Friday, December 25, 2009

Christmas

Christmas celebrations are finally over for me.

It's been a rather busy week, with shopping, arcading, and visiting here and there, hence the lack of blogging. It's turning into a bad habit, but perhaps an inevitable one.

Earlier on, around the 20th, I was thinking that the return of my cousins to Singapore was something extremely important and my complete ambivalence towards it was terribly inappropriate. Today I realize thankfully that it is not a bad thing - ambivalence at times comes as a result of being used to a situation, as opposed to a state of I-could-care-less-if-it-doesn't-occur.

Christmas this year, however, ends up a time of transition for me: in religion, in life, in friends, in self. After Christmas celebrations, though, I now need to add another one to the list: in bartending. Apparently it is a role I play a bit too well, enough such that an uncle actually said that it would be ok if I skipped university and decided to be a full-time bartender. My thoughts on this in the future, perhaps. It is annoying enough to have to think of another set of drinks for the new year.

I spend the minutes into Christmas staring at the stars in the sky, listening to slow almost-melancholic instrumentals with my cousin. It feels almost like yesterday that she and I lied down on the grass and just talked about life, love, the future and the past. Two years collapse almost simultaneously for that short moment. I am extremely grateful for a cousin like that, for they come rarer than rubies. Perhaps I could say that I am truly close with no one else, but that's a rash statement and I'd not jump there just yet.

At this time my mind drifts back to the past, to her, to the lessons I've learnt and managed to carve out almost melodically in an analogy still silent to others. A time of life that I have already reconciled with; a past I have come to terms with and a self I have come to accept as truly 'me' without any regret.

The rest of this day I shall spend with friends; some new, some old, all precious. Not rarer than rubies, admittedly, but very much as valuable.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Resident Tourists

A smaller number of friends would know that I am quite a fan of drearyweary and their completed webcomic series, especially The Resident Tourist. I should spend a short bit of time talking about them.

The background's apparent enough if you look at their Stories page, but what I really found interesting was that it reflects a quickly developing identity that Singaporeans bear, yet is rarely reflected in Singaporean culture precisely because it is rarely found in Singaporean culture. Mr. Kiasu, Chew On It and the old Student Sketchpad (queer I should call it old since it's the most recent) reflect the more common identities of Singaporeans - the Kiasu/Kiasi/etc, the rather local traditional family, and the muggers of the Singaporean Education System.

The Resident Tourist, instead, deals with the ever-increasing Singaporean diaspora. An identity rarely explored in Singaporean comics because of a more serious treatment required when dealing with this, and also because it is technically less prevalent within Singapore itself (I mean, they would rarely be in Singapore, would they ._.)

And it's interesting because it's something rarely explored in a graphical medium, perhaps something just rarely explored at all. Interesting because it's highly personal yet very close to the hearts of readers outside of Singapore. There's a form of connectedness here that one appreciates.

I think speaking too much on this ends up making this feel very much like a literary review when it shouldn't be - I find that somewhat of a disgrace to works that were made to be appreciated rather than analyzed. But please, do read it. It is honestly a beautiful series.

Monday, December 07, 2009

Trust and Knowledge

An acquaintance commented to me once that there was some kind of trust lacking between another friend and I. She and I seemed to take an entirely different stance to this idea of trust.

The acquaintance said that trust was the idea of sharing, just sharing between two parties and belief in the other party to accept and take in whatever you say. I end up on the opposite spectrum compared to her in that I never talk about myself to others without absolute necessity. Along her line of logic, I would conclude that I trust people purely out of complete necessity and that I pretty much don't trust anyone at all.

I wonder something at this point. Does trust necessitate knowledge of a person? I would prefer a division between the two.

The overused statement "Why can't you tell me this? Don't you trust me?" serves as a very telling sign of the seemingly strong link between trust and knowledge of another person - the lack of one suggests the lack of the other. After all, talking to someone about issues personal to yourself is generally a strong sign of trust in the other - to view it objectively, you just gave information which can be used to blackmail yourself in the future, or used to betray and play on your emotions. That you give another the chance to do so has the implicit meaning that you believe he or she would not do this.

Going the other way round, if you don't share anything personal about yourself to others, it gives the impression that you're walling yourself from others and dare not entertain the thought of emotional betrayal. You do not trust the other party, simply put. It's a simple and clear link between the two. Surely, therefore, someone like me who shares so little with others could not possibly trust any of his friends!

Yet, by this exact same line of logic, you trust the people who stalk your facebook account. You trust the strangers who read your blog. You trust the readers of your articles.

You cannot say it is an involuntary giving of information - it is public domain and you should be perfectly aware of that (in fact, it's usually one of the more important reasons as to why you start a blog or write an article) You cannot say that it is an unintended audience - they are on your friendslist on facebook, and they are part of your readership on a blog or a newspaper. And obviously you would not say that you trust every man who stalks your facebook account, reads your blog and your articles. Therefore, knowledge isn't exactly a sufficient condition for trust.

Furthermore, the first definition of 'trust' on google (ultimate pandering to authority meh) goes as such: "have confidence or faith in", stating confidence or faith in another as a prerequisite for trust.

Why do you have confidence in someone? Because you know from previous experience that he or she will do something and do it in a particular way. This can be based off anything - past occurrences, personality, competence, but it is essentially an extrapolation of past experiences and basing that to give a particular conclusion about someone that you can trust. Knowledge is certainly important in this aspect.

Why do you have faith in someone, then? Because you do not have any logical reasoning to support your opinion that he or she will do something and do it in a particular way. The face of certainty without reasoning is one of faith, and is present in the absence of knowledge of the other party.

A simple conclusion then goes - knowledge of another person is neither a sufficient condition for trust, nor a necessary condition for trust. As commonly used a benchmark it is, it isn't the only one around.

All this said, then, begs a question: Why don't you tell other people about yourself, then? If you have reason to withold your personal life from another, is it not a sign of distrust? After all, I never did shoot down the argument that hiding stuff from another person was a sign of distrust. And indeed, that was the question asked to me in my conversation. The answer I gave was short, and perhaps needs elaboration. It was "because I didn't see the need to".

In my prior arguments I might give the impression that telling personal stuff to someone isn't a sign of trust. I don't stand by that and I do believe it is a sign of trust, but for other reasons. Talking about oneself tends to be an act of relief, a removal of a burden or an emotional cleansing. That you trust another person not to add another burden to you is the sign of trust between you and him, not the fact that you entrust him with personal worries and burdens.

It goes, then, that if I have no particular need to relieve myself of any emotional burdens I have (simply because I am not so burdened by them in the first place), there is no actual reason why I would talk to others about myself. They are - to put it rather bluntly - irrelevant to my worries, and asking them to listen to me at times adds a burden on them without actually making myself feel better at all. Rather illogical situation, wouldn't you say?

Furthermore, I do not believe that my keeping things to myself has caused others to distrust me as a result. I have good friends who say that they don't know me very much at all, and I believe with certainty that they trust me all the same. Likewise, I trust them regardless of how much they tell me about their own lives. It is a form of trust that borders more on faith than confidence, but I am perfectly fine with it. Does telling them about myself improve my relationship with them? Perhaps - they know a different side of me, they might think differently about me. But I'm still me to them; I'm not another person altogether and they won't trust me more or trust me less if I told other people about myself. It's a rather unnecessary action that I don't see any need to fulfill on my own.

I have some friends whom I share personal stuff with. I trust them.
I have friends whom I don't share personal stuff with. I trust them all the same.

And hopefully, the opposite is just as true.

Friday, November 27, 2009

MFA Talk

I shan't be talking about prom because well, there's not much that needs to be said when everyone's talked about it already. Instead I'll talk about something else that same day. It begins with a long walk from Gleneagles Hospital, past the golf courses and alongside the private estates, and ends at the Ministry of Foreign Affairs building. One bugger walk just for an 'informal interview' for an internship. And really, the informal interview was more of some guys trying to talk a lot and acting like geniuses.

The first impression you get of MFA if you walk in is really a place that reeks of higher-up-ism and a sense of condescension. Walking between private estates and a golf course just to get to a place doesn't really give the 'homely and welcoming' feel, and the completely marble interior doesn't help much in this regard.

Enter the first building on the right through the glass doors and you end up in a lobby that might as well have been a hotel. Look to the right when you enter and you see two couches with students chatting. Unsurprisingly, half are Rafflesians. In fact, I'm the only non-rafflesian male there, 1 out of 4. Figures, huh? As if I didn't need to be alienated even more than this, everyone around was talking about the A-Levels. Physics MCQ was the day after, though the person who had the paper wasn't studying for it (a queer Rafflesian right there. Oh, the stereotypes!)

We moved into the meeting room where we were supposed to have the informal interview (More of a discussion, to be precise) and sat down - 4 guys on one side, 4 girls on the other. The 3 guys to my left talk about RJ stuff and class stuff (all 3 were classmates) and the girls opposite talked about exams, then scholarships, and other internship interviews (EDB mainly). Then they talked a bit about anime and scholarships in Japan (the Monbusho one, actually. How convenient to have learnt about it, and from an anime blog of all places!) About half speak a 3rd language - two French, two Jap (me included). The rest unsure. I guess MFA's a good place to find trilingual people or something.

The discussion itself ended up centred on three things: Bureaucracy, Singapore-ASEAN Relations, and Singapore-US Relations (pertaining to global warming). To some extent it was a rather boring discussion except for a few notes:

1. Everyone thinks with the mindset of a student. To someone no longer in school like me, it's amazingly obvious how rigid they try to set their frameworks of thought. "As a History student I..." "As an Econs student I..." "I'm only J1 so I haven't learnt about..." "I'm not a History nor an Econs student but I..." Man. The first thing that one of them thought about when economic integration within ASEAN was mentioned was the problems with a single currency, and cited Eurozone. It's as if there was some innate need to prove that you recall what you learnt in school or something. Pretty disturbing.

