Sunday, June 15, 2008

IVPSSC Reflections

"If it's not from the heart, it's not worth doing..."

I still don't know if I approached this with a heart. I won't deny it, I do it for more than the rest. But whatever it is that they have seen in me that they didn't in others isn't a heart. I just can't think of what it is.

It's... a kind of pride, really. I can't put it at anything apart from that.

Do people really serve because they have a heart? 'course, on my end, I'm too pessimistic and lacking in faith for humanity as a whole to believe that people serve from the heart.

When I finally put a finger on what exactly it was that I had, I suddenly got more questions than answers.

It's a kind of pride, but it's also something different. It's the belief that what action I take matters. That what I do isn't a completely vain thing, that it matters to someone, even if it is myself. That there is conviction that exists outside of the world of academia, conviction that matters.

Perhaps this is the 'heart' that people speak of - a belief that it matters. Perhaps it's always been like that - would anyone take the extra step if he felt it vain? Not a heart that wishes for world peace, nor a heart that believes it must do good, but just a heart that feels that it matters.

I had felt rather confused that time when my camp president remarked that he felt that my team was a strong one, that he knew that in the committee from last year that I was capable of doing very well. The way I saw it then I questioned myself whether he was serious or just flattering me to be diplomatic and to make me feel happy and work better with him (I have to admit such things make my day if they came with the frequency of no more than once a month >_>)

I've always felt cynical towards compliments, yet rarely towards complaints ('cept few stupid cases, but I shan't name names). Maybe it's merely insecurity. Maybe it's in reality a highly complicated subconscious mechanism to prevent complacency. But even then, my belief still stands.

Is this 'heart'? Something so simple and pure, as if reduced to its barest essence, instead of anything complicated. If something is done without this, does it make the action not worth doing? This from a thing that can be mistaken as pride?

Why pride in the first place? It shouldn't even be considered arrogance that you consider the notion that your actions matter, hence you perform them in the first place. It's a necessity, a foundation before any self-improvement is in order. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, and someone who does not believe in himself will never take the first step.

Remind me to avoid English translations of Chinese proverbs in the future.

With this belief I get proven wrong infinite times on the notion that conviction is sufficient to topple those gifted with intelligence. It pretty much never will, sadly. Yet people still continue, don't they. By this point you can easily name whatever force it is that keeps pushing you up and continuing to be pride and heart at the same time. Yet any guy who isn't half an ass would realize the fundamental difference between the two.

I dunno. But anyone who ever said I did things with a heart I'd consider pretty wrong. Anyone who ever said I did things for my own pride I'd have considered pretty right. Yet I won't be able to argue that the two are different, let along mutually exclusive.

It's a queer night to be pondering over such a thought. That much I can be honest with.

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