Saturday, July 12, 2008

Exam results

And so it would appear that I get a rather high score compared to the rest of my class. Which is rather annoying - I've been called a bastard by random classmates here and there. My score isn't that high in the first place when compared to whom I should be comparing to, but apparently I shouldn't be complaining in my class since there's no one to compare to in the first place.

It was the song that I heard around me that I realized was true - That we who conquered the small hills around us have yet to reach the summits of the mountains. And though we seemed to have conquered something, the insignificance of it all just showed to us that we were nothing. Those few points shows the difference between the sky and the ground.

From the songs I heard that it was us who had to keep our silence - except in the realm of the like. It is too much to admit to the rest that you saw yourself above them. But it has to be that way - the silence and the viewpoint. Without the viewpoint you would never have to prove yourself right, and without the silence you would never prove the necessity of the viewpoint - you would either be proven wrong and mocked at the burning stakes, or you would just be seen as the arrogant rant who was smart enough to mean what he said. The importance of the viewpoint is one to be kept in silence.

"You think you're stupid because you keep comparing yourself to him" and so it is that I will eternally be stupid until I best him. That is merely the facts speaking, unadulterated by the deliberately tinted glasses. How can it possibly be a sin to compare yourself to those above you? Your sin is that there are people above you in the first place; and it is merely responsibility that you at least try - in fact, I'd call it basic courtesy.

It isn't pride, if I have to put it this way. It's dissatisfaction. That I fail to be better. That I fail to triumph. That I fail to be amongst the headfirst in leading the crowds. That I have as much a right to my annoyance as everyone else to theirs.

I look at my results and wonder at times. From a practical viewpoint, I always stood by the idea that whatever a man has done in something, he has forsaken in another thing. It's the simple idea of an opportunity cost in an action. An alternative forgone.

How many things have I tossed aside in order to aim for the view at the top of the uphill climb?
Just to aim, in fact! Not even to gain! Who knows what else I'll toss aside by the time I gain it. Who knows if I'll even gain it! Who knows what I'll have tossed aside just to learn yet another time that conviction is no replacement for talent?

This blog is but one of the many things strewn in the wake of my vain ascent. My time, my thought, the person I sought, all for the heights that they come to naught.

Ok, that was actually more for deliberate nice-soundingness than actuality, but ah well.
But seriously, who knows? Can I truly call myself "me" the way I am? Have I finally put on a mask that fitted me too well? Might I soon forget what it has felt like to have a maskless face? The feelings of the past? Will I soon create a new identity to forge across the original?

Why even bother? What shall I say when I finally reach it? A one-liner? A long speech? Shall I thank my parents and friends and teachers for bringing me up to the place I longed for? Shall I warn my juniors to the perils and sacrifices to be made on the path? Or shall I just keep my silence against the crowds I may very well step on just to get there?

Who knows. But time is of the essence.

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