The person got shot down immediately on the single currency thing, but it felt kind of "Do I get plus points for this" and "let's make the obvious sound cheem" when the guy shot her down. It's like telling someone that heat can't flow from a cold to a hot place spontaneously because the probability of transferring heat energy from a particle that isn't vibrating much to a madinsaneparticlevibratingmadlylikethisssss is far lower than vice versa. Whether you're correct or not you should've just said that it bloody goes against the 2nd law of thermodynamics. >_>

2. They talk about bureaucracy in a very neutral (sometimes positive) manner. It jars very much against what I recalled at Syinconnect with the WTO (that's Toilet, not Trade) feller complaining about how people can be so smart and turn so stupid the moment they enter the bureaucracy. I find myself aligning more towards the latter here, but then again I suppose I'm not the kind of person to find myself in this anyway. The guy who was saying he was fine with it and wants to be the kind of person who could make changes in the bureaucracy upon entering it and know the right decisions to make on the spot reeked of arrogance and pride to me. Maybe it's to do with pedigree. I'd never know.

3. There was so much 'cooperation' and sucking up to each other amongst friends it almost felt wrong to me. Saying you learnt a lot especially from listening to your friend (while conveniently forgetting the other 6 people in the discussion) is pretty blatant in my opinion. I can't ever picture myself doing this even if I had close friends at any interview. Shit needs to get shot down, and it needs to get shot down whether the shit spewer is a friend of yours or not. Shit don't discern between friend or foe, yo.

4. There was some queer idealization and oversight going on. Talking about Singapore being so awesome and being capable of being a voice and leader on global warming in the ASEAN region so as to prove its significance in the world, yet in the same breath mentioning that Singapore shouldn't do anything about its carbon emissions since it's such a small country and doesn't contribute much to global warming, and should care about its national interests more? And after that you explicitly state that there's nothing wrong with this 'apparant' hypocrisy because other world leaders on global warming (USA and China) don't do much about their carbon emissions either? And if that wasn't bad enough, to continue talking about how 'enlightened' nations will see Singapore as a leader in promoting change in regards to global warming rather than accuse it of superficial things like, I dunno, not being an NX-1 nation due to national interests? I swear the entire thing felt like a bad attempt to suckup to the US. The convenient excuse for completely ignoring ASEAN in this entire thing? "The topic was about Singapore-US relations, and Singapore-ASEAN was just now". (Ok, to be fair he didn't say that ad verbatim.)

When the interview's over and we were making our way towards the bus stop, I hear one of the girls on the phone saying that the interview didn't go too well because "there was a guy dominating the entire discussion" and then after that mentioning that she disagreed with so much of his points but couldn't think of a way to rebutt properly. Then she talked with another girl about applying for the interview experience so you know how to do things correctly (a nice way of saying "know how to dominate the conversation when it counts"). Everything's about the portfolio to the two of them, apparently.

When I think about it, the discussion felt pretty damn bureaucratic and sickening to me. It taught me more about the mindsets of better-off students than it did about MFA and foreign policy. Well, at least I went for it, I guess.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Dneo says:
!
holy shit
i got cute shota cousin with cute flabby fats <3
yeaman (Y)

XM - Lvl 9001 Couch Potato says:
what the fuck

Dneo says:
no really
it's quite nice his belly fats

XM - Lvl 9001 Couch Potato says:
I APOLOGIZE
MY FETISHES DO NOT GO THAT FAR

Dneo says:
AHAHA
okay okay back to letter writing
brb

XM - Lvl 9001 Couch Potato says:
wait
you do realize all of us are staring at this conversation right

Dneo says:
hrmm?
i know
duh

XM - Lvl 9001 Couch Potato says:
ok

Dneo says:
all 4 of you (and possibly more)
it's okay my reputation is already gone... =(

XM - Lvl 9001 Couch Potato says:
just wondering coz that was technically revealing your gaypaedo tendencies

Dneo says:
for this group of friends though
nah that one, i only like the fats, nothing much else
so not much gay or pedo
moe fats!
oh shit
o god no

XM - Lvl 9001 Couch Potato says:
you have disturbing fetishes

I AM GOING TO QUOTE THIS
Dneo says:
okay nvm
.....
brb

---------------------------------------------

yeah that was me at XM's house

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

REST

Resttttttttttttt.

After going out pretty much everyday it's a good feeling to have.

It's pretty weird to want to talk about IB one week since it's ended, so I shan't LOL

Ok. >_>

So far on the list of stuff to do, Jubeat's nearly done (975k Ave, target 980k)
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand nothing else.
Well, that and DJMax Technika's Heartbeat Course pass. Now to add Blythe in.

This is going to take a while.

Monday, November 02, 2009

A day before

It is now exactly a day before the final exams of my Pre-Tertiary life, and more importantly the final exam of my ACSian Life.

It feels rather queer that I feel so very ambivalent about the entire exams. I know a number who feel similarly, what with the "Oh, it's just another prelims" feeling and all, but in the end I think it's not a very natural feeling to have on the day before the exams that could probably make a difference in the universities that off you a place (Ignoring other factors that could lead to you not going into said university - money and the like)

These days I've had a lot to think about, I guess. Perhaps it contributed to my not caring too much about the exams - too much other things to care about. Relationships, the future, love, life, and the like. Personal debts to pay to people (more than I'd give credit for, I bet) and debts to claim from people (admittedly very few). Thoughts to think, thoughts to write, thoughts to ponder upon for days and savour every last message and implication of each and every idea.

I must say that the past few days were worth it, even if not too much mugging was done.

-------------------------------------

So many thoughts yet I cannot place a single one on this blog. What a pity.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Mugggg

HAI MINASAN MO BENKYOU SHITE ITE NE~

WATASHI WA GANBARU KARA MINNA MO GANBARANAITO IKEMASEN WA ^^

---------------------------------

だって、 千里の道も一歩から

Monday, October 19, 2009

FUCKYEAH NO COMMANDOS

Your enlistment date is on 04-Feb-2010. Your reporting unit is TRAINING LIST BASIC MILITARY TRAINING CENTRE SCHOOL 1.

FUCKYEAAAAAAAAAAAAH NO COMMANDOS YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH BABYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY OHYEAHHHHHHHHHHHH

TAKE THAT SAMMMMMMMM SO MUCH FOR SUFFER YOU BASTARDSSSSS

GUESS WHAT I'M NOT SUFFERRING AS A COMMANDOOOOOOO

>> (implying I will not suffer as a person in BMT but oh well)

k back to mugging

Friday, October 09, 2009

Final Marks for Prelims (Public)

It's almost the exact same feeling I felt two years and five months ago. The Same. Damn. Feeling.

Monday, October 05, 2009

Farewell Chapel, and A Recollection

Thus far (as of typing time), it appears almost no one has blogged about farewell chapel, save a Y5 scholar who didn't care too much about it.

The chapel has indeed been a time for some food for thought - no doubt hindered by stupid formalities such as PC awards (of which I am clearly undeserving of anyway) during the chapel and being buggered about said stupid formalities after chapel, AND the random SAF talk that came after all of that (another story in itself; perhaps worth telling, but not on this blog. I'm lazy to type out two stories in one day). Regardless, I digress.

Sitting as a recipient at the side means you cannot enjoy having your final chapel with the company of your classmates. It is truly a buggersome thing to people who feel the farewell chapel carries at least some symbolic meaning (regardless of the quality of said chapel) and I must say that it feels all too annoying.

We are indeed an interesting and unique batch considering our circumstances: that we have seen the SQA from start to finish (a point no one actually cares that much about or was actually aware of in the first place, I'm sure); that we are the first batch of IB candidates that are not guinea pigs in any way whatsoever, since we had graduates upon our arrival in IB. Also, that we are of the small group of students seeing the beginning of the IB programme to what it is now - the only group to know how a purely O-level school was like, and witness its transitions to the IB school that it is now.

I'd also take a small breather and say that this was the last batch of GEP and non-SBGE students that ACSI will ever have, and though the names are similar the students are rather different, which some teachers apparently will testify to. Really, but a small little stone turned in the sandstorm of change.

We are, basically, part of the small group of students that have seen the school change into what it is now. The building of the IB campus, the extension of the SAC, the Astroturf, new auditorium and Center of Performing Arts, and the like. Alongside this change we have seen many teachers come and go - many wonderful teachers going, and many other wonderful teachers coming (and to come, though I won't know about this). I find arguing about whether the teachers of old or the current ones are better a rather meaningless one so I'll pass on that for now.

Of course, at this point I must admit that I see myself more as a student in ACSI for 6 years rather than an IB student for two years. I must admit this IB-mugger identity never really got to me and the EE, Mathport, TOK and shiz don't really feel like these overarching towers of doom, nor the entire journey as some journey through the valley of death. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I did stupidly difficult topics for ISO in Sec 3 and did 20-page ISOs in Sec 1 and 2 already (one on science, and one on humans too. Though admittedly the latter was a bit not-really-my-doing, and I apologize for my immaturity then BUT OH WELL let bygones be bygones I'm sure he doesn't mind). Just checking, was it really 20 pages for Sec 1? Check for me kthx unless you don't have the documents anymore. I know I don't.

So what defining moments of the years were there? Perhaps the brightest of them would be 2004, the beginning of many of our journies in the College of Wyverns, as some alumni would call it. Sec 1 shines to me because of a number of things. 118. Rugby. SJAB. An awesome class, and many others. However, one of the most memorable things from Sec 1 was probably eagles. See, as Dr. Ong said, that was the year where their theme for the year was taken from Isaiah 40:28-31.

"Do you not know? Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."

And that year was probably one where people remembered about what kind of became a quintessential quote for ACSians - Soar on wings like Eagles. To me, it was there next to "To God Be The Glory, The Best Is Yet To Be" and "Scholar, Officer and Gentlemen". No other year had a quote as memorable as this - Light of the World? Salt of the Earth? United in Spirit and Purpose? I couldn't even remember that the last one was this year's theme for the year! Perhaps I could say that ACS was more about eagles than wyverns, even! But that would be restricted to the time I have been in ACS - I presume older alumni would look more favourably upon the wyvern of ages past. Nonetheless, I think the fact that there are two statues of eagles in our school and not wyverns speaks for the current symbolic importance of eagles in our culture (perhaps a brainchild of the CEO? But I know not), and also perhaps the lack of significance of future themes (though I'd laugh pretty hard at the idea of a statue of salt) to come.

