Monday, August 11, 2008


I know some friends who suffer at this very point from certain bouts of insecurity and lack of trust. I know a friend who asks "Why so serious" (Thankfully it seems that he might stop doing that).

I know myself, while I'm at it.

I've seen people who fail to believe. People who fail to strive. People who take a suicidal attitude to life that eventually throws them out of the rat race even before the cheese has been set down. And I know that sure as hell I'm on that brink of landing right smack amongst the people there as well.

I thought that I was dying near the endstages of CSSP. I think at this current point that I'm quite wrong. It's always a wonder how much further down the stairway down to the River Styx can go, really.

But I can't. I have to keep going. Because the first fall indicates the last victory for me. I know the first true fall might be the end of me. And for my own sake I sure as hell need to believe that I haven't fallen yet. Not yet. Not until the point where I can fall and it won't matter in the least bit.

People go around thinking I'm smart. And I've never gotten first in anything. What part of what I do actually comes under talent? Nothing.

People go around thinking I can get away with whatever I want (Person actually, but nvm). Yet I don't actually do whatever I want since I know truth is I won't actually get away with it. And who cares about school? There're so many other places where getting away with whatever you want is infinitely superior. >_>

Person asks me what kind of stuff I've forgotten if I can remember so many stuff. Irony in that, huh.

But I'll tell you what I've forgotten. I've forgotten what it's like to fail. To truly hate yourself. Yes, there're times where I've done badly in recent times, times where I've screwed up quite a bit and times where I've hated myself a tad - but that's as far as it goes. I do badly as a sign that I will improve, I screw up as a sign that I will get better, and I hate myself the same way everyone does and get over it and improve myself. But that's not hate. That's love. A kind of love you have for yourself that you would want to make yourself better in the long run.

I've forgotten what it's like to truly hate yourself. To be in a state where you know that you can't go up from here, only downwards - never knowing how much further you have to drop before you turn around and head for the better at long last. To never have a simple sign that says "You've dropped a bit, now get up and continue climbing your way up".

In exchange, I've remembered what it was like to aim up. To work up. To feel that whatever you do has a meaning later on. The power of belief and the power of thought. Self-empowerment. A wonderful deal, some would conclude. I'm inclined to agree. But the price of this comes at such a great cost. The amount of time people spend. The kind of feelings that I generated for myself. The kind of identity forced upon you by your peers. Do you think you've done enough?

I'm sure a good number haven't.

Skeptics cry out "It's merely belief! How hard can it be?" and they're right. How hard can it be? Yet when you truly fall for the first time how hard is it to get up? How hard is it to get up the second time? Can you keep it up? Not everyone has such life experiences.

I'm scared at times. I'm doing all this, and I know that I can do all this. But I know that all of this can be completely undone, broken beyond repair, wrecked and untouchable. All by the smallest of things.

Please, not just yet.

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