique.
It's a wonderful thing, isn't it? To sail around the world in the name of exploration, and finally after months of sailing with no land in sight finally get a sight upon an unknown new land. It's completely wonderful, that feeling. Until you walk further into it and set your sights on a town. And suddenly it feels reminiscent. And you go into thaqt town, and everything seems familiar. All too familiar. Then your wife runs up to you in tears and cries "Welcome back."
Wonderful, isn't it? To sail in exploration, to reach out to far lands, to see a land that none have, to break out of what you were in. And through it all, your greatest reward were the words "Welcome back". Wonderful gift, isn't it?
I always thought I was one who had an effect on life. This obviously is not so as I have suddenly quartered in my blog visitors (Which is truly quite curious) >_> Nonetheless, I end up feeling now like an absolute vain being on the planet. Zomg emo? No. Zomg revelation.
I used to think that I was one who was important. I used to think that what I did was significant. I lost a bit of myself each time I heard someone else who thought the same way. Then I read that segment of Chapter 6, and damn, I can't help but agree. =
Sure there's gonna be those who cry endlessly about how I've touched their lives and all, but I cannot just satisfy myself with being a tear of passion in an ocean of apathy.
This may be angst, this may be emo. But this is probably just me being set back slightly. After all, I just have to work harder. Break further into newer norms. Smaller norms. Until I create a norm of my own. Till then, I can just work hard, knowing that I'm not some omnipotent-yet-unintelligent god who attempts to destroy the world over being on the losing side of a baseball game. >_>
No comments:
Post a Comment