Another part of 2004 so very ACSian was 118, the dreaded number. Really, it was probably the most beautiful donation card ever designed, and amongst the most painful one a student in ACS will ever find himself required to donate to. 119 was nowhere near as impressively designed, and by 120 the idea had faded out. Was there a 117, though? I don't know. Perhaps some interviewing is in order here? Any teachers reading this, do give feedback. In any case, this ended up a number that any ACSI student at that time would fear for a long time to come. Money never flushed that quickly down the drain.

What was next in 2004, then? Perhaps something shared between all ACSians - Rugby B. Div Finals. The whole school went down to cheer. We never scored the final try needed to equalize. I have never seen a teacher cheer so hard for his school, nor have I ever seen a teacher cry for it. Why do they shout so loud, cry so soft, and walk away so silently at the end of the match? It was the first time I saw the school fight for something so desperately, cheered as desperately, and nearly cried in their defeat. 5 years from then, I still believe in cheering and screaming your heart out. Enough for someone to nickname me Thunderation.

Another event people would remember would be ACSIdol, perhaps. Chinese Karaoke never had this appeal. I remember going to watch, and seeing the eventual winner belt out We Will Rock You to the best of his ability, failing but still winning the applause of the crowd in the process. It was a kind of indomitable will and perseverance that he showed that made him so awesome, I suppose.

Then came 2005, where the GEP classrooms were closest to the SAC. Said classrooms now find themselves buried in books, concrete and will never see students having lessons in them again. They are gone forever, but 4 years after I stepped foot inside for the first time and exited it for the final time. The first OEP happened this year - mine at Desaru. If you asked me which OEP I considered the most fun, I probably couldn't be able to answer. All the OEPs were fun. Nonetheless, 2005 was a year that passed by quickly. To me, it also passed more insignificantly as far as the school was concerned. Classmates were awesome as always, but 119 wasn't as dreadful, and the like. Of course, the GEP Cruise this year was the most amazing thing to happen to any GEP student, but I'll spare readers from that much nostalgia. Besides, that wasn't something the whole batch went through.

Yes, I remember one important event. Mr. Tan See Keng's leaving. A truly wonderful person, that we even held a mini-concert of sorts for his farewell. He was one of many icons to leave the school, but at this point I felt the school was somewhat of a warm family watching a dear uncle leave for the world outside. A wonderful person had left the school, and perhaps it was the first of signals of the changing mechanisms within the school. No doubt unrelated events, though, I would think.

Year 3 and OEP were wonderful, and Vietnam was a trip hard to forget when you have Dr.Ong on the trip as well. I'm sure people who went to Kunming and Lijiang (do I remember the other places correctly?) had similarly beautiful experiences to remember. Round this year the first group of Y5s come into school, the pioneer batch (still guinea pigs at that point of time) that would soon bring glory to the school in their results. The SAC was extended to fit the new IB batch, and Indian suddenly became the 'in' food. The ramp where people would march up every UYO day would disappear to make room for this extension, and soon UYO days would become a mere shell of their former self. It was our final year of having assembly at Drong's Hill, and perhaps now few of the younger students would know that this seemingly unimportant hill was once so affectionately named, and right there once stood proud officers of every UYO, commanding the school for assembly. The new parade ground never had the same effect.

(I don't recall, but I believe the first Battle of the Bands was this year as well? Unfortunately I didn't go for this, and I cannot recall much of it.)

Haven was another important event of the year. I'm sure anyone who went for it still remember the tune to "Celebrate Each Day". For all the sacrifices that the teachers and students have made in the production of the musical, it turned out as a wonderful performance and showed that ACSians are very much natural performers.

"Life is too short, to waste it all away,
Just stop and celebrate, celebrate each day!"
(Please correct because I don't think these lyrics are correct)

Come 2007, the Year 6 pioneers were rushing mad with their work while us, the 3rd batch, were busy with our own IOC of sorts to Hamlet, POD essays, even mini Math Portfolios, and as I recall the latter half of ISO for the Pre-IB batch (the GEP had something else, see. I can't quite recall how the rest of them had it but CMPS was certainly a bugger). It's rather hilarious to think that parallels could be drawn between Y4 and Y6 so easily, except nothing we did in Y4 could have prepared us for the doom of Y6. Life was slowly transiting into the IB life, and Pre-IB finally began to feel a bit more Pre-IBish. Anglolympics now come and go, showing that the Y6s really wanted to make their last year a lot of play alongside a lot of hard work (teachers may debate upon the latter). On our end, we were pretty much playing anyway. In comparison to IB, anything before that really is kind of playing. Not having O-Levels kind of does that to you.

For a good number of us, UYO was now about pumping cadets and leading by example rather than painful pushups along the track, amphitheater, roadside, or what-have-you-not. Really; you name it, someone's did pushups there before. Except maybe the clock tower. Save for the Ventures, Primers and a few oddballs, it would also be our last year as official members of our respective UYOs. For most of us, Fridays probably never felt the same again.

To some extent, it's quite amazing to think that in addition to our IB life, a good number of us have went through so much as far as our secondary school education has been concerned. And the scary part is that this is a small bit of it all - what of SYF? UYO Competitions? Sports seasons? I merely laid out what I felt were points which almost all ACSians could have seen in common (admittedly AC Idol might not be up there), but even then I realize I fall very short even in attempting this. What about Bizworld and OM? The pain of ISO (that seems like a mere mosquito sting now, too)? All the various camps for UYOs, CCAs and the Prefectorial Board? It is fascinating to realize how incapable one is when it comes to the rather arduous task of stating the many events that would have shaped ACSians in this new millennium to be what they are now.

Yet regardless, change comes across as the only constant in life. The buildings we adore have changed greatly - the ramp is no more, the field near the porta-cabins are now a street soccer court (arguably a good change), fences alongside the path up the ramp are now gone with the new Astroturf. Teachers that we see today are gone tomorrow - how many are there now? In fact, even now, we as a 3rd batch will never understand the possible buggerisms of ePOD and other things the 7th and 8th batches would go through. We will never see an ACSI that they would - the change that we have witnessed is non-existent to them, and the change they will witness will come when we are gone.

I recall the pioneers' farewell speech by Han Sheng, and in it he talked so much about the new things in IB - Nirvana, Rivers, Arial Font Size Twelve Doublespacing and Justified, and a number of other jokes I couldn't catch when I was in Sec 4. I recall Joshua's farewell speech earlier this morning. There is none of that newfound fascination and horror towards IB - only 'seasons'. Orientation season, Math Port season, Sports season, Midyears season, the list goes on. The change from fascination to routine in a mere two batches is somewhat startling. Who knows? Two more years down the road and they'll all start calling Math Port a piece of cake! (Emphasis on all because I know some people in my batch already do)

Yet there is something remarkably ACSian about both speeches, no matter how different in content and in context. There was something about the Sec 4 farewell speech - though he seemed rather hilarious and foolish at times, he was undeniably ACSian. Perhaps the ending line confirms it. Similarly, there are traits in Joshua and Han Sheng's speeches that, no matter how different, call out to everyone in the auditorium as ACSian in nature.

We are part of a unique batch that has been able to witness such huge change in ACSI - in teachers, in students, in curriculum, in mission, and even in infrastructure. Yet at the same time, we are part of the batch that can testify to the idea that ACSians stay quintessentially ACSian, regardless of time. Perhaps the entire tradition of ACS feels timeless to a mere 18-year old such as I.

But I am proud to have been part of this school, and to have witnessed the changes in the school, good or bad. I guess in closing, the SA7's final line in their song (perhaps even a swan song, I dare say) fits aptly -

"The Best Is Yet To Be"

Saturday, October 03, 2009

暇な日々

'日々'はそういうもんだ。

悲しい時は遅い。
嬉しい時は早い。
暇な時は遅い。
忙しい時は早い。

今日は忙しくて、時間が早く通るけど、明日はきっと遅い日でしょう。 日々はそういうものだ。 気分が増減しやすいものなんだ。

もし世界はいつも早くなったら私達の人生はどうなるんでしょう。 たぶんニューヨークになるでしょう。 そういう人生はいいかな。 そんな忙しくて早い人生は意味あるのか。 ただ"何をやっているから意味がある"という答えは正しいですか。

逆に、今ののんびりな日々のほうがいいですか。

たぶん、今日は遅すぎてそんなへんな思いが浮かんでいるだろう。

ーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーー

I think this is becoming a queer habit. I don't even have any particular compelling reason to blog in jap but oh well

Monday, September 21, 2009

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Failure of Admissions

All because I decided to pick Singpost over DHL.

What the fuck.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Eagles

There're a few eagles left in Singapore. (Well, my mom called them 老鹰, and I do believe that there's a bit of room for ambiguity on whether they're eagles or hawks. So >_>) Gwin thought that it might be that they're lacking in food to eat - apparently it wasn't that but a lack of a habitat to live in. I guess Singapore just doesn't have enough high places to live in.

Slowly, the eagles fly away or die out, and none take its place.

What would the eagles have thought when they saw Singapore change, the buildings soaring high, their eyries mere dots from the top of the HDB? What did they think when they realized that no HDB roof would make a good nest, no matter how tall? Did they soar on wings - the eagles they are - to another land that will treat them better? Did they stay and see how long they could last, and eventually died off? Or perhaps they are in hiding! The child in me would like to give such an answer, but alas, it is unlikely.

Could the far-sighted eagle have seen in advance the troubles awaiting? Does it see its problematic future as clearly as it sees the world beneath it? Or does it stay in faith that its environment will persist until tomorrow?

We shall never know - the eagle mocks us mere humans and our incapability to see the world from a place as high as the sky.

------------------------------------------

I wonder if educational institutions who tell their students to soar on wings like eagles ever told the teachers the same thing.

Perhaps some of them figured it out themselves.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Chapter: Not Exactly The Last

It seems that Singpost is so bloody fail that this isn't going to be Chapter: The Last (as the two of them put it) for me just yet. Goddamnit.

Advice to people applying overseas never use Singpost unless you're one month before the deadline

It severely pisses me off that everytime I do something it always ends up screwing over in some terrible way or it ends up being some insanely difficult thing to do.

