Post-Exam

The exams are finally over, despite being a gigantic joke overall. I mean, A Maths...

Post-exam two years ago, I talked about how I believe I fared. I talked about the movies we watched after the exams ended. I talked about how boring life was without a proper cause in life. I talked about a bunch of people.

Post-exam one year ago, I talked about class spirit. I had a few particularly interesting conversations with Zhang and Sheu Zhi.

I seriously do find certain segments rather interesting.

"SZ: Where does your happiness come from?
Me: Me, huh. My happiness, I suppose, comes from the fact that I could be alone, and I can have faith that someone out there is still thinking of me.
Me: That something has been done due to me. That people can remember me due to me being me.
Me: No matter where I am, I can always know that I still have friends I can trust in. Friends I can have conflicts with yet never go beyond the point of no return. Friends that will be friends when I need friends.
SZ: omg sophisticated >_<""" lol, hmm.
Me: Haha. That's me, all right."

In all honesty, I really was rather idealistic (Despite my argument with Zhang. As Mel said in the comments, I really was far more of a hypocrite than I thought I was at that time.) and rather... well, incapable of understanding certain stuff. I remember Hsieh Wen saying some time ago that people considered me to be a joker because I was essentially not doing anything with whatever I knew to change people's perceptions of me. In retrospect, I probably didn't have this 'whatever I knew' thingy in the first place. Or maybe I do, just that I've forgotten about it.

My past, though, is largely idealistic (Very well exemplified by certain memories) and in all honesty, semiempty idealism. Why empty? Because it's vain. Why semi? Because it wasn't completely so.

This year, however, has not left a particularly good aftertaste, in my opinion. I, admittedly, started out the year with the idealism I bore as class chairman, capable of bringing a whole new class together just as was done in 2.12 by Kev.

But idealism is idealism. And when you don't feel the true sacrifices, you don't get the true payoffs. For all of Klow's stress induced through being class chair, he managed to divert it somewhat, and still somehow link the class through, honestly, one of the most ingenious (sp?) ideas I've seen. Somehow, TNN just worked. Maybe this is pure delusions on my part, but it just somehow got this class together.

Zhang said that maybe he was just continuing a job half done by 1.12. Maybe the smaller class contributed to a warmer environment. Maybe it was all just fate, and I couldn't be blamed for failing where Klow had succeeded. Maybe being forced to create class T-shirts (I didn't really take Zhang at his word, but well, given Azmi >_>) was ultimately still more effective than going in with pure idealism and trying to inspire others who didn't exactly bear the same idealism you had.

Or maybe I just failed to do what others have done, and lone idealism isn't enough to transform a group. I need to be more, and that 'more' just happens to be out of my reach. Perhaps it's an inferiority complex, but I never considered myself to be on the same level as Klow, despite never trying. Perhaps I'm just trying to desparately console myself for completely failing to do anything worth doing, and trying desparately to make up for it in one single week. Or perhaps, I'm not as cut out for this job as some people thought I was.

But then again, if not me, then whom?

"There are no 'if's. There is only the assumption of 'what if', and the wish that 'if only it had turned out different then'. There is no absolute truth that supports this. There is no preparation to accept what is there, only tightfisted sentiment and bitter illusions. That's something that elementary school brats know very well of. It's just, even if they say they understand it, they can't possibly understand things that they haven't done nor experienced. Ah... I get the feeling that this is all useless. The harsh reality."

-- Rentarou, Futakoi Alternative (AnY Fansub)