More thoughts

More thoughts lately. Bear with me if you don't understand. >_>

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Is it a sin to cry? Is it a sin NOT to cry? In this society, where men are stereotyped into being people who don't cry, I've always questioned this one thing.

Why I have this question now? IYE.

As all people know parting from friends after 4 days together is always a very sad thing. At the end of it, I shook hands with people like Red-san, Waka-san, Pico-san, Minton, Dabo, and more. As we got up, I saw Wei Ming crying. Well, I suppose that's normal, given she's a girl, and there's nothing wrong with a girl crying. It's normal. Then I sit down, and Zhang comes up, and sits next to me. He's crying as well.

Me: ...be glad you can cry, Zhang.

I don't know if Zhang remembers, but he asked me why I wasn't crying.

Zhang: Aren't you crying? It's so sad!
Me: I don't cry, Zhang, whether I'm sad or not.

Jodie *Turns around*: Are any of you crying?
Me: Only Zhang. Is Jie Ying or Wei Ming crying?
Jodie: Only Wei Ming. Why aren't you crying, isn't it sad at all?
Me: I don't cry whether I'm sad or not. *She didn't hear this I think*

Dane *I overheard him speak*: Y'know, you just have to take in your sadness and move on, right?

I was thinking about this. I knew very well I wanted to cry. I knew very well I was just as sad as Zhang. But the tears wouldn't come out. They just wouldn't. I didn't want to bottle it up or anything. But it stayed in. I couldn't let my sadness out. Why couldn't I cry? I was confused. I wondered whether I was able to cry. I ended up being even more sad because I couldn't let out my sadness and have others see it.

This is my dilema. This is my question. Why can't I cry even if I'm so sad?

After the trip, I asked Jodie on MSN. What she said is 'maybe we're restrained.'. By what? I asked. "Dunno.". I can't ask Jie Ying (I'm not sure she'll take me seriously), I can't ask Zhang (He won't understand this, he was crying). And I can't ask Wei Ming either because of the same reason as Zhang. Now, I'm left alone confused with no answer.

Go ahead and try to answer this. I doubt any of you'll be able to tell me why.

Why is it that my emotions won't come out as I please? Is society's stereotypes really that ingrained in our heads that we can't cry no matter what?

If that's so, I hate society. It's turned me into this person incapable of revealing his sadness.

I don't care what anyone says. The ability to cry is a privaledge. The ability to show that you're vulnerable is a strength. Tears are something everyone should have, and whoever says that they should be left to girls alone is mad.

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On the bus back home from the MOELC, I met Samuel Ng on the bus. Well, I saw him, he saw me, but there was 10 people inbetween us. Talk about human barrier. I wanted to say hi and ask him how life was in Chinese High. After all, he was one of my best friends in P3 (The other being Ding Liang. Yu Min wasn't that good a friend yet. It was P4-6 where Gid, Yu Min and I really banded together.). I can't shout, right? So I wait. Slowly, the human barrier decreases from 10 to 8. Then 8 to 6. Then 6 to 4.

But then, it was 4 at Pei Hwa. That was our old school, and one stop from our place. Samuel and I look at each other, sigh, and chuckle a little bit when we realize both of us sighed at the same time.

Then, two people sat down at the seats. Two people. So close, yet so far. Still incapable of speech. Then it was my stop. I looked at him, he was already waving goodbye. I smiled; he still remembers where I live after 4 years. =) I know he lived nearby, but I've never been to his house before.

I got off the bus, then the most ironic thing occured. The human barrier of two came down with me. Like, wth. That was pathetic, stupid, yet immensely ironic.

When I told Gid about this, he called me a dumbass and said I should've waited one more stop and talked to him in that time. I don't think he understands. Both of us, at those 3 points of time, knew what the other person was thinking. It's a conversation of thoughts. I suppose some of you would understand what I'm talking about. Seriously, I doubt he minded one bit that I didn't talk to him. I don't think it would've made a difference either. It's not something that needs to be said in words. Of course, I didn't manage to find out how life was like in Chinese High, but does that really matter? The two of us sure have changed alot, but we're still friends, heh.

I wonder. Is this a high level of friendship, or is this a pure delusion? I really wonder at times, y'know.