First they don't tell me that documents go to London by the next working day
Then they take the thing like 5 seconds before the end (It's freaking scary when people say that they'll collect it before 6.00pm and come at 5.59.55pm. It's not wrong per se but goddamnit)
Then I find out they haven't even sent it by this time

I wonder what's next >_>

--------------------------------------

In any case, the temporary reprieve from exams (That some people don't care about, and I suppose I don't care about the fact that I care about it. Yes, they're different) comes at a good time but it's rather annoying that the bugger Singpost is ruining it so easily

TIP OF THE DAY GUYS

USE DHL INSTEAD OF SINGPOST IT IS WIN AND ACTUALLY RELIABLE INSTEAD OF THIS SHIT

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Why do I want to take Psychology?

Why do I want to take the PPS Course at Cambridge?

It is perhaps a natural result of the person that I have turned into - an observer more so than a participater.

But if you asked me, I do not have the clear interest that certain peers around me do. I do not have the flair that Jarrel has for the sciences, the dedication and passion that Jonny bears for geology, and the natural capabilities for the humanities that one like Shiru would have.

As it is, I could perhaps be at an impasse. Yet I am somehow geared towards this path. Why?

There are reasons I cannot write about. Reasons I cannot write about not because I must keep a secret, but because they are not there - I have yet to find them. Therefore we do away with them. What then, then, of the reasons that I CAN write about? Few that are particularly palatable, I would say.

The first perhaps is just general curiosity. I'm sure my peers would say that I am generally well-versed on the subjects I take (though I dare not say that I am proficient at any), and my interest in psychology and sociology may just be a curiosity pick for me.

The second perhaps is boredom. I cannot say that I bear a very strong interest in any of the subjects I currently undertake. Sufficient interest is there (perhaps more than some other students have towards any subject) but certainly none strong enough to hold a future. What then serves as a guarantee that I will undertake any university degree with the courage, determination and (dare I say it) enamored approach I had towards my current subjects? None.

Well, then, these don't make for very palatable reasons, nor very justified ones for taking sociology or psychology as a degree in a university, do they? Perhaps, despite what everyone says, a university life is not cut out for one like me! An entirely possible scenario.

The issue gets worsened when you realize the fact that sociology, psychology and cultural anthropology, for all their similarities, aren't that similar. They aren't terms which can be interchanged so freely, yet I should believe I have been doing so in a rather careless and perhaps desecratory manner. It is... an unhealthy behaviour, to say the least. I should be more clear with what I say and say that I am more interested in sociology than in psychology, though not to the extent where I would say I am extremely interested in cultural anthropology. I must unfortunately admit that that statement makes me feel like I am once again taking some form of middle-ground stance to this. Perhaps I am.

(...derp I really shouldn't write on a Gin and Tonic. Midori Tonics work fine but I guess Gin's twice as strong and twice as annoying when it comes to hindering you.)

It is ever so much easier to shoot yourself down than to pick yourself up. I guess that's why personal statements are so hard to write, aren't they?

...and unfortunately the writing of this blogpost has yet to bring me closer to writing a good personal statement. Le sigh. The occasional feverish feeling on my forehead and cheeks gets to me after a while. I guess I do have to sleep for now.

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

NO RAGNAROK ONLINE

I WILL NOT PLAY RAGNAROK ONLINE UNTIL THE END OF IB

NO YOU XI MIN

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

グードモーニング・エー・シー

明日、何かに誰かにいい事をしましょう。 例えば、挨拶すればどうですか?

”おはようございます~”って。 簡単でしょう?

家族に”おはようございます~”を言おう。
友達に”おはようございます~”を言おう。
先生に”おはようございます~”を言おう。
皆に”おはようございます~”を言おう。
だって、明日はいい日だよ。
良い天気、良い友達、良い先生、良い場所、良い学校、良い世界、

良い一日。

おはようございます、お母さん。
おはようございます、お父さん。
おはようございます、友達さん。
おはようございます、先生。
おはようございます、私。

おはようございます、私の学校。

グードモーニング・エー・シー。

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

彼と彼女

"好きではないけど嫌いではない。 ただの'いる'と言う感じだ。”

ならば彼女との感じがないんじゃない。

"そうかもしれない"

かもって言うな野郎。

"考えれば皆に聞こう。”

なにを。

”俺と彼女の関係、今は大丈夫ですか。将来は大丈夫ですか。”

何でそんなことを皆に聞こうかな。…ああ。 そうだね。 君は感じがないからさ。 そういう考えしかできないのさ。 好きや嫌いやあんたにとって存在していない子束でしょう。 あんたの世界と考えは算数だけ。 物理学だけ。 科学だけ。 そういう思いだけ。 他の思いなんてない。 好きなんてない。 嫌いなんてない。 

思いなんてない。
重いなんてない。

"一番いい結果を探すんだ。”

もうないさ。

”あるんだ。”

そうか。結婚ですか。さあ、聞こう。あんた、彼女と結婚するつもりですか。

”そうかもね。”

もうかもって言うなって言ったんでしょう?!野郎。阿呆かてめは。

ーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーー

the fuck do i get worked up over shit like this for.

いやそうだね。 もう覚えました。

てめのせいじゃない。

てめのせいで俺の友達はそんなふうになったのよ。
てめのせいで俺と友達の関係はそういうもんなよ。

’好き’って言ったらいいのに。できないんでしょう。心から。好きではないか?気持ちがないか?心がないか?

ならなんで。

ファック。

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Teacher's Day Eve

Hey, tomorrow's the last teacher's day we'll be having for a really long time.

(I think. Do they do it in uni? >_>)

I think the silence sufficiently conveys my feelings about this.

Monday, August 24, 2009

The Future

I find the idea of the future rather annoying. About dreams. About jobs. About work life, university life and 'what to do after this'.

It's annoying that there's a line between the people who have rich parents and can basically get into whatever university they want to, take whatever degree they want to and take any job they can afford to live off their parents - and the poor people who dream of getting a scholarship, getting a decent job (presumably bonded with the government), paying off their debts to their parents and hopefully breaking out of the cycle they were stuck in for so long.

And it's annoying that I have to tread this buggersome line because I'm not in either extreme category. Other people tend to take the first side if they can afford to, the second if they cannot. Someone like me inside the middle ends up feeling like he's completely out of touch with the world.

The ideals of job mobility and security come at certain prices - presumably the lack of the other in both respective cases. What's the value of a bond? Four to five years. How much is four to five years to me now? How much is four to five years to the me just out of the job market? What's the cost of not having a bond? Perhaps a student loan and you in the red; perhaps your parents working their lives away to finance your university life, or perhaps talent recognized enough for a bond-free scholarship (an idea so amazingly absent in the red dot).

There are horror stories of graduates ending up as clerks or any kind of work that ends up belittling their intelligence and capabilities. There are horror stories of graduates returning to Singapore, serving their bond and duty and realizing that the signature and fingerprint from the 18/19-year old you have cursed your life for the rest of your bond.

Really, there are horror stories of work life in general, just put it that way, huh.

It's annoying how I live with a belief and philosophy so egoistical in nature and so out-of-touch with reality because I believe that to some extent, reality can be conformed to me, as much as vice versa was possible. It is an idea that few can believe, fewer can justify, and almost none can execute. I do not lie within the 'almost none' nor the 'fewer'. Anyone lying within the 'almost none' is probably lying or an ubermensch.

Sigh. Nevermind, sian to talk. (I'll probably still be sian when any of you ask about it)

Thursday, August 20, 2009

O U Bugger

近い。 近すぎる。 分っている? 彼と一緒なら絶対にうれしい結論にできませんということ。 知らなかったんでしょう。 まあ、 しょうがないんさ。 それは人生だからな。 君は知ってるのは "彼は私ほど相手を愛することができん” と言う思いだね。 違いではないんだけど、まあ、正しいでもないんですね。 ちょっと複雑なことだね、人間関係は。 

僕は? 僕は分ってるよ。 君が知らないこと。 君が思えないこと。 考えられないこと。 彼のこと。 なぜなら彼はお前の思ったよりバカだからね。

近いよ。 近すぎる。 すっげ近いよ。 そんなに近ったら傷付けちゃうよ。 まあ、僕には関係ないけどね。

でもさあ、君にとってそれはどうでもいいんでしょう。 だって、 きみはもう言ったのよ。 ”平等できないなら、私方が多いさ”って。 そういうの"愛"はどうかしら。 

実はね。 あんたは彼を感情捨て人形と見なすだけでしょう。 君は知らないけど。 でも、そうやったら幸せになれないよ。 そうしても続くのかな? まあ、 今の君はそういう人と一緒にいることは必要かもしれません。 僕には関係ない。

でもさあ、 もうすぐ傷付けちゃうよ。 知らない、感じない、考えられないうちに。 

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Fuckyear IOC Over

fuckyeah IOC is over

Thanks to all people involved in helping me on this, including but not limited to:

Jiayan for giving a copy of IOC notes
Kuang for giving a copy of IOC notes (As my birthday present)
JY for giving a copy of IOC notes
Jarrel for giving a copy of IOC notes (On soft AND on hard copy =O )
Jonny for giving a copy of IOC notes
XM for practising IOC with me (I would put something here but I can't think of what)
Jonny for practising IOC with me (till I got sick of it hahahaha)
JY for practising IOC with me (and teaching King Lear)
Jarrel for giving me a copy of the IOC extracts (LOL I would've died without them)
Jiayi for lending me IOC poems during Maria Nathan's lessons
XM for typing out IOC raws for printing and practising
Arjun / Naga / HY / Lev / Julfri / Marc / Jonny / XM for wishing good luck on IOC
Arjun for lending his watch for IOC
Naga and Arjun for helping get my bag when I was running up the ramp (and thinking I was late for IOC for not reporting 15 minutes early mehhhhhh worry so much for nothing)

I uh believe that was about it. Is there anyone I missed out? I mean it goes under the "not limited to" part, but I rather dislike that. Do say something if I missed you out or something.

YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

ok back to life

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Peace in mind, ironically

偶尔我会怀疑。怀疑我生存的理由。 怀疑我生存的意义。

你知道吗?如果你帮助人家太多次了,你会渐渐觉得“帮助人”是你存在的意义。 如果你每一天都与天才们交往,你会渐渐觉得“天才”是你的身份。 如果你一直帮朋友做他们的功课,你迟早有一天会觉得“若我不能做好功课的话就不是人家的朋友了”。

就像一支原子笔 - 每天每辰每秒用, 墨水一完就没用。

而我就是一位拥有一支永远需要借给别人的原子笔。 永远得自己再添墨水,再买墨水,再借别人。

或许有可能,我就是那支原子笔。自己添自己的墨水,无法这么样做的时候就立刻被丢掉。

------------

なんでだろう心が悩む時にいつも他の国の言葉でブロッグポストを書く。

ーーーーーーーーーーーーー

Perhaps today I really was not sound in heart nor in mind.

Thankfully I am now. I have a good friend to thank for my current peace and relief. At the very least, the above statements applied to a point before 23:30 of 11/8/09.

Sunday, August 09, 2009

西野 奴へ

拝見: 西野 奴へ

どうも。僕の名前をもう知ってるから自己紹介しない。気にしないでください。

私はね、今。お前のことが嫌いだ。…いや、嫌いじゃなくて、"苦情" だ。 お前がやったことの結果で。 お前の人類関係の態度について。 

分かる? お前の人生態度と苦情があるさ。 

お前は"内緒"の意味が分りますか?分らないのか? "内緒" の "内" は "心の中に" の意味ですね。分りますね。そして "緒" は "一緒" と言う意味ですね。それも分るよね。

でもさあ、あんたにとって "内緒" の "緒" の意味は "皆と一緒" だと思っているんじゃないですか。それより "内" の意味を "口の中に" と思ってんのは何でだろう。 それはただの間違いですか。 それとも、これはあんたの秘密の守り方ですか。 冗談じゃないよ! てめ!

おめえ、 分ってねんのか? 野郎! 人と人の関係の中心は気持ちだよ!二人だけの秘密は二人朋の気持ちの証明だよ! 内緒はただの物じゃない! 人はただの者じゃない! 他の人とあなたとの内緒はあんたの使い物じゃない! そうしたらあんたは何者になるのか分る? 

感情がない人だよ。 皆の気持ちは分れなくて認められない人だよ。 悲しいですか。 でもあんたはもう感情がないでしょう。 悲しいと言う感じが分らん。 共感と言う思いは感じられん。 

笑わないでください。 僕は笑われない。

皆の気持ちをまじめに考えてください。

ー あんたにとってただの者
I forget the complicated nature of humans at some point of time.

I pray I keep myself sane and sound throughout this.

Thursday, August 06, 2009

I feel like such a small man in the great scheme of things.

I thank the friends I have for reminding me of this very fact.

Saturday, August 01, 2009

18th birthday

A total of 18 invited people, of which 4 did not come. One for a sad friend, one for a terrible fever, one for family matters and one for time.

It was, for the most of it, a class affair, with only a few other close friends attending. When you say the term, only 3 people come to my mind, all starting with 'J'. There are certainly other good wingmen who I have been with for a long time, each with funky letters (apart from J) - X, K, the like. But I'd say with certainty that only the first 3 I would call in any situation whatsoever. Nevertheless, one crashed anyway upon finding out some stuff.

Sometimes I wonder whether I'm a good chairman or host or leader or helper or teammate. Some people say I do too much for others. Others say I'm too hard on myself. Perhaps I am, perhaps I am. It feels very much my personality to be so, at the very least.

At the end of the party, everyone's gone. The only two people in the house are me and the man with the birthday tomorrow. The house remains in its silence - all fans off, air con (yes it's actually on) whirring ever so quietly - except for the jazz medley from the speakers. I can never understand how someone can get sick of it, only how someone can get annoyed at inappropriate moments for jazz (which is their fault anyway. dah)

Really. You should put yourself in a room one day, soundproof, with nothing but the sound of jazz in the background. If you ignore all the issues of forced solitude and potentially self-induced insanity, it's a pretty wonderful experience. I should try that again sometime.

I'm really very thankful that I had 14 people coming along just for this. Well, 13 to be exact. It's pretty damn fun and I really hope everyone enjoyed themselves. Well, I think they did. Should be. I did. It's really really really really sad about the 4 people, though. Particularly the fever one. Considering all the work put in, this really feels like the ultimate bummer.

Originally we were thinking about having some outside party. I'm glad it wasn't. I love my house for a party more so than any other place, really. Save maybe Wei Hua's. XD

I would write more, but my mind's pretty distracted here and there. I should get some jazz to listen to while writing, not Bump of Chicken. >_>

But I think I can answer in regards to one of the questions I have about myself.

I think I'm a pretty good chairman.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Random musings

覚えていますか。 あたしのこと。 昔のこと。 …覚えてない? …ハア。 しょうがないな… せっかく出会ったのに。 まあ、いいか。 最初から始めようか。

あたしとあなたの初めての出会いは七年前のことだ。その時のあんたはそんなにちっちゃかったわよ。 覚える? 覚えない? 残念。 すっごく可愛かったよ。 …いや、そういう意味じゃないから…

いつもの話、覚える? 寝る前の話。 未来のこととか、夢のこととか、恋のこととか… 本当に覚えないのか? あんた。

毎朝一緒に学校へ行く。 毎晩一緒にベッドに寝る。 毎日君と一緒に明日へ進む。



覚えたの? 



そうよ。

あたしはね。

昔のあんただよ。

好きだよ、昔の君。 今の君。 そして未来の君。

この七年間、 どうだった? つらかったかな? 楽しかったかな? 悲しかったかな?

今日はね。 あんたとあたしだけ。 明日まで話し合おう。 昔のこと。 昨日のこと。 今日のこと。 そして未来のこと。

本当に長かったんだね。

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Memories - Neighbourhood

Bukit Timah Plaza and Beautyworld near my place used to be very good locations to go to for shopping and the like - general tourist attractions, Singaporean and Malaysians alike.

There's a very large grassy plain inbetween my house and Beautyworld. There used to be pasar malams there every once in a while - the other (perhaps the actual) reason why the area just outside my house was a popular location for tourists.

They're all gone, of course. Mom says that they've been gone ever since a pasar malam at Redhill unfortunate enough to catch fire. The government's banned them ever since. Now when I go to the Cameron Highlands (last Dec) the pasar malam there feels rather alien yet slightly nostalgic. More alien than nostalgic though.

Paddle pop used to be an absolutely wonderful ice cream. Still is, in fact. Rainbow-swirly goodness at pretty much the most affordable price (per stick) that any ice cream nowadays can hope to sell for. It's a very good thing the Esso just outside my house still sells them. I hear they're not in fashion anymore. Pity.

It really is good stuff. Gwin and I bought one stick each on the way home yesterday. He said they made paddle pop smaller these days. I said they stayed the same - we just grew up. I don't know whether I'm right or he's right. Maybe both. Maybe not. Oh well. Good stuff, though.

Waffletown was a pretty awesome place at Bukit Timah Plaza. Ever since they moved to Balmoral Plaza it's felt less like a homey cafe and more like another random outlet. Yes, I know. It does feel that way, even though it's probably the only outlet in Singapore.

There used to be a funky arcade in the middle of Bukit Timah Plaza too. I never went there, though. Wasn't too into arcades back then. I always thought about going there just to see when I grew up. I guess I never got the chance.

I never see little kids running around in the void deck playing Wizards or shooting each other down with water guns anymore. Sure, the Super Soaker series became waaaaaaaaaay less awesome once they cut production of all the good stuff (CPS =D) but I never realized it got so bad.

It's just 20 cents for a bucket of fun, too. Well, I suppose it's quite a waste of water. Oh well.

I never realized it, but the grassy plain just outside really did feel rather empty. But it felt nice having an empty plain just... there. Once in a while you would see people fly RC planes (or helis, whichever they had). Now all you see are white walls and the occasional turqoiuse board saying "MRT Line coming your way",

Maybe Beautyworld will end up being a nice place to go to again.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Exams

It's hubris.

Hubris, I tell you.

Only my Lang Arts results are keeping me from breaking something right now.

Monday, July 20, 2009

A letter from the past; a letter from the future

To: The Me of the Future.

Dear Me of the Future:

Hi there, me. I'm sure you know who I am, so introductions aren't necessary. It's been a while, hasn't it? If you can't remember, I'm 15. I'm sorry about not knowing how old you are, but I can't help it. I don't know the future.

How's life for you? What're you doing right now? Where are you? How're your parents? Friends? Doing fine? Mine are.

I know you're wondering why I'm writing a letter to you. There's some things I can only tell you. I can't tell anyone else - not my friends, not my parents, no one. They're my pains and problems, and only I can listen to them. I know it's a bit selfish, but please let me take up a bit of your precious time while you read this.

I miss the past.

I miss the fun I had as a child. Playing at the playground with whoever comes along. Catching, freeze and melt, crocodile, and blind mice. The carefree days that will never return.

I miss my childhood.

Life currently is all about work. All about competition. All about aiming high. I can't take any of that. I'm afraid of turning into you. I've no idea what it feels like to be you. Will it be scary? Will it be painful? Will it be sad? I don't know. Sometimes life is good. But what if it disappears? Will it be gone forever? Will I never see it again? Will the future eternally be bleaker than the present?

I'm breaking down.

I want to cry. I'm afraid. I can't take life. It's tough. I don't know who to confide in. I can only confide in you. Myself. No one else. Who else do I share this heart with? Who else can I share this heart with?

I'm going to give up. I'm going to cry. I'm going to disappear. It's painful. Who do I listen to?

My heart keeps getting broken. Shattered. Smashed by the life around me. The stress and pain of it all.

I can't carry on. I miss the past. I'm afraid of the future.

Love,
Me.

--------------------------------------------------------------

To: The Me of the Past

Dear Me of the Past,

Thank you for your letter. It's been very long since I kept in touch with you, hasn't it? Time flies, and before you know it you're many many years older. I'm a bit insecure about this, so I'll have to keep it a secret from you, sorry.

There're many things I'd like to say to you, the 15-year old me. But most of that will have to come in later letters. Let's do the most important things now, shall we?

I miss the past too.

It's true. The past shines brightly. But dear, you have to realize that there is a difference between "the past was full of good times" and "the past was full of good times too". People can only see the bad side of the present, rarely the good. Yet people can only see the good side of the past, rarely the bad. Life right now is better than you think. Believe me - I like my life right now, and the past still shines as brightly. Even the time you're living in right now.

Believe in yourself.

Find out who you are. I don't know how or when I did it, so I can't give you any advice here. But never stop asking, no matter how painful it may be at times. The day you stop asking who you are and why you do things you cease to be yourself. You cease to live, only exist. And once you cease to live you fail to realize the beauty of life right at this very moment. Life is beautiful, dear.

Keep on believing.

Please don't give up; please don't cry. When you ever feel like you're about to disappear off the face of the earth, just listen to your own voice. Listen to it. Trust it. Trust the path that you're walking down. The life of a youth is tough, stressful, painful. But trust yourself and take one step every day towards the bright future awaiting you.

Never stop believing.

Adults have it tough too. Sometimes I feel like giving up. Sometimes I feel like crying. Sometimes I feel like disappearing. Life is painful even for me. But life's sweet too. And that's life. That's how I live it.

Everything in life has a meaning. The painful times, the happy times, the sad times, the frustrating times. So don't be scared of it. There's a reason why it happens. Just embrace your dreams and keep on believing.

Keep on believing, keep on believing.

Life will be painful no matter what times you live in. Running away from pain will never be enough. So just smile. And live out every single day with a smile.

Love,
Me.

--------------------------------------------------------------

To: Me

Dear Me,

I wish for your happiness.

Love,
Me of the Present.

--------------------------------------------------------------

From a rather beautiful song. Rather unoriginal, but ah well. I shall not take credit for any idea here.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Jubeat 4th Placing

fuckyear 4th place at White Sands. The group there is quite awesome lol.

Freaking lucky considering I screwed up my first song (967 when my best was 985). Prosu Tentai Kosaku carry (995, 2nd best there. Best was 997) and decent Perfect Sky (973) makes for a 4th place (lost to 3rd place by 600 points wtf that's like the 4th digit of 6 sianzipuah)

Pro lines

"Eh you live around pasir ris one arh"
"Uh no"
"Then you play where"
"Uh dhoby ghaut"
"JI HONG WHY YOU COME ALL THE WAY HERE WHY NEVER GO CHOA CHU KANG"
(coz the top 3 people going CCK yeah)
"dhoby sunday wad so i just come here first lor"

Friendly bengs are usually quite awesome lolol

in other news: semis here i come time to get ownt by the pros lololololol

in more other news : i am now the owner of a jubeat USB clock lolol (i can't believe there are people who want to buy this at $42. wtf @ sgcafe)

Monday, July 13, 2009

End of Midyears

And the exams are over~

Though it must be said that they don't feel as much like exams as they do random extended holidays. I'm sure there're the naysayers around, but ah well. We sure as hell aren't gonna get any more days of coming home at 11-12+, then slacking around the house with friends and revising (or on free days, a good game of pool).

I've never really been a LAN person. I openly admit this.

Thank God for people who can get people together. I never could do that. I suppose that's why I didn't want to be chairman, I guess. Charisma's not in my blood.

For now, rest.

Thursday, July 09, 2009

Dere for collegeboard


Cut all that I have said earlier

I am now dere for collegeboard~^^ wai~

<3

Monday, July 06, 2009


FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF


WHY
WHAT HAVE I DONE
WHAT THE FUCK
IS THIS
SHIT

OH MY GOD
MY RAGE
KNOWS
NO
BOUNDS

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

What are exams to us?

A genie sits in the bottle, waiting to be opened. The bottle stays closed, safe in the hands of merchants and travellers, trading it like the antique it is but never wondering and considering to open the cork to marvel at the inside, only seeing it on the surface. Only the curious ever open it, and get their single wish before the genie and bottle disappear from his hands.

It appears in the hands of the first child. What do you wish for, boy?
"Every man to work for the greater good, and every man equal."
And soon he saw himself in a prosperous world.

It appears in the hands of the second child. What do you wish for, boy?
"The end to racial, gender, sexual discrimination."
And soon he saw himself a tolerant world.

It appears in the hands of the third child. What do you wish for, boy?
"The end to HIV."
And soon he saw himself in a far safer world.

It appears in the hands of the fourth child. What do you wish for, boy?
"The end to all wars."
And soon he saw himself in a war-free world.

It appears in the hands of the fifth child. What do you wish for, boy?
"World peace."
And soon he saw himself in a peaceful world. Perhaps some of you might argue - a nearly unchanged world, by this point. Perhaps so.
(Or maybe he found himself in a beauty pageant?)

It appears in the hands of the sixth child. What do you wish for, boy?
"The end to all examinations."
And the genie decided to rest.

-------------------------------------------------------

I'm sure this isn't a new story to a number of you, just a variation of the story (or perhaps message).

The children (all of unique nationalities and races too, I'm sure readers would notice) all wish for something similar - something that would have greatly improved life in their world.

I'm not gonna go around shooting down my own culture since I'm quite fine with it and all (save NS but ah well) but it's always food for thought.

But today, here's the other question.

What WOULD happen if Singapore had no exams? None of the "study hard, take tuition, do your work" and all that. None of this 'exam hard or exam smart' attitude. For once beginning-of-term-3 gossip won't be about Chem Paper 2 Question 1 (which I have been misquoted on apparently - it is actually rather @_@)

School might actually be a fun place for learning. As the raven Corrax might point out, distant utopias of learning actually do exist. Not that I actually hate school or anything, I'm just certain that a hell lot of people out there do.

But then again, why is it that we consider examinations this annual antagonist that we always spar against and attempt to intellectually best? It's not as if other countries don't have exams, they just don't put the focus on it. You don't get parents who go about forcing other kids to find out their exam results in other countries, do you? So what happens?

Perhaps it's a culture here. (Derp I just went back to culture OH WELL) You can't take the queen bee out of the hive and tell everyone else "You're free! Run off!", can you? One of them'd just take over, naturally. It's part of the hivemind. Students in Singaporean schools that don't have major examinations - ahem IP - basically have projects to make up for it.

At the same time, I realize this is rather disturbing in the sense that such tests are so deeply engrained in our culture that it has become Singaporean to be like this (Perhaps it could even be generalized to 'Asian'. But I'm doubtful of that) - much like how it's 'Singaporean' for guys to all trade NS stories once they get out of it, and the like (Random thought. Someone should have a Singaporean TV show called Gossip Guy). Do we want this as part of our culture?

I remember a Y8 senior of mine (here's another thought here. Why 'Y8'? Will it eventually reach 'Y9' and 'Y10'? Do we never actually 'leave' school?) once talked about the identity of our school IB programme. He shunned the idea of girls in school, a somewhat understandable stand considering the pioneer batch just realizing JC life will never be as awesome as his 4 years in ACS(I) as a secondary student. But it was interesting how, as he said, the identity changed with the second batch. His class was one which took green forms for fun, screamed "LAST DAY OF PE" and ponned the whole day for soccer, and the like. The next class was nowhere like that. I'm sure mine isn't too bad, but nowhere near that either.

The most disturbing thing that he felt about the identity of an ACS IB student was how drastically different the second batch had turned it into. The idea of an "IB mugger" didn't exist originally. We created it. We, as a school, during the second year of our IB programme, had a student council that thought that the IB mugger was a good identity to put on your chest and pass it on proudly to the Y6s then, telling them "be proud of being a mugger" and passing them the ever-known mug, little stick ACSians included. That same council passed the cups on to us, a new batch which gladly embraced the identity set forth by our seniors, embracing it seemingly as a school culture almost historical in nature when it had just been fresh out of the oven but a year ago.

I won't try to say that this identity was the brainchild of someone, or some group, or some batch. While I'm not certain whether this identity ACSIB now bears is inevitable, I shall try to have faith (or perhaps in this case a lack thereof) that life would turn out this way whichever parallel universe we lived in. But this is the result of a national culture inherent in us! We embraced this identity willingly, marketed it, and integrated it into our two short years here!

So back to the point. What after exams? What of us IB Muggers?

Say the genie saw the 6th kid again. What would he ask for next?

Thursday, June 25, 2009

TROLLED SO BAD


TROLLED SO BAD

WHY

OH MY GOSH

DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

COLLEGEBOARDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

(Edited because the first one broke margins lol)

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Vienna

Slow down you crazy child
You're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart tell me why
Are you still so afraid?
Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?
You better cool it off before you burn it out
You got so much to do and only
So many hours in a day

But you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want
Or you can just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through
When will you realize...Vienna waits for you

Slow down you're doing fine
You can't be everything you want to be
Before your time
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight (tonight)
Too bad but it's the life you lead
You're so ahead of yourself
That you forgot what you need
Though you can see when you're wrong
You know you can't always see when you're right(you're right)

You got your passion you got your pride
But don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on but don't imagine they'll all come true
When will you realize
Vienna waits for you

Slow down you crazy child
Take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while
It's alright you can afford to lose a day or two
When will you realize...
Vienna waits for you.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

A summary of the hols

Aaaaaaand it appears we need to study.

Damnit.

The hols have been a lot of working, a lot of playing, a lot of slacking, a lot of jazz, and a lot of thinking.

A lot of working on random things like the SATs, the IAs, the EE, the TOK, the various revisions and projects.
A lot of playing random games like COH, Jubeat, LR2, and the frequent arcade trips.
A lot of slacking talking shit with friends, lazing around and playing bartender.
A lot of jazz in 60-minute medleys on nicovideo I'm sure my brother is sick of. I'm not.
A lot of thinking.

A statement I hear around a lot is the 'because you're smart and I'm not' statement, or similar kinds. It's rather painful, really. First, it's defeatist in nature. Secondly, it's terribly condescending, both ways. Third, it doesn't even give me a chance to act human. Sometimes I wonder how those far smarter than me feel. It's a depressing thought. Somewhere out there there's a girl rejecting someone, saying 'You're too smart. It has not done you good.' and she means it.

Sometimes surprising things happen to people you'd never expect such things to happen to. (I hope I phrased that right.) Life really does work in mysterious ways, I suppose. Even the closest of men around you remain as unpredictable as the strangers they were ages ago. Well, in a retort to that, I suppose it's the strangers that they meet up with that make them unpredictable, isn't it? You'd never know how you'd react to a stranger - friend? foe? lover? acquaintance? And consequently it makes sense you'd never understand how the people around you react to strangers they meet. Somewhat fascinating, honestly.

I will soon be an uncle in a few weeks, presumably very soon after the exams. Perhaps it's kind of the first sign that you're getting old. I suppose the other is when you start drinking alcohol without your parent's permission and they don't mind (though some will quickly argue that's more of a sign of bad parenting. I don't deny that).

Deep inside everyone there's a simple essence - a universal core, if you will. A concept of humanity. Sadness, happiness, awe and wonder. Yet this essence gets shrouded and clouded by many things - ideology, opinion, intelligence, talent, fame and the like. I just hope that in viewing the many aspects of life wrapping around the essence, people don't forget and forsake the essence holding all the aspects of life and personality together. No one likes dehumanization.

It's the final holidays as a Pre-U student. What have I done? What have I accomplished?

In hindsight, perhaps not that much thinking. Well, to my own defence, I didn't pen down everything. Thankfully. =p

Thursday, June 11, 2009

EQ and IQ

Sometimes I wonder about why the world was made this way. Why I'm the person I am, why he or she or they are the people he or she or they are, why you are the way you are (A generic form of 'you', since I'm not in the lets-play-cryptic mood)

My mom teaches special ed. I'm sure the readers I know reading this know that too, and that the readers I don't know reading this probably don't know this either.

She mentioned a kid in her school dead intent on getting a PSLE Certificate. For EM3 students. His parents were apparently rather low-IQ as well.

We know already that won't get the kid anywhere in life. Why do it? I attributed it to male pride. I attributed it to a drive to do well. A need to prove that he could succeed where his parents (might) have failed. And I realized five minutes later that was just vanity in my ego trying to place myself in his shoes forcefully - perhaps not a square peg in a round hole, but more of a XL round peg in a S round hole. I'd never get it, and my attempting to push my own motivations onto others is but a terrible attempt to feel less estranged from the world.

But as much as I eventually realized I would never know anything about this kid no matter how much I speculated (simply because of the difference in thought) , I realized it'd just apply to everyone else in general - the smart ones, the dumb ones and the little blue smurfs.

And as a corollary, people wouldn't understand me no matter how hard they tried - a very, very natural conclusion.

------------------------------------

I forgot what else I wanted to write lol nvm. gg it sounds so emo when it isn't ah well

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Of Cards and Poker

Albert turned around the corner. He was here just a year and a half back, staring down the busy line towards the one man who stayed still amidst the bustling life around him - the beggar who asked for two bucks for a mug of beer.

"Hey you, wise guy." He turned around.
"Yeah, you, wise guy." and he looked down. There he was, lying at the side, unnoticed by all.

"Remember me, wise guy? I met you before, didn't I? Jus' over a year back. Two bucks, right here. Still remember? I even got the dice here. Wanna try your luck at a seven again?" the gambler

"I'll refrain. Have you any other gambles to wrest my money with today?" the gambler shook his head.

"Always do, kid. Up for it?"

"Two bucks."

The gambler took out his pack of cards and began to explain.
"Tell ya a story first, kid. Have you ever learnt what makes a successful kingdom?" Albert shook his head.

"Well, I'll tell ya. It's called a Royal Flush. The strongest 5 in a pack. Any kingdom needs these, kid."

He took out the ten of spades. "First, the masses. No kingdom does well without its citizens. No leader can do without followers. The more, the better for a small group. Not 2, not 7, 10."

He took out the jack of spades. "The jack of all trades. What is a king without the jack of all trades? A team cannot be successful without diversification - without all-rounded capability a team is rendered useless by any rival in the sole area it is competent in."

He took out the queen of spades. "The queen of emotion. Just as every successful man has a devoted woman behind him, every competent king has a devout queen at his right side. The female brings emotion into the life of the team, keeps it from being cold-blooded, and keeps humanity in it."

He took out the king of spades. "The king and lord. The charismatic leader. For without him, there is no one to follow. A jack can do his trade but he will never find himself a leader, for he cannot master the reins of kingship. No group cannot exist without a king and leader to guide the masses.

He took out the ace of spades. "And lastly, the hidden master. A mere number amongst the crowds, but with the skill that none compare to, isolated by his talents. Even for a group of two he is essential for any certainty of success."

He kept the cards, and shuffled them.

"Game's simple. We take 5 cards each, and the one between us who has a better hand. Simple enough? Here's the catch. We choose our cards. I go first. And to be fair, I won't play a Royal Flush. Fine with you?"

"Fine with me," Albert said. It was more than fine. He was going to win with that kind of condition.

The gambler took his five cards and passed the deck to Albert. Even if the gambler wasn't allowed to pick a royal flush, nothing said that he couldn't do it himself. He looked through the cards - ah. He went for the four aces. Now what?

"I hope you have picked your kingdom, boy." Albert smiled.
"Yeah, I have."

"And I know what it is already, wise guy. It's the nine, ten, jack, queen and king of spades, isn't it, boy?" the gambler laughed. Albert showed his hand; exactly the way the gambler had said it.

"I find, Mr. Gambler, that a royalty in mind, in spirit, in synchronization with the masses is more successful a group than the four geniuses which you have picked, is it not? Even in poker, the straight flush bests the four-of-a-kind. Might I have my money, good gambler?"

"Well, then, Mr.Wise Guy, let me ask you a question." the gambler cleared his throat. "Even in poker, the straight flush is but 5 cards being both of a straight and a flush. What then makes the 10-to-Ace a Royal Flush rather than a straight flush?" Albert remained silent.

"Think about it, will you? What about the Ace over a Nine makes a Straight Flush a Royal Flush?" Albert shook his head.



"Well, you're not very bright, then, are ya. King to Ace sure doesn't sound straight to me. You can't call it straight if it isn't, right? So they call it Royal. But that's not the issue. The issue's my cards." and the gambler throws them out, one by one.

"The Ace of Finances." The Ace of Diamonds.
"The Ace of Might." The Ace of Clubs.
"The Ace of Passion." The Ace of Hearts.
"The Ace of Labour." The Ace of Spades.

"The Ace of Humour." The Joker.

"Ah," Albert commented. He took out his two dollars, ready to give them to the gambler.

"And my kingdom is clearly more competent than yours. Have you ever wondered why this hand trumps even the royal flush? There're two reasons. I'll tell you." he laid down the joker on the floor.

"See, there's something special about this joker. Take out this joker and you win. Why? Because the four geniuses are too smart for people - there's an issue of connecting with the crowd, you see. Take a smart man and a dumb man and the latter will never understand the former's thoughts. Well, actually vice versa holds true too. But you see, that's where Yours Truly comes in. Who can't associate with the joker and fool? That's how the story goes, at least. You may have the strongest team on the surface, dude, but I have the strongest team in the shadows." he smiles to himself, and picks the card up.

"It's never the most prominent of governments that changes the life of the world, but the team of scientists and genius researchers working together, isn't it? But I'd suppose no one ever realizes that." the gambler takes the two dollars and puts them in his side pocket.

"What's the second reason, then? Why the Joker and Aces are the strongest hand." Albert asked. The gambler laughed to himself.

"Well, innit obvious? Maybe a Royal Flush IS stronger, but you'd never know! You try finding that many geniuses after they got stolen by the joker." the both of them laughed to themselves, and Albert turned to leave.

"Just one last question, good gambler. Why do you stay here? What's there for you? You're a smart man; I'm sure you could work your way around this city."

"I'm no smart man," the gambler replies, taking a card out of his deck and passing it to Albert.

"I'm just a pretty blessed joker."

-------------------------------------------

Some buggersome stories just take one whole week to write. Basket. And after that emobout I started to hate the story a bit. But nevermind.

Addendum: In case people weren't aware (I'm sure plenty weren't), this is a sequel.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Somehow I know I'm supposed to expect things to turn out a certain way, but it's always rather depressing to remember again that if you hide a side of yourself from the world for too long the only person who knows that it exists is you -

- and you alone.

I know that some people comment that they never figure out what I'm thinking. I just forget that I need to take that line of thought more seriously.

The problem with being an observer was that you never managed to mingle with others properly. It comes with the job.

The problem with being a storywriter was that you never thought about people but the message you were going to write through them or even worse, about them.

The problem with being a thinker was just that sometimes you do it too well.

The problem with considering humanity in regards to anything was that you ceased to be human yourself.

The problem with being me is that no one will be like me. And perhaps no one like you means no one likes you. But that's just overly pessimistic behaviour.

----------------------------------------------------

Perhaps for every action ever seen of me there have already been a hundredfold gone unwitnessed

Saturday, May 16, 2009

SG MBAA

So the MBAA Tourney has come and gone.

Damnit shit happens. Like Dneo getting 3rd wtf.

Tournament results:
Me: lost first round to Full Ries
JY: bye first round, lost second round to Half Nanaya (I think)
SZ: bye first round, lost second round to Full Ries
WH: lost first round to Cres Warc
Cleon: won first round against Half Red Aki, lost second round to Half Mech
Cheli: >_>
Dneo: won first round against Half Tohno, won second round against Cres Kohaku, won third round against Full Mech, lost fourth round against Cres WLen, won fifth round against Cres Miyako

fml Cres Wara cmi

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Death of a Convict

The convict stares around him. The Colosseum filled to the brim with people waiting to see the main show - death by hanging for he who committed the highest sin of the Empire.

Killing the King.

He faces down towards the priest staring him in the eye - looking back at him to the best of his ability while keeping himself unrestrained by the rope round his neck. The crowds roar. The executioner remains emotionless - none see the face behind the ashened mask. "Purge his sin! Cleanse Our land! Hang his head and cut his breath!" a man shouts. Another follows. Another. Soon the audience is chanting. Purge his sin. Cleanse our land. Hang his head and cut his breath.

"Stop!" shouts the priest. Immediate silence. The crowd wavers in anticipation. The executioner yawns with apathy. He continues to stare down.

"This man here has committed the greatest of sins against the Holyland!" the priest shouts. The Colosseum roars back. Almost instantly they begin to chant again.

"But!" the priest shouts again. "we cannot grant sin victory by sinning against the sinner. No! It is in divine providence that we must give him the final chance to see The Way, to repent, to do good. Without it!" the crowd is silent.

"There is no justification for our cleansing of his soul." The crowd is solemn.

"Convict!" the command echoes throughout the Colosseum. The priest looks into his eyes. "You have committed the gravest of sins in the history of our Holyland. You have killed the Honoured King, blest by the Gods themselves. Regicide, divine mutiny, and treason. Those are the three largest sins you bear. Do you have anything to say of your unhallowed actions?"

The Colosseum stays silent, waiting for the convict's reply. The convict stays silent. The executioner remains nonchalant to the silence.

"Convict," the priest says, more gravely. "In the absence of our Hallowed King and in the mental distraughtness of His Royal Family, I, the High Priest of Our Holyland, have offered to take proceedings of this trial. Their divine wrath may have banished your life from this world by now, but I am not permitted to be of their nature, as I am but a High Priest humbly serving the King. Take this chance seriously, convict. It shall not come in any other lifetime of yours."

"Do you have anything," he says, pausing for a moment. "anything, Convict, to say of your unhallowed actions?" he stares at the convict, who only stares back in silence.

"Nothing, my priest," the convict says, still staring him in the face.

"Nothing? Nothing shall come of nothing! Do you intend to mock the benevolence granted upon you by sheer grace and divine will? Do you intend to scoff upon the charity of this nation, for whom you have lived within since your birth, and by your very choice at this moment perhaps your death too! Insolence!" he shouts. The crowd goes wild, infused too with the wrath that had suddenly overcome the priest. The Colosseum is filled with nothing but chanting and roaring again. Amidst the chaos, the priest sees the convict's lips move. He tries to hear, but fails. He cannot decipher the words of the convict.

"Silence!" the priest screams, drowning out immediately the roars and chants of the entire audience. Silence again. "The Convict speaks. Desecrate not the name of our Kingdom by depriving his right to speak." he turns to the convict. "Speak, Convict."

"What I had said, o priest, is that it is not insolence, my priest." the convict continues to stare into the priest's eyes.

"I see," the priest remarks, and looks at the convict again. "why is that so, Convict?"

"For my actions cannot be considered insolence if they were so deemed deserving, my priest." the crowd screams, visibly agitated. The rows of spectators stand and hurl stones at the convict. He does nothing. The executioner fumbles around, trying his best not to get hit by the stones.

"It is known!" the convict shouts. "Common knowledge, even! Of the divine wrath of the King and the Royal Family. Their trials and cleansings! With every purification the gallows are filled with the corpses of a thousand citizens! Tell me, O Priest! Tell me, O Country! Tell me, O Kingdom! Is their divine right to wrath worth the lives of thousands gone with every purification?"

"There is no sin in my actions! For I exist here a martyr to the beliefs that our Holyland have stood for since time immemorial. Is it not sin to purge the lives of many without the first pardon to death, o priest? Is it not sin to call for the gullotine on a man before the crowd can bear to even throw a stone?" the convict continues in his tirade, always staring into the eyes of the priest, each statement with more power than the next.

"It is divine retribution, O Kingdom! Divine retribution that such a fate befall the King by the hands of mere men like me. For the Gods themselves have invoked in me the divine wrath I needed to serve sacred justice against the Royalty that desecrate the hallowed name of our Holyland! Is this act, called upon by the very gods themselves, then considered a sin?" the crowd cannot accept the convict's speech. Stones fly from every direction of the colosseum towards the centre - the hanging ground. Everyone inside scrambles to the walls to avoid being stoned, save two - the priest, protected by the guards and their shields, and the convict, on the stands with rope bound around his neck.

"Convict! Know your place!" the priest shouts. "You stand here, a convict of the court, subject to the law of the Kingdom and held accountable to the masses. Of what right do you dare declare yourself a messenger of the wrath of the very gods that allowed our late King to assume his position as King Himself?"

"If I stand here as a convict," the convict declares, "then it is by my own conviction that I do so!" Amidst the hurling of stones and the roaring of voices, the convict's one statement rings throughout the entire colosseum.

"Madman! Sinner! I hereby declare this convict as a sinner of the gravest sins and sentence him to death!" the priest yells. He turns to the executioner immediately. "Executioner! Put this man to death immediately!" the crowd roars. The time has finally come. The executioner fumbles and quickly runs over to the lever. The convict continues to stare the priest in the eyes, seeing into his self, seeing the priest for what he really was. The priest immediately turns his head away.

"Why judge, O priest?! Why sentence?! Why curse and foul my name?! We are all going to die at some time, O Kingdom!" the convict shouts at the top of his lungs. His single voice overpowers the audience for an instant, but is immediately drowned out. The priest sees his lips move again. He cannot hear his words, only decipher its meaning by reading it. The crowd will not stop for silence this time.

"Just that I intend to deserve it." the executioner pulls the lever. The convict falls, hung on the noose of the rope, silent and motionless.

---------------------------------

Addendum: Man, I just realized this is so much like a carbon copy of another story I wrote last time.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

SYF

Bittersweet. So bloody bitter and so little sweet.

I wonder why I felt so depressed over it.

Because I didn't do my best? I personally felt I did. I won't be able to find out any unbiased opinion about how we did for each song, so I can't tell if I actually did my best (as a section).

Because the choir could have practised more? Perhaps. We could have. I heard other JCs sang every day in the morning. Certainly they wouldn't have any problems with feeling tired or the like.

But I think one important thing was spirit. Anyone who saw how the schools were like after announcing results would agree with me. Our choir doesn't have that, and it never will.

And the other? 一雄芝崎's words suffice

一雄芝崎:
of all my friends that sang with me for syf leaving after syf
including you
it is just dam sad to part ways
especially after singing together for a period of time
TT
that's why the syf results are so important to me
becuase we worked together towards that goal
it is something that we have put in so much time together
nvm
haiz

I sincerely want to drink some alcohol, but I'll refrain.

Sunday, May 03, 2009

AWARE

9.15pm Josie Lau: “The exco has graciously decided to step down and we wish Aware all the best in its future endeavors."

Pretty fascinating considering that the vote went at a 2-1 majority for the stepping down of the exco even after they allegedly sent busloads of people to vote for them (redshirt/whiteshirt dichotomies there help differentiate apparently. Postpone this meeting until August and you wouldn't have seen the difference between this and the NDP, save perhaps what the people shouting and screaming about.

Another interesting part about this is that unlike Repeal 377A, the AWARE AGM doesn't have the government intervening and debating in parliament over it. Perhaps the people are more capable of change than the group that represents said people, huh.

But let's take a step back, shall we? What went wrong? Personally I felt it was an issue of attitude - When you tell your community to "shut up and sit down", it drives the message across that you're not there to serve - you're there to be served. I recall the motto of a particular NGO I worked with last year - if it's not from the heart, it's not worth doing. As appropriately asked during the EGM: "how many of the new exco have passion?"

When you need to claim a right to respect by virtue of your age, you tend to lose the battle of credibility and moral high ground.

Barring opinions of the 'new exco' (given how they got voted off and were replaced with an even newer (yet older) exco during the AGM. Gosh the complications), it's interesting to look at this event from a more generalized view.

Why did so many Singaporeans stand up for this?

Is it because of disagreements with the way the new exco had taken over the old guard?
Is it because of disagreements with the causes of the new exco?
Is it because of disagreements with the actions of the new exco upon taking over?
Is it because someone had broken an unspoken contract of human rights and they felt the need to speak up?

In any case, a good Saturday.

Saturday, May 02, 2009

L-O-V-E-L-O-V-E

陪你熬夜 聊天到爆肝也没关系
陪你逛街 逛成扁平足也没关系
超感谢你 让我重生 整个o-r-z
让我重新认识love

[l-o-v-e!l-o-v-e!]

恋爱ing happy ing
心情就像是 坐上一台喷射机
恋爱ing 改变ing
改变了黄昏 黎明 有你 到心跳到不行

你是空气 但是好闻胜过了空气
你是阳光 但是却能照近半夜里
水能载舟 也能煮粥 为饱了生命
你就是维他命love

[l-o-v-e!l-o-v-e!]

恋爱ing happy ing
心情就像是 坐上一台喷射机
恋爱ing 改变ing
改变了黄昏 黎明 有你 到心跳到不行

黄昏 黎明 整个都恋爱ing

-----------------------------------

I feel 16 again hahaha

I swear the world needs to compile some gigantic list of songs that will immediately get you out of a bad mood

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Fragmentations

Sometimes I feel like a little baba in the world trying to accomplish great things, with nothing but the thought that "wouldn't it be awesome if we pulled this off". It's kinda different from all the people going about thinking "I need this to get into Harvard" or "This had better look good on my CV" - there's a lack of pragmatic drive in it, if you will.

At times it makes me feel like there's a certain lack of purpose in my life. While I justify it at times with the idea that a person who's capable of many different things should just try many different things rather than specializing, really it reeks of lack of direction from certain perspectives.

---------------

Someone asked me why it was good for him to try to be serious when he was generally a joker. When I said that since he was already good at being a joker he should try learning to be serious so he could do both nicely - he considered it schizophrenic.

Hmm. Wonder what that says about me.

Speaking about that, I really wonder whether strangers and acquaintances see me as scary or weird or both.

---------------

The love I see around me feels so insanely bittersweet tragedy-ish. Two I'd have written a tragedy of, one I'd have written a tragicomedy of (pray ask not what the comedy is) and one I'd write a sheer comedy out of (and perhaps stuff it in some heartbroken box under the table)

Of the many things I'm thankful for, one of them stays that I shan't be finding myself in their shoes for